Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Please No

The anxiety came back yesterday afternoon like a bolt from the sky. It just hit me smack upside the head, the body. By the time Mr. Moon got back last night I was curled up in a fetal position on the bed. He held me. I got out of the bed and found the two Ativan I've had stashed away for over a year and took one. Within a little while, I was okay. Not great. But okay.
He made us supper.
I went to sleep. I slept forever until it was time to get up.
It's the most beautiful day here. Do you see that sky?

I'm going to be okay. I am. I know it. Just writing this out I've cried a little and feel better for that.
The chickens are beautiful in the sun, their feathers are glossy, their combs bright red. They are making their morning noises, their happiness at being out, scratching for bird seed under the feeder. The little birds are twittering and darting around the feeder above them. The cat is in her jungle, stalking her wild beasts.

I have things I need to do. I have to get out into the world. I want to do these things. I want not to be a worry, a burden to my husband.

Well. Anyway. One step at a time. This is where I am today.
This is how it is some days. For whatever reason. Mercury, the moon, solar flares, haywired wiring.
I am a human and my imperfections are vast. The mysteries of the brain and heart are boundless.

Okay. Yes. Okay.


  1. Maybe when we are happy for too long we get worried that something we aren't seeing is going to come along and blindside us and so we get busy worrying about that unseen thing that is really only a figment of our overactive imaginations. I'm glad your man came home and held you, and that you took the ativan and slept deeply. May today be all blue skies. Love to you, sweet woman.

  2. Those mysteries are boundless. Holding you in my heart. Be well. I think staying outside under the sky is always good. xo

  3. May the warmth of the sun and your man's kind regard find that dark dog and chase him out, and all the animal sidekicks and beautiful offspring entertain and delight you with their love and antics. And thank all the gods that may be for the tools of medicine! Hugs from sunny Vermont where all the sunglasses are pulled out as the snow and ice try to blind us and we do not complain, cause sun, ya'll!

  4. ps, here's a funny one for ya...
    There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

  5. The brain is still a huge mystery, you are so right. Just a random thought to offer - have you noticed any connection between the anxiety and the barometric pressure? (In yesterday's post you mentioned the temperature was dropping fast, which can be caused by a change in air pressure.) Take care of yourself, Ms Moon. It is so good that your hubby understands and looks after you too.

  6. It is so difficult for most people to understand.....they look at you and you look look at the sky and know that it is look at your family and are enjoy all the patterings and antics of all the worlds creatures....but still, and still...

    Feel better, my friend.

  7. Ach, I hate it. But it sounds like you know what to do.

  8. One step at the time, dear Ms Moon, just one step after another. Sending you hugs.

  9. Lately I have been trudging through. Anxiety and depression are weighing me down but at the moment I have nothing that is making me happy. May it pass for both of us.

  10. Being a human is really hard. Some days I'm surprised we don't all implode. But the amazing thing about being human, is yes, your sky. I think it's important to recognize one beautiful thing each day. xoxo

  11. I hate that feeling, I'm glad you had Mr. Moon and Ativan to help. I hope you are feeling better. Gail

  12. Oh I am sorry for you to have to endure this feeling, and I am glad that you have kind people and good medication to show you the way out.

  13. Oh I am sorry for you to have to endure this feeling, and I am glad that you have kind people and good medication to show you the way out.

  14. thinking of you.
    seriously mm, you do amazingly, considering the trauma you've had.
    try to go easy on yourself
    and just take care.
    you are not a burden to anyone.

  15. Well it must be going around because I have had it hit me for the last few days, especially last weekend for some reason. I know it will pass. It always does.

  16. Even your writing about such heavy things -- your heavy heart, your anxiety -- there's a peace to it, a lilt, a deep wisdom. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  17. Who knows why these things happen. Sorry you're having to deal with it again. I'm glad you had a pharmaceutical stash at hand! I hope getting out into the world has helped -- brain fog or no.

  18. Angella- Thank you. And yes, I am so lucky to have this man who always comes home.

    Denise- You are so right about being outside.

    Big Mamabird- The sun- I am so glad it is shining now. I am not sure what I would do if it were raining.
    And that joke is hysterical. I love it! Thank you.

    Sarah- And back to you!

    jenny_o- I don't think this time it was triggered by that. Our weather changes so much this time of year but mostly just temperature-wise.
    But...good point.

    Peace, Thyme- Exactly! You know.

    Jo- This is not unexplored territory for me, is it?

    Ms. Vesuvius- Thank you.

    Sabine- That is all that can be done, isn't there?

    ditchingthedog- Amen, sweet sister!

    Rachel- I am grateful that I can recognize so much beauty, no matter what.

    Gail- Me too. And my cat. She helped.

    Jenny Woolf- Yep. I couldn't do this by myself. Ever.

    Bethany- Oh. You made me cry a little. I love you. Thank you.

    Lois- And thank the heavenly stars for that!

    Elizabeth- You are precious to me.

    Steve Reed- It probably did help. But god, it was hard. I felt so stupid.

  19. oh well, I'm reading backwards and now I see. this too will pass.

  20. Thank scientists for Ativan sometimes!
    Have you tried meditation? I downloaded an audiobook by Glenn Harold that worked wonders for me. Of course, at my peak, I was listening to it 10 times in a row to get through a night, but it really helped.

  21. Sometimes it hits me too. I get anxious about the horse now. And there are days that I wonder if I made a mistake by having so much responsibility with this wonderful animal that I love. Hard to explain my connection with animals. I am a caretaker for him. And he is magnificent.


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