Monday, October 19, 2020

I'm Surprised It Took Me This Long To Panic


 Well, there's a lousy picture of three big black cows that I took on my walk. I took the picture through a chain link fence, so there you go. Nothing else of note happened on the walk. I restuck a Biden sign back in the dirt that was laying down. The other day at the same yard I picked up a homemade "Black Lives Matter" sign that had slipped off the chair which it had been propped on and settled it back where it belonged. My goodly deeds for the days. I also took a picture of this amazing bloom today.


I took a picture of this same plant in bloom a few years ago and it was identified on a wildflower page on FB but I can't remember what it was. I do remember that it's horribly invasive. I tried using my PictureThis app to ID it but it gave me two answers, neither of which were correct. This was the first time that app has failed me. The little flowerlets are almost waxy. It's a gorgeous thing but I'm half afraid to pick it and bring it into my house to stick in a vase. Just my luck it would somehow escape and next thing you know I'd be fighting and despairing over it along with all of the other invasive plants growing in my yard that someone thought were a good idea to plant at one time or another. 

I woke up anxious as hell today and the walk didn't help. As the day progressed, so did the anxiety. And then I got a call from my OB/GYN's office informing me that my uterus is "borderline" meaning that anything over a 5 cm lining is a problem (don't ask me why) and my uterine lining is exactly 5 cm. Which they consider something to be wary of. Here are my options:
1. Get a uterine biopsy. 
    I have had one of those before. No thank you.
2. Have a D&C. 
    WTF?
3. Wait four months and get another ultrasound. 

Guess what I chose? 

But because I have that completely illogical and neurotic fear surrounding medical diagnoses, this call kicked my anxiety from level orange to level DING!DING!DING!DING! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! 
Next thing I knew I was weeping silently to myself and decided to take an Ativan, which I did, which helped tremendously but I haven't done a damn thing since I took it. 
Well. That's not true. I did a few things. Someone made banana bread and did the laundry. I suppose it was me. 

One of the things I did for sure was to book a house on St. George Island for next week. I've been wanting to go to the beach for forever. Mr. Moon and I have our 36th anniversary coming up on October 25 and we'll go spend a few days by ourselves and then Jessie and the boys are going to come join us. Vergil has to be out of town for two weeks for work and so that'll be good timing. Whether Mr. Moon can stay for the entire week I do not know. He has a lot of projects going on. But we shall see. I feel so bad that the rest of the kids probably won't be coming to stay due to Covid concerns but who knows? Maybe there can be day visits? I hope so. 
The house is nothing special except for the fact that it is right on the gulf which makes it every thing I want. And not especially cheap, either, although when you think about all the lunches I have not eaten out since last March, I've probably saved more than enough money to pay for the rent. 
Time to get out the old Jimmy Buffet CD's, y'all. 

I think we're going to Monticello to early vote tomorrow. We have mail-in ballots but I want to make sure that every tick is tocked, every signature is witnessed. I want to get it done. 

And that's life today for me. It hasn't been an easy day but I've survived. And I have something very precious to look forward to although even doing something as glorious and fun as going to the beach for a week disturbs my sense of tranquility (or, whatever semblance of tranquility I may have) as I know that my routine will be altered, the carefully crafted and constructed walls of my rut will have to be breached. I absolutely know that there will be at least one moment, and probably far more than one, when I am looking at the sea and listening to the hissing waves and I will think, "I do not want to leave here."
This is a given. 
I hang on to that even as I begin worrying about the most insignificant and unimportant details one could imagine. 

Here are two pictures that I love. 


That was Lily the night she went to homecoming in high school. She asked me to crop out her date because he's sort of well-known in Tallahassee these days. For good things! For really good things! And isn't Lily beautiful? She was so happy to have found a plaid formal dress that she thought was cool. It had originally been longer but it hit her at an odd place and so I shortened it for her. 
All the better to see her ultra-hip fishnet stockings. Am I right? 

And the last picture.



I just can't tell you how much I love this. Magnolia was assigned the task of drawing or painting a tree for school and this is what she painted. Does it not remind you of a Chinese watercolor? I think it is exceptional and lovely and graceful and I think it should be framed. 
I had a friend who played guitar amazingly well and as he said, "It's not the notes you play, it's the notes you don't play." 
I think that most art is like this. And if that is indeed true, Ms. Maggie is well on her way to being an artist. At the age of not-quite five. 

Love...Ms. Moon

40 comments:

  1. Women's works are so utilitarian and so flawed, intelligent design my ass.I LOVE the Lily high school photo and the tree by a not quite five year old Magnolia. You are right, looks Chinese. People study and work for years to achieve that sort of brush stroke.

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    1. My women's works have worked very, very well over the years. I am grateful. But yeah? Intelligent Design? Uh...cancer? Mosquitoes? Nah.

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  2. Maggie's tree is exceptional. You should mat and frame it. As someone who has had uterine cancer let me suggest that you take care of it sooner rather than later.

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    1. I've got a follow-up appointment. I agree about Maggie's picture.

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  3. I had uterine cancer, discovered early. Had laproscopic surgery to remove the whole shebang and it was easy, peasy. No need for radiation or chemo. I am considered cured. I had always had a fear of ovarian cancer and I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to not have those lady parts to worry about any more (although they did a great job during their time).

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    1. Sounds like it was a very good thing for you to have the surgery! I'm so glad you caught it early.

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  4. Magnolia’s painting is absolutely beautiful! I love to see her sweet face in photos....that would be a beautiful painting, too! I know all about the Red Alert. I’ve had terrible fatigue, shortness of breath and swelling legs and feet for a month. I had to see an oncologist/hematologist and she confirmed what I already suspected. My hemoglobin is dangerously low. And when she told me I cried like a baby. Tomorrow I have the first of three iron infusions and the next day a blood transfusion.

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    1. Oh no! Any idea what's causing the low hemoglobin? I know you'll feel better when you've been infused. Keep us posted.

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  5. I have a friend who is a picture framer by profession. Once when I took in a grandchild drawing to be framed, she showed me a stack of children's pictures to be picked up by another customer, and told me this story. The other customer brought many of her children's pictures to be framed and said "My husband cannot tell pot roast from standing rib, so I use the extra grocery money to give us something we all like to look at."
    Can I agree with Susan above. You are way to young to need that worry.

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    1. Oh, that's so sweet! What a lovely story, Joanne. My ex used to be a framer but he's retired and living his rock and roll dream so no help from him anymore. Darnnit!

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  6. Hoping for good medical decisions on your part.

    And yes, that painting shows a very good eye, and a nice ability to stop in time. Good artists are born not made.

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    1. I love that- a nice ability to stop in time! Perfect.

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  7. Hopefully the uterine thing is nothing bad. I had to stop my hormone replacement for the same reason, uterine lining too thick. I had a couple of biopsies but everything came back okay. Fingers crossed.

    A week on an island sounds lovely. It's snowing here, anyplace warm sounds wonderful right now.

    The drawer Maggie made is beautiful and does remind me of a chinese watercolor, simple and evocative.

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    1. Yep. Probably a hormonal imbalance. If I stopped my hormones entirely I think I might die. Ugh.
      The beach here is so beautiful in fall. I think it's going to be wonderful.

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  8. Amazing picture! And a glorious one of Lily, her dress is perfection!

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  9. What a great tree painting..very chinese.

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  10. In the midst of worries, a small girl paints an amazing tree and the heart expands. Definitely frame-worthy.

    Hoping you have a wonderful time at your mini-margaritaville vacay. Now you have me humming the song...which is about as close to beach thoughts as I will get this year. But happy to hear that you will get some much needed time by the water.

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    1. I hope it's just what we all need. I wish I could share it with everyone because all of us need it as much as I do.

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  11. That one time we visited Florida - seventeen years ago now - we visited St George Island. How beautiful the sand is there. It was Eastertime but Ian and I still got sunburnt. We drove back via the Piggly Wiggly in Apalachicola where we bought a big pizza and ate it in our big family room in the Best Western Hotel on the edge of town. Happy days.

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    1. You can get sunburned in Florida any damn day of the year if the sun is out. I love the thought of you having been to the Pig in Apalach. There's a Jr. Pig on the island now. They have everything!

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  12. I do agree that is a very unusual tree for a not-quite-five-year-old to paint. Not the fluffy green blob atop a brown cylinder that most kids draw. Skillz!

    I'm jealous of your opportunity to get away. We need to do something to get out of our house.

    I cannot for the life of me tell you what that bizarre flower is. I swear I have never seen it before.

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    1. That's what I thought about Maggie's painting too, Steve! And I've seen my share of kid paintings!
      The beach will be perfect because we won't have to go anywhere but the store which we'd do here anyway.
      I don't know what that flower is either. I'm too embarrassed to post it on that same wildflower page.

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  13. Maggie definitely got the essence of a tree.

    I know nothing about the uterine lining or hormones for that matter. I opted to not take any because of the dangers involved plus I figured my body knew what it was doing when it stopped producing so much estrogen.

    that is a very cool flower. never seen one before.

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    1. Well, I had thought I wouldn't be taking hormones either. Then I had hotflashes that were debilitating for years and THEN the anxiety came. The hormones definitely cured the hotflashes (duh) and helped with the anxiety so...

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    2. yeah, the hot flashes sucked but they did eventually come to an end. what I didn't expect is that my internal temperature would flip. I was always cold natured but no more. now I sweat so easy and it just pours off me. there was no judgement in my comment. I hope you know that.

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    3. Oh, Ellen! I know! But I absolutely did not think I'd ever be the one taking them. I'm the home birth lady! But by the time I started, I'd been having hot flashes for years. Like...four? And my doctor at the time told me that 15% of women never did get over them. And when relief was offered, I caved.

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    4. well, I don't blame you one bit. hopefully if you have to go off the hormones they won't come back.

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  14. Have a wonderful vacation! Enjoy happy moments with family!

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  15. Lily’s dress is fabulous! Not as fabulous as her smile, though. Hope the uterine thing is nothing worrisome, it’s perfectly normal to be stressed about it, especially at our age when so much can go wrong. I agree with everyone else that Magnolia is indeed an artist. Much love.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. She is a beautiful woman. At that age she reminded me so much of her Aunt Dee and now she reminds me of her Aunt Brenda- both Glen's sisters. Unfortunately the things she got from me are things you need medication for. Dammit. Genes. What are you going to do?

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  16. I probably would have made the same choice with your test results. I hope having week at the beach will give you some peace and lesson your anxiety!

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  17. Never seen anyone rock a plaid dress like Lily! gorgeous! And Maggie has a talent. Definitely *frame-worthy*
    susan M

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    1. Isn't that dress so cool? Just like the girl who's wearing it.
      I wonder if Maggie really has a talent or if that was just a lovely first attempt. We shall keep an eye on that girl.

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  18. I love Maggie's tree- it would look beautiful framed. I know how you feel about medical procedures- they hang over your head or lurk in the background while you wait for them to happen- but I am sure all will be well when you have it done. The waiting is the worst part. A trip to the beach will be a lovely diversion. I wish we lived closer to the sea-it's such a journey to even get to the closest beaches and driving here is awful- between reckless drivers and potholes and the odd cow on the highway-a nightmare!

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  19. I've never seen anyone look so good in a plaid dress and fishnets and that smile...She is a queen! Maggie's drawing is wonderful too...

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  20. I can see why you love both those photos, Lily's joy, and Maggie's talent, what a beautiful rendering of a tree, and what an artist's sight she has. She captured all the right notes and nothing extraneous. Yes, it should definitely be framed. And I am so thrilled for you that you're going to the beach with your beloveds, I can think of nothing better.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.