Thursday, July 7, 2011
I am so tired of being crazy. I swear I am.
I don't think I'm crazy like I was before, four years ago when I couldn't move for panic, I couldn't stop moving for panic. That was fucking crazy.
This is just crazy like the idea of doing anything outside of my routine makes me shudder, makes me want to weep, makes me want to scream out that no, I can't do that, leave me alone!
You can't believe how stressed out I am about planning a trip to Asheville with Lis at the end of the month. I mean, come on- me and Lis and hopefully Hank and we'll be going to visit my daughter in a beautiful city where I know I can walk around in overalls if I want because no one cares? Days where I can write while Lis is taking classes? Meals with Hank and Jessie and Lis?
This is stressful?
Last night my husband spoke to his sister on the phone. His sister whom I love. She has joined a trip club, whatever that is, and she wants us to travel with her some and the idea makes me crazy. I want to want to so badly. One of my very best memories of anything at all is the one I have of the trip we took to New Mexico to meet this sister and another sister who is no longer with us (God, I miss her) and I sat in the back seat and watched these siblings interact and it was so much fun. There was so much love. I sort of felt like a bump on a log but in a good way and every now and then they'd let me have my way with where to eat lunch or something but mostly I didn't have to decide anything, which is what I love.
So why does the idea of going off with my husband and his sister make me crazy?
Because I'm crazy, I guess. I don't want to be this way. I want to be a "normal" person, at least in the sense of being able to leave my property. I am fine, okay, good, with traveling with just Mr. Moon. He knows me, he knows my oddities. He is my lover/traveling buddy/friend/boyfriend/hero/husband. But mostly I always want to go to Cozumel, where I feel almost as at home as I do here at home. Okay, in some ways, more at home than even here at my own, real home. And my poor husband- he's like, Can't we go somewhere else?
But why would I want to? Click here and just look at the first two photos. Makes me weep with wanting.
I went to visit Ms. Radish King this morning and in a comment, someone had posted a link for a video of Frida Kahlo. Here. I shall embed it for you.
Mexico. Mexico. Frida. La Reina de Mexico.
Just watching that, listening to the music with it, it takes me from here and sends me far away.
Frida was certainly not normal, not that I am comparing my sort of crazy with hers. She was genius-crazy, I am your regular garter-snake crazy. Slipping-through-the-grass-of-the-yard-crazy.
I'm sorry. I can't seem to write today. But if you look at those pictures, if you watch that video, you will be getting more than your money's worth from blessourhearts this morning.
Ignore the rest.
Por favor y lo siento.
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I watched this last night, too -- took my breath away. Her arms, the tilt of her head -- amazing.ReplyDelete
i love you mary moon.ReplyDelete
sit, breathe, believe.
I don't think you're crazy... You just know where your heart is and your heart is where is belongs...ReplyDelete
Do only what you feel like. The people who love you will understand.ReplyDelete
I would like to see the movie but sadly enough I don't see the link and I can't get onto Ms King her blog because it is invite only... pout. Can someone give me another link? Pllleeeeese... ThanksReplyDelete
It worked Ms Moon. Thanks for posting that. Very moving indeed. Such a tormented soul.ReplyDelete
Ah, hell. Let's all go to Mexico.ReplyDelete
Your anxiety is really severe. Seeking real treatment for it would likely be helpful. This is so not a character flaw, it's a real thing and you are trying to fight it with limited resources.ReplyDelete
I love you and hope that you look into it. There are free services at the Anxiety Research Center (I think that's the name) at FSU. I didn't qualify... I guess my anxiety was not debilitating enough or something, even though it feels that way to me. Yours, however, is. At least I believe it is causing enough distress for you to qualify. May be worth a phone call.
You deserve to enjoy your life, not just live from one anxiety attack to the next.
I have to agree with PF on this one -- it may be time to upgrade on your care for yourself.ReplyDelete
I think there's a lot to be said for the breathing.ReplyDelete
Also, I think sitting home berating yourself for being crazy won't have any productive outcome.
I think hypnotherapy would be really good for undoing and rewriting the fear. I also know someone who doesn't believe in homeopathy, but said it helped her agorophobia significantly.
There must be some way to approach it and free yourself up a bit. That Asheville trip sounds so great.
Loved the video! Such mystery in her eyes...such beauty..and expression.ReplyDelete
I hope you find a way to give you the comfort and pleasure of traveling Mary. To travel and feel the place you are...there is nothing like it!
oh lord, i went to that website and i am just about weeping with you. with want. cozumel. yes.ReplyDelete
Oh Ms Moon. I know. Believe me, I know exactly. I hope you realise you are loved buy your many friends, virtual and real and your family, of course... that goes without saying. And you have your dear Mr Moon who understands and loves you. But please believe me when I say... I know xReplyDelete
My wife began taking a small dose of Clonopin and it helped her a lot. She was anxious and had diffilculty sleeping through the night. Getting evaluated for anxiety would be a good idea.ReplyDelete
Oh, Ms. Moon. I can certainly relate, though it seems your anxiety might be more challenging than mine. I have those days where anything out of my routine stresses me out. But I do love to travel once I get past the "ahhh! I have to leave home!" part. Have you ever tried acupuncture? I really feel like it helps me with stress, among so many other things. Sending you lots of love!ReplyDelete
You're not crazy, your chemistry occasionally goes awry--that's different. And anyway, we're all crazy one way or another.ReplyDelete
Asheville with Lis will be an amazing experience. You'll make yourself go, you'll love it.
PS You can get an extra day at the Biltmore for $10 if you go back to the office late in the day. The grounds are worth wandering...
Elizabeth- The way she kissed Diego's hand. I could feel it.ReplyDelete
rebecca- I do, I do.
Dianne- Do you think that's true? I hope so.
Angie M- I know they try. And mostly, they do.
Photocat- And yet, she was so FOCUSED!
Ms. Fleur- I had no idea such a place existed. Wow. Maybe I will call them.
Jo- And I will take the Asheville trip and it will be grand. You know that.
Ellen- I am going to remember that.
A- No. Thank you.
Angella- It is magic and enchanted there. I promise you.
Sandy- Really? Thank you.
Syd-Clonopin? That sounds so...serious.
Ashtree- Yes, when I get past the fear, it is good. And I know that. I have not tried acupuncture for stress.
Kathleen Scott- I plan on going there this trip. I promise.
And con amor to you, lovely. xReplyDelete
Crazy is the NEW normal. Remember that. It still cracks me up.ReplyDelete
We're in the same boat, babe. Poor you.
Dearest Mary, I have finally opened your blog. I shall leave it open on my screen and dip into it like a good book. It's no chore catching up with you.ReplyDelete
I adore Frida, what a beautiful piece of film and how graceful she was.
Please tell me you've seen the film with Salma Hayek? A great performance and wonderfully directed.
I did a post about her you'll like here
I'm off to bed as it's 2.20am. I'll be back tomorrow.
I love you my friend xxx