Thursday, June 23, 2011

We Are Chemicals

Am I just a bag of neurons, tossed this way and that, positive and negative charges becoming mixed according to the air around me, the temperature, the drag of the earth as it turns, the wind as it blows salt water from there to here, fresh water from here to there?

I think I must be.

This morning was a moment of blissful sweetness. Not bliss, really, just contentment and peace which, in my world, really is bliss.

And there was Owen and there was playing and hiding and seeking and giggling and laughing and reading books and then the nap story and he fell asleep in my arms, quite literally and when we got up the air was charged with nearby storms and the sky grew dark and thunder rolled to the north and I had a feeling we would be passed up again. And mostly, we were. Rain fell but not enough for any good thing. Well, perhaps the lizards, the birds, can sip drops of water caught on leaves.

That's something.

But as the air changed, so did I. I got anxious but with no focus for it. None at all. I wanted Mr. Moon to come home and then suddenly, he did, and we played with the boy and I made the supper and we ate and then I bathed him and there were the crazy shampoo hairdos and giggling and the washcloth ate all the dirt from his toes and fingers and face with his washcloth mouth and still, the feeling persisted as the rain grew to be a farther-and-farther-away dream.
I feel cheated. I feel as if I have personally sinned some horrible thing which is keeping the rain away, superstitious as if I would just say this, do this, not do this, the rain would come. It is there, it is almost here. Why won't it fall on us?

Of course my actions have nothing to do with the falling of rain and I know that but that lizard brain in my brain fights fiercely, trying to prove me wrong and sometimes I just give up and say, "What the hell? Who knows? Not me."

My old anatomy teacher used to say that we are basically bags of saltwater as she taught us about the chemistry labs which each and everyone of our cells is.
I believed her then, I believe her now, although she is dead. She had one eye and before she became a PhD in nursing, she was a PhD in music. That's why I always paid attention to whatever she said. I sort of loved her in her shapeless dresses, her long white hair pinned up in a bun on her head, her fine mind a prime example of how well bags of salt water can think and reason.

But probably mostly for the way she would hold her fist up in the air and tell us, "If you're going to sin, sin BOLDLY!" She stared at us with that one fierce eye and she meant it and she stabbed the room with that fist as if to beat the wisdom into us with it.

I have forgotten most of what she taught me about sodium and calcium and electrolytes but I remember that. And the part about being bags of saltwater.

That's why I am thinking of her tonight, my own personal bag of saltwater a confused mess of positive and negative energy on the cellular, the existential, and every other type of profound levels.


  1. Reading your words helps me to still the words in my own troubled brain tonight. I have felt much the same way although the possible reasons why are very different. There's something to be said for dismissing all of it as chemical shit in the brain --

  2. Ooo, I like that very much: If you are going to sin, SIN BOLDLY.

    I think I will write that on my bathroom mirror.

  3. Love this.

    Yes, I was hoping for more myself, but it's a start. Maybe we'll begin the afternoon showers ritual soon and all this will seem like a hot dry dream.


  4. Oh, I continue to live her advice!

  5. Glad I'm not the only confused bag of salt water around.

    How did an anatomy teacher get on the subject of SIN?
    She sounds fascinating.


  6. There is definitely something in the air, churning up the salty waves. Thanks for giving it a name. Hugs, dear one.

  7. We did get rain last night. It was much welcomed. I like what your professor said about our cells. Perhaps that is why we are so affected by the spring and neap tides. The pull of the moon is strong.

  8. how is it that the brilliant and beloved michelle can't follow the logic that anatomy leads to sin??? sheesh.

  9. is that a goldfish in your bag of saltwater, or are you just happy to see me?

  10. Elizabeth- I think we are wrong not to at least consider that chemical affect how we feel about every damn thing.

    See Kate Run- Good idea!

    Ms. Fleur- You and me both.

    NOLA- I know you do!

    Michelle- I don't remember but I do know that she was one of "those" really good teachers.

    Angella- Too much ill wind, perhaps.

    Syd- It surely could be.

    Adrienne- Whoa! I'm staying out of this one!

    Mr. Mungam- I'm always happy to see you.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- And her name was Dr. Sparkman!

  11. I'm sure it's all chemical. Which is why I'm considering stopping my diet because I'm obviously doing something wrong. Or maybe I just need some better advice. Either way, I need to do something. Maybe cocaine. Ha! I bet that would make me thinner as well.

    (WV just gave me the solution: exerserl.)


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