Sometimes the name of this blog means more to me than you can know.
Sometimes I need to remember to bless my own heart. Tonight is one of those times. Nothing going on. Nothing bad or weird except for inside this crazy head of mine, this crazy heart of mine and I beat myself up the way I do, chastising myself for making so much out of so much nothing, for being, actually, who I am, and I have to stop and pull back and remember- bless my heart.
Yes. Mine too.
I am having a hard time and it's so strange because I am having to face the fact that after all of my joking about agoraphobia and not wanting to leave Lloyd, I am truly that crazy old batshit woman and if I don't leave town tomorrow, if I don't pack a bag and go up to this wedding of the youngest son of one of my oldest friends, I am truly done for. That is it.
Bless my heart.
I refuse (I think) to become a prisoner of my own insanity. And I know everyone out there is so tired of hearing about my bullshit craziness. Because it is. Bullshit. But it is also real.
So look- if I do get out of this house tomorrow with a bag packed with inappropriate wedding garments and my toothbrush and pillows, it is going to be a major victory and I wish that were not so but fuck it- it is.
Bless my heart. My crazy old heart.
I am doing the best I can and I am trying real hard to not make it all worse than it is and I'm having a very difficult time even writing about it because this is not how a 58-year old woman is supposed to be and not how a 58-year old woman thought she'd be when she turned eighteen in Paris, France, determined to be be back in Europe within a year, a back-pack on her back, a Eurail pass in her pocket.
The sun is setting and the soup is ready and I am wishing that I were not the woman I am and I am realizing that there is no other woman I could be, given the circumstances.
Bless my heart.
Please.
Bless your heart, indeed. Can't we all use a few blessings?? I hope to see a post from that wedding this weekend, and if I do I will raise a glass to your victory.
ReplyDeleteblessing on your soul that it may shine through always, blessings on your heart as it works to recover, blessing on your thoughts that struggle so hard to understand, blessings on your feelings that have to learn new ways , blessings on your self that is a tangle of all those and more, and blessings on you, a woman in transition a mer-mer supreme, a traveler on this path right where you should be, blessings on you, that all will be cleat to you and given to your understanding as you are ready and not sooner! love from vermont where i saw a patch of grass in the middle of my snowy yard.....
ReplyDeleteMetta, karuna, muditta, upekka-
ReplyDeleteLovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity to you, dear dear Mary.
You bloom, a rose in my heart.
~Beth
Bless bless BLESS your heart!
ReplyDeleteMy hope is that you can gather some good information about coping mechanisms (maybe some that have worked for others) that will spur some ideas that will work for you.
Good for you for blessing your own heart. That is a definite step in the right direction. I mean, if you can keep on catching yourself when you are beating yourself up mentally, and bless your heart instead, that is something that will help you change that pattern and give you some ease...
I believe that to be true.
Safe travels,
xo m
Can't wait to see you. We'll need your help with the music and people observations. There's a person or two who are "just dyin' to meet you". Love, L7
ReplyDeleteMama D- I will try. I swear.
ReplyDeletebigmamabird- Honey. Thank you. And may that patch of grass be bigger and greener tomorrow.
Beth Coyote- Will you please stop making me cry? (No. Please. Don't.)
Ms. Fleur- Coping mechanisms? Uh, would that be vodka? Love you, honey.
L7- I'm only doing this cause I miss you.
Mary, it's not crazy and it is real. Anxiety is a thing. I know this because it is also my real beast and yes, when you're on the other side of it, it seems silly and small but it's not. So don't beat yourself up. You are not crazy. We don't say to cancer patients that they are crazy for having cancer. Anxiety is as real as cancer, if not as tangible.
ReplyDeleteHold that man of your's hand hard tomorrow. Lean into him and walk into the world. There's a lot of love in for you, I promise. We're all radiating it your way from the ether and that's real too. Not one of us thinks you're crazy.
Bless your heart, my friend. Bless your heart, as you bless others, every time you write.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're a bit crazy. You should see me struggle to go to the grocery store a mile away. I think you are very brave and, yes, as mer-mer supreme.
ReplyDeleteYou will go and it will be hard the first little while but easier every minute until you are there in the midst of all your fam and friends and love and then you will be too much in the moment to feel afraid. That's my prediction.
Go Mer-Mer!
-invisigal
There is nothing wrong with you. You are a real person. You realize what you wish you could change. Even if you can't overcome these things you are a better person just for having that awareness. Try not to beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteI think what you wrote about not wanting to go is simply speaking your own truth. I have done things all my life that I didn't want to do, and now I minimize those things as much as possible. So Bless Your Heart for being honest!
ReplyDeleteLove you.
ReplyDeleteI hope your trip is enjoyable and memorable. Have fun!
ReplyDeleteHave you read "Quiet - the power of introverts" by Susan Cain?
ReplyDeleteI too think I'm crazy but I'm coming to realize that it's more like I'm simply different. Of course the definition of crazy may very well be being different. There are many of us who hate venturing out in all sorts of ways, but it doesn't mean we're crazy. We've been taught that quiet and isolation are unhealthy by all the crazy extroverts because they can't comprehend stillness in its many forms. Susan Cain has a nice website btw.
The odd thing is once you get there you may really enjoy yourself. I know you will get there even if you are at this moment coming up with reasons why you cant go. You will go. For your friend. And then you will be happy to come back home again. I go through this too of course.
ReplyDeleteTell me about turning 18 in Paris? Sounds like a dream.
You will go and be fine with a glass or 4 of vodka. I can't wait to hear all about it. Tale pis of weird ass things to show us. S. Jo
ReplyDeleteYes it's hard but that's because you are so at home when you're at home, but then out there you're so you too. Really, you can't go wrong. Whoever gets you, at home or away, is lucky and they know it.
ReplyDeleteI bet you have a great time. I bet that black embroidered dress will be the perfect thing to wear to a wedding and I bet that you'll look beautiful in it.
ReplyDeleteOmg, I can guide you through this! First, tell yourself you'll regret it forever if you miss this. THEN go. Even if it gives you diarrhea. Take something with you that gives you comfort and give yourself permission to fall apart if you need to. Tell yourself "hey fear! Fuck you! You're not interfering with me and MY self!" And soon you'll feel like that 18 year old, little bits at a time.
ReplyDeleteForce yourself to go but give yourself an out. It's a plan you can accept that is the key to successful outings. Trust me. I know of this crap.
Bad feelings are like orgasms, only in reverse. They don't last forever, honey!
It seems to me you're being awfully hard on yourself. I don't think it necessarily means you're "done for" if you don't go, but I do think you'll probably regret it in the long run. Maybe try to focus on how your friends will feel to have you there, what it will mean for you and them in the long run, how it will reinforce your position in the fabric of your circle of friends. Don't focus on the leaving, in other words -- focus on being there. And then coming home!
ReplyDeleteLove you, Mary Moon. I hope you got that bag packed.
ReplyDeleteI do so hope that you will get there and join in all the fun and festivities.. leaving the house can get harder and harder as we get older, but for C's sake girl, you aren't 60 yet, and you are still young and active in all that you do!!!!!!!... do not give in to the alter of fear... it will take over your living like no other thing can... so kick it to the curb, and feel the fear, but go ahead anyway!!!!... its the easiest option to just stay at home, but from your writings I can see you are not really the easy option type, so roll up your sleeves and pack that bag and let us share that wedding with you when you get back... all the best from me to you..janzi
ReplyDeleteThis must have been in the water yesterday. I've been feeling very ugly about myself - wanting to be something I'm not yet, but know I can be and that's the most frustrating part - when your own mind gets in the way of where you want to be. I hated myself for a day and now we are trying to make up.
ReplyDeletexo