Thursday, August 4, 2016

So What?

They're working on the railroad again, cutting and crushing vegetation, it sounds like and every time the vehicle they're using backs up it beep-beep-beeps and there are the sounds of wheels screeching and branches falling and I don't know what and Mick the Rooster is crowing about it all.

We watched a short PBS production about Koko the gorilla last night and it just made me sad as fuck. This gorgeous animal whose life has been about making her as human as possible although that wasn't the original idea, I'm sure, and her keeper, her friend, her companion, has spent her entire life with this magnificent animal and the one thing Koko wanted and wants is a baby of her own and that's never happened and now instead of lounging about in trees and great savannas, happily surveying her dynasty, her family, she sits around in a cluttered room where piles of notes and plastic dishes for her food are kept, Penny, the keeper, her only real company. The fact that she gets a birthday cake (and hey! she can blow the candles out! make a wish, Koko!) and a new baby doll for her birthday doesn't seem to be enough to make up for the other stuff.
Fuck. Shit.

I'm in a terrible mood.

My hips hurt and kept me awake last night along with the restless legs and I got up and ate Special K cereal and read a magazine, so tired I could barely keep my eyes open but knowing that as soon as I laid myself down and closed them, my legs would jerk and I would be awake again. Finally, finally, I did sleep and now I'm up and in this bad mood and I took a short walk and saw a dead blacksnake, no apparent sign of injury, just dead, ants already exploring the face, the head.


It is deep summer and the swamp mallow is beginning to bloom and the wild lilies that come out of nowhere are showing deep throats. 


I saw Miss Shelley at the Post Office and she told me that on her early morning walk, she'd seen a coyote, as big as a German Shepherd. I've often seen the prints of something large and doglike. I guess now I know what made them. 

Back to the house and the work on the railroad continues but a train just rumbled past so I guess they're working beside the track, not on it, and I don't have the interest to go and see. So what? So what? So what?
And that feels like my mantra today. 
So what?
Even my house gives me no pleasure or my yard, either. Everything looks shabby to me and half-assed and dirty. Sitting in the office of the designer yesterday looking at plans, a horrible anger just rose in me and nothing made me happy about any of it until I asked if there could be a sink in the laundry room and somehow that pleased me and just thinking about that makes me sad. 

I don't know why. 

I don't know why I can't allow myself the joy of anticipation or the satisfaction of that which is. Instead of thinking of the happy hours and days and nights we might spend in a new house on the bay in Apalachicola, all I can think of is how far it is from my grandchildren, a decent hospital, how the very idea of picking out sinks and flooring and beds and sheets and rugs and pots and pans and plates seems such a waste of time which would be better spend doing...what? 
What? 
So what? 
The designer and my husband talk about the vegetable boxes we can have on the porches and instead of thinking about how lovely that will be I wonder just how the hell they're going to get there, these boxes, and who's going to haul the dirt up the stairs or the elevator (an elevator! in a house!) and put it in those boxes and if all of this stuff could just happen by magic how lovely that would be but no, there is no magic. 

And maybe that's it. I don't feel any magic at all right now. As if all, every drop of my magic has been depleted, used up, passed on and isn't that the way it's supposed to be? 

So what? Who cares? 

Sometimes I feel as if I shouldn't write about these things, these sorts of feelings. Sometimes I feel as if I've written every fucking word I need to write. 

I wonder what Koko would write, if she had become human enough to do that. 

I think it would break the heart of the world if she could. I don't believe that some of us could bear that sorrow at all. 

23 comments:

  1. About twenty years ago hubby and I thought about building a house. We found the property and set about making plans. All of a sudden I decided I couldn't be trusted with decisions about wainscoting, crown molding, hardwood or Pergo, or even which direction the house should face. Luckily, we found a place in the country, on a lake, and have been here 15 years. I just don't know if I have it in me to design a home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes- all of those decisions. It took us about seven years to buy two rocking chairs for the front porch? Why do we think we can do this? I'm not even kidding. It's beyond daunting. It's a nightmare to me.

      Delete
  2. I think that animals live in the moment more than we do. She's probably more concerned with right now than what if.

    I don't know what to think about the house and the move, Mary. It's a big thing to do for someone else, if you don't want it. Hard to get in the mood if that's fundamentally how you're feeling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe you've tapped the truth of the house thing for me.

      Delete
  3. My daughter's friend, a child I've known since junior high, is the gorilla keeper at the zoo here. They live in a 'habitat' in a family group and my grandson and I once went to the roof of their enclosure to feed them mangoes.

    I can't bear zoos. I can't bear the animals, the beautiful cats and bears and monkeys, pacing in their cages, living in foreign climates and being unable to have their true lives, no matter how brutal or short that might have been.

    O we have ruined so much of this garden where we live.

    XX Beth

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know. The whole...everything. Has it always been where everything takes so much effort or is it just me? Like yesterday. I got an e mail because I need to update my license as a Community Health Worker. Last year I sent them my name change. It still hasn't been changed. I go to scan my license and the printer/scanner isn't working. Try at least 5 times. Finally get it scanned. Can't find where it was sent to my computer. Finally find it. Now the site won't let me attach it. Finally get it attached and sent off. 45 minutes later. I mean WTF? I am pretty sure most people just deal with this kind of stuff. I don't. It exhausts me mentally and spiritually. I don't know. I just don't care.
    OK, my whining is over. But not really.
    Fuck, I am negative today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No- it's exactly like that for me too. You should have seen me the day I got my documents all together and sent in to go to Cuba. It was like a major miracle of god and I had to use my neighbor's printer and copier and I still can't believe I did it.
      I'll arm-wrestle you for who the most negative is today.

      Delete
    2. Can't. My shoulder hurts. I have a rotator cuff injury. (Said in my most whiny voice.)

      Delete
    3. So which one of us wins by default? I can't figure it out.

      Delete
  5. My daughter's friend, a child I've known since junior high, is the gorilla keeper at the zoo here. They live in a 'habitat' in a family group and my grandson and I once went to the roof of their enclosure to feed them mangoes.

    I can't bear zoos. I can't bear the animals, the beautiful cats and bears and monkeys, pacing in their cages, living in foreign climates and being unable to have their true lives, no matter how brutal or short that might have been.

    O we have ruined so much of this garden where we live.

    XX Beth

    ReplyDelete
  6. On the other hand, Koko has contributed tremendously to our understanding of animals and communication. But I get that it's just OUR understanding, and doesn't mean anything to her. I wonder if they ever tried to mate her, or even artificially inseminate her? Did they talk about that in the show?

    Negative days just happen. I think writing about them is the only way to cope! Don't you think some of your negativity may come from deeper trepidation about your Apalachicola plans?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They did try to find Koko a mate but it just never worked. I think she's too far away from her natural self to have a clue about mating. I wondered about the artificial insemination but I don't think the discussed that on the show.
      I think you're right about the Apalachicola plans.

      Delete
  7. I hate zoos and circuses tremendously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too. So much. I'd rather go see the "mermaids." And sit on a dock and watch the creatures below and above me.

      Delete
  8. I feel so whiney if I write about my bad days or moments so I art about them instead...It does help though. the magic is bubbling up from below somewhere, somewhere secret and important but somehow unknown...Moving is scary, so much change. Too many choices make me cry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am afraid I do not "art." This is it. Right here. I wish I did.
      And I don't like making choices either.

      Delete
    2. Oh, but your writing IS your art! That's why we love to read it..! (:

      Delete
  9. Thank you for always writing your truth. I'm sorry you're feeling so churned up. I might not be understanding something about the house you're building: is the plan to move there full time? If so. Holy sh*t. I mean people like you and me don't even like packing for a trip. I imagine just imagining being away from your grand kids is an ache. So. Do you really have to move there? Can it be your vacation home? Where you go with the whole fam?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angella, the plan is not to move there full time and I have a feeling that that's mostly because WHAT WOULD MY HUSBAND DO WITH ALL OF THAT STUFF IN HIS GIANT HUGE GARAGEMAHAL?
      And yeah, I don't like packing and I don't like even buying new towels. How in the hell is this even a possibility? I really don't know how it's going to work on any level.

      Delete
  10. I wouldn't worry overmuch about the new house. Perhaps as the building begins you will start to feel a little more excited. I've mentioned before that it took me years to make the transition from the city house to the country house and leaving the grandkids behind. but we didn't actually leave them behind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But worrying overmuch is my life, Ellen! I swear to you, it is.

      Delete
  11. I'm with all of y'all about Koko. Remember my San Diego zoo meltdown where I bawled and bawled at the gorilla enclosure/prison?! Ugh.

    I'm all caught up on your posts now, I think.

    Helping someone fulfill their dreams is hard sometimes, especially when their dreams don't coincide with your own. We could never build a house together. We have opposite tastes. It's a miracle we have this house!

    ReplyDelete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.