The sun came out today and we did eat noodles and I bought Gibson his first pair of shoes. Brown leather sandals for his fat little feet and he is amused by them.
It was an up-and-down day. First the gray and rain and then Owen's happiness when he saw me and Gibson's kisses and his conversational skills which are growing by leaps and bounds. He does not actually use the words we do but his pitch and his tone and his timing are perfect.
And other things happened which I probably shouldn't even talk about here but they involve things like being Mother's executor and also attorneys and blah, blah, blah. All of it meaning nothing really except that lines of communication have broken down and it breaks my heart.
You always HEAR about shit like this happening and then, when it does...well. It's hard. It strikes the heart with a ringing, hollow thud.
But, we go on. We cook our black-eyed peas and our squash, we cut up tomatoes and tear our lettuces. We water porch plants and clean out the henhouse and sweep the floor and we go on.
My hips ache, my heart aches but what is there for it but to keep on moving, to deliberately walk beside and with the pain, to keep on loving, to deliberately and compassionately be aware of the pain of others and to act as much as is humanly possible from that place?
And having said that, let me remind you that I am no saint nor even close to being and am as vastly imperfect as anyone on this earth.
But still, I can love and I do and there is no doubt in my mind at all about that.
You are so, so wise and better than any saint. You know it's weird how we know that the when someone dies, there's going to be trouble within the family - no matter. And we think that we'll be immune from that. And we aren't. Why does everything have to be so damn hard?
ReplyDeleteAh damn. I hope the communication starts up again and the executor thing can be done with soon.
ReplyDeleteSneaky how you've done it, but you've made us all fall in love with Gibson just like you did with Owen ;)
There is so often trouble around wills and inheritances. It is heartbreaking. I hope your communication lines can be repaired soon. The things we cannot write here are particularly hard.
ReplyDeleteyou know, though there is not going to be that much I have already decided I am walking away from any troubles or differences when my mother passes. Hopefully, not for a few more years but when it happens I am done...everyone can have whatever is left...I don't want any of it. I hope my mom sells everything and spends it all!!..
ReplyDeleteHoney, you're MY saint, of chickens and good southern cooking and a decent man you're married to and the best grandma to delicious babies, you're a saint of your wee acre, tilling the soil and breathing life into these pages of yours. St Mary of the wisteria and black eyed peas.
ReplyDeleteXXXX Beth
My family did a 180 after my mom died. None of us have really even seen each other since. She was our glue. It breaks my heart but it hurts mostly because I know how much it would hurt her. But as you say, we go on. I am learning a new life without her.
ReplyDeleteSending love from across the land.
ReplyDeletexo
It is nice to have you home. I've commented on your other entries but my comments seem to have disappeared. In your last post I love how you compared the flowers to tissue in a pocket. Beautiful words. I am glad you reunited with your babies after being away from them for 6 million days or so. And I too have experienced the death aftermath and it tore what was left of us apart. It's a damn shame. But you will work it out. I know this. To a brighter tomorrow. S Jo
ReplyDeleteI got nothing. I'm here, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the executor drama is continuing. :(
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad you're back home and spending valuable time with the boys.
I'm sorry you have to go through this thing, whatever it is, with your family. It's happened to both my husband and I, but you just figure out how to navigate again and it's okay. Change is uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you.
I see your executor troubles in my future too, and I want to stick my head in the sand.
ReplyDeleteYou may see yourself as vastly imperfect, but I disagree. You are a harsh critic of yourself, and I see in your inner struggles so much strength and honesty and integrity - so much to admire and look up to - you look perfect from my vantage point. Like it or not, you're a touchstone for so many of us struggling to make sense of this life, and I love how you show me time and again when things are tough or gray or frustrating, to just keep walking, keep writing, keep baking bread and loving my family as best I can, even though it is so nearly impossible to love myself. We could probably spend the rest of our days just trying to figure out that little detail.
I'm glad your back in your happy home, and so sorry the death of your mother leaves a lingering rift. There is a quote, from Yeat's the Second Coming - Things fall apart, the center cannot hold, that I default to often, not as an explanation but as commentary on life. I never felt it so deeply until my father's death taught me that he held the center and without him, our family was diminished, broken even. I think you are doing the best job humanly possible of holding the center, with love and grace. Looks saintly to me.
xo
Elizabeth- I don't feel very wise. I feel completely ineffectual and confused. And I don't know why we all feel we'll be immune to things but probably because humans are idiots. I offer myself as a prime example.
ReplyDeleteJill- Gibson is eminently worth loving.
Angella- The problem with communication, of course, is that there has to be more than one side willing to try. But I just keep reminding myself of the pain that causes such breakdowns.
aint for city gals- An attorney friend of mine says that the way to live is so that the check written to the undertaker bounces.
Beth Coyote- You made me cry.
Birdie- And I am so glad you are figuring out a new way to live. So glad.
Ms. Fleur- Thank you.
S. Jo- Things do work out eventually, I know. But it's hard when you're in the midst of the troubles.
Maggie May- Thank you, girl.
Steve Reed- I am so lucky to have those grandsons.
heartinhand- It's hard. We all know it. Or we will.
Mel- I am so far from perfect. You have no idea. But. Thank you. If I can leave one thing of value to my own children, it will be a sense of family which does not break when a parent dies. Maybe that's dreaming the impossible dream but oh, I want it to be so.
ReplyDeleteThat wish for the family to stay connected can happen and become true you know... and because you have brought up your children to be open ,honest, and loving with each other I am sure they will react in exactly the way you would wish for them..Its hard when parents die and sometimes the siblings realise they don't really care too much for each other, but that was established a long time ago, just that without their parents as glue, they drift apart..
ReplyDeleteHowever, You have such a smashing family that love deep as you do, so I can promise you that they will never drift apart after you are gone!!It happens to so many, but I told my parents that nothing would divide my brother and I , and it hasn't and self though, so don't beat yourself up any more..
, those kids of yours are deep in love and happiness from knowing you... so it will all turn out fine in the end.. Take care of your heart, as grief takes a while to get a bit deadened, and don't be so hard on yourself, you are a wonderful being, I am sure.. otherwise people would not love you so** Hugs from across the pond, Janzi
thinking of you- my grandma's siblings' children were the ones who seemed to squawk the loudest about the pre-arrangements my dad and i made (with his sister's approval may i add) and then once the dirt hit the casket, were never to be heard from again (except the one religious one, she sends me some jebus-sy shit once in a while). funny how things work out like that.
ReplyDeletexxalainaxx
Sending love. If I knew a spell that would entice all hatchets to bury themselves, I would weave it right now.
ReplyDeleteJanzi- Death is sort of like a stone thrown into a body of water, isn't it? The ripples just sort of go on for a long, long time. Thank you for all of those sweet words.
ReplyDeleteMrs. A- It's a funny human thing, isn't it, how we do act after a death? (I loved the Jebus-sy thing. Haha!)
Denise- Lord, but I wish you could.
I amveateful to not have the executor stuff as my wife is the sole heir. She could not take more.
ReplyDelete