I'm not sure I've ever felt as reticent about posting as I have the past two days.
Not that there's anything big going on at all. Everything is rolling along as life does here in Lloyd. Jessie made it in safely, Owen completely abandoned all pretense at wanting to have anything to do with me or his Bop and Jessie is now his Golden Girl, his Love, his Reason For Living. He sobbed when he left last night because Jessie would not "come on " with him.
I wonder what he'll do on Monday and Tuesday when he is in the presence of both of his Golden Aunts- Jessie AND May. The world may explode.
So yeah, there's that.
And Freddy and the gang of actors and crew will be here in two hours to begin filming and and I am playing a corpse. A corpse. I will probably suck at being a corpse. But who knows?
I feel as if I am blocked. Not just a "writer's block" but an everything-block. Every step I take has to be considered. It's not like the usual anxiety/depression. It's a different thing but related. It's scaring me. I sat on the porch for a few moments last night and thought about it. Somehow my thoughts got to the place where if, as a child, people tell you they love you but all around you are lies then how do you ever grow up to know the truth? How do you grow up to trust, not only other people but yourself, your own feelings?
If the Buddhists say that all is illusion, is this just a head start on enlightenment?
It certainly doesn't feel that way.
This should be the best time of my life. Everything is full and not only full, but full of love, of joy.
Well, you know me. I go through these times. The world whirls around me and I sit still, even as it appears I am moving, too. I sit still and I give the appearance of participation. I am not Buddha in the flowers. I am not the flowers, either.
I am just a lump of clay, imperfect and lumpy and I peer out of my lumpishness with eyes hooded against the brightness as well as the dark. I can only retreat so far. My life will not allow me to disappear. Eventually, I will be pulled out again. This is the way of it, the tides and the moons and the greening and the dimming and the brightening and the flowing and the never-ending beginning and ending and beginning again and I must merely trust in it all.
Be well, y'all.
Here is you need even more distraction. :-) Glad Jessie is home safe and sound. She is Golden, as all of your children are.ReplyDelete
What is supposed to be may not be. Sitting in contemplation of life and truth is a good thing. I realize though that every person is flawed in some way. No one escapes this life without being marked by something or someone. That has helped me to be filled with compassion for others and for myself.ReplyDelete
Don't forget...you don't HAVE to blog more than once every day...or every day. Or even once a week. If you have a block, just accept that maybe you won't tomorrow. No need to beat yourself into making something go up that you don't feel good about.ReplyDelete
Take it from me, the once-a-month blogger ;)
I go in for surgery in about an hour. Will update FB when done.
And -"Blahg" is a perfect statement. Leave it to May! I wish May would ever call me again in her life :)ReplyDelete
Sometimes it's difficult to trust in the process... but we must... I am... even though the process for me means traumatic change and loss... I'll survive and be stronger for having trusted in it...ReplyDelete
I blame the humidity. Get this wet blanket off our shoulders and we will all lift our heads a little higher.ReplyDelete
Moons are fine. Moons rock 24/7.
You will be THE BEST CORPSE EVER in the history of film. Hear me now, believe my ass later.ReplyDelete
And also, I am in love with Syd. He is so wise and good.ReplyDelete
I'm going through one of "those times" too. Not sure what brings it on, I just try to hang on until it's over.ReplyDelete
I like the idea of playing a corpse.ReplyDelete
Sometime back I blahged that I suck at meditationa and YOU told me that meditation isn't something you're good or bad at, you just do. I say same applies to playing a corpse.
I, too, like the idea of playing a corpse. Such is my mood as well that it's all I can do to pick myself out of bad and carry on.ReplyDelete
We do what we must, look for humor, look for grace, wait.
death by Golden Aunts, that's what I'm hoping for.ReplyDelete
everything is constant change. that is the way of life. you can be swept along or fight it but you're going downstream nonetheless. when I get like that I just assume that all my bio-rythms are down at the same time. soon enough they will start to lift again.ReplyDelete
i've had that cant write thing visit me too. in fact, it is visiting me right now. i think it is partly our inner judge yammering inside our heads. i suspect your inner judge is as unkind sometimes as mine. it helps to have people here remind us that our inner judge can be mean and wrong. so ms moon, whatever your inner judge is telling you right now, i want you to know that everything your write here, EVERYTHING, is sustenance for us, it is real and raw and unflinching and true, and it is lighthearted and wickedly funny and tender and true, it is whatever is true for you that day, that hour, and is reminds us that it's all worth it, no matter what the tides are doing.ReplyDelete
enjoy your girls, and your grandbaby and we'll be here when the words flow more freely for you, and when they dont.
You, my dear, have written over 2,395 posts. Two thousand three hundred and ninety five. And that is not even counting September. I decided awhile ago to begin at the beginning, 2007, now into 2008 I am enchanted with your early musings and can't stop. There is something so innocent and fierce in them. If we are without postings from you for awhile, there is still plenty here to keep us amazed and connected.ReplyDelete
It is a novel, two even, that you have left us, of the voice of an ordinary, extraordinary sister seeker.
Maybe you should be tired. You've done a phenomenal thing. And it has been beautiful from day one.
Ms. Fleur- And there was plenty of distraction today. PLENTY!ReplyDelete
Syd- I agree with Ms. Bastard-Beloved. You are wise and good and I am grateful that you come here every day and share it with us. So thank-you.
SJ- I know. But usually, it is my joy. Every time. I will go check on FB now to see how you are. I hope very, very well.
Dianne- If it's hard to trust the good, it's even harder to trust the difficult and painful. I wish you great luck and courage.
Juancho- Moons try, baby. As do we all. Thanks for coming by, Juanch. I mean it!
Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Gawd. We shall see. You are LOVED!
Lois- Sometimes that is all you can do.
Stephanie- This may be true. I'll do my best at it.
Elizabeth- Why is it so hard for us to bestow grace on ourselves?
Moongam- Not a bad way to go, I think.
Ellen Abbott- Okay. I will wait.
Angella- You have no idea who much those words meant to me. No idea. But I am so grateful. Please know that.
Liv- What? Really? I have? That's freaking crazy! And I can't believe you're going back to the beginning and reading them all. Wow. I am humbled. Just humbled.
You'll be back to marvelling soon enough, I'm sure of it.ReplyDelete
You just described pretty much how I've been feeling for the past week--blah. Everything bores me and probably it is depression, although I don't really feel depressed. That is what is good about our ups and downs I suppose. When down we are forced to take notice and change things.ReplyDelete
Playing a corpse sounds way too exciting, and I hope you do well with it. :-) Or perhaps you are playing a walking corpse?