Fucking no-Seeums. I'm sure that's not how you spell it but it's what spell check wants and I do not have the energy to do battle with spell check.
I am feeling fairly enervated and at loose ends.
I know. You want to kill me. I am on an almost deserted island with my beloved with nothing to do but enjoy myself and rest and read and here I sit counting my aches and pains and mysterious uncomfortable sensations and sort of missing my grandchildren and complaining about insects and wondering where all the birds are.
I don't deserve to go on vacation. Really. I don't.
No, no. That's not true. Of course I deserve a vacation. I'm just crazy.
And if not crazy then maybe just feeling old. Or something.
We did go for a little walk today. We crossed the island where we saw the osprey nest I have a picture of here and also one of the pines which must be a hundred years old and I judge that by the scarring it bears from the turpentine harvesting days which were over and done with long, long ago.
We walked on the beach and there were hardly any birds but it was pretty, the water flat and rolling tiny wavelets, so unruffled that they wore no fringe of foam. We came home and napped and read and ate some leftovers and played cards and now Mr. Moon is starting the charcoal to cook chicken and I guess I'll make a salad.
And since I started writing this the wind has picked up again and chased me back inside and I sit here writing this with my tiny Barbie fingers and I am thinking about all the choices I have made in my life and how I used to be so much more of an interesting person than I am now. Thinking of how I wish I'd brought some rhubarb to make a pie with the strawberries I did bring and wondering where the birds are and the dolphin and mullet and realizing that technically it is still winter and there you go.
I'll report in tomorrow. You can count on that. And just as the tides and wind change, you can be sure that my attitude probably will as well.
I so admire how unflinchingly you tell the truth about what you are feeling. You help the rest of us be okay with the truth of what we are feeling, too, because really, nothing is ever perfect, and even when it looks charmed from the outside, it can really truly fuck with you anyway, and it does no good to say, well, this is not the way it *should* be. Far better to embrace the way it is in the moment, the way things ebb and flow in the moment, and let it pass right on through. i love you.
ReplyDeleteps. i'm in nyc overnight and then flying to your state tomorrow. i'll wave at you from orlando.
Yes, it will change. I 'heard' the no-seeums in your writing this morning. They'll be gone tomorrow. I have a feeling.
ReplyDeleteAngela- I needed to hear what you said so much. Thank you for understanding. Always.
ReplyDeleteSJ- I am trusting you, girl. You know me so, so well.
ReplyDeleteNo see ums are brutal. Worst thing about salt water.
ReplyDeleteAre your hands really tiny? They seem normal in the photos...
I think you're very interesting, but ironically, I was thinking something similar about myself this week. I think my interests are interesting to me, but probably not many other people. I also thought I'd be funnier and more fun. Sigh.
Thanks for the pictures and the honesty. I'm trying to make do with what I'm left with too, no rhubarb in my life :)
Hope your trip is everything you need it to be.
The geographic cure will take hold soon enough. I was just away for 3 days and could have stayed for months without thinking twice. It feels so good to get away from the pressures of sickness and sadness.
ReplyDeleteHoping tomorrow is better in the feeling department. The weather looks perfect for winter time.
ReplyDeleteNice nest.
xo
I admire your honesty, too. And just so you know, tonight I've taken up whiskey.
ReplyDeleteI love Elizabeth's comment about the whiskey. That is sure to cheer you! Thank you for sharing your pictures with us. I find you incredibly interesting and that either makes me really boring or you really interesting. You can't really dispute that can you? Don't even try. Be easy on yourself - there's time enough for the other stuff we all do to ourselves. While you are on vacation, let yourself be. S. Jo
ReplyDeleteAll those little bitey bugs inject a substance into you which prevents blood clotting, activates histamines, and drains the good will from your very soul. It's not your fault.
ReplyDeleteThose fucking little gnats are the worst. As for your feelings, I think you're still "coming down," or whatever, from all the stresses of the past weeks. Just let it all wash through you, as you're doing. Vacation is JUST what you need!
ReplyDelete