Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Good Morning

Tiniest bit of rain dripping, drizzling, three cardinals, one red-headed woodpecker, several finches at the feeder. Preternaturally pink camellias with redbirds.

It's peaceful in my head today, too. This is delicious and just as it's hard to put together the words to describe the place I find myself in when I am having anxiety, it is hard to find the words to describe what this relief feels like. It is not a perfect peace, but it is nowhere near the red zone. And just as I have no idea why the anxiety comes, I have no idea what lets me release it.
And I feel that even saying that is wrong. I do not "release it." I don't think I have the ability to do that any more than I would have the ability to release the feelings I might have if my head was on fire.
Does that make sense?

I don't know and I don't care.

Yesterday was so busy. The appointment with the NP went okay. They seem a bit spacey there. But they drew my blood (the little nurse said, about the vein in my left arm, "Ray Charles could hit that!") and my NP actually gave me a prescription for a few Valium and I didn't even have to beg. And that was that. I called and made an appointment to go see the dermatologist to check out these places on my back that just don't go away. That will be early tomorrow morning and my plan is to take myself to breakfast afterwards and sit in the steamy bacon-and-fried-potato smelling warmth of the Waffle House and eat raisin toast with apple butter and eggs and watch the grill man do magic.
One needs something to look forward to. The nice little carrot at the end of the stick.
After I got home yesterday, the boys came out and then Jessie and then May and Michael and it was so nice to have everyone here. A large puzzle of a T Rex was done in the hallway

and the girls went shopping in my closet which made me happy. I picked greens from the garden and sent everyone home with some. I gave May and Michael eggs. And after everyone went home, I asked my husband if he would take me out to eat Mexican food and he did and then we came home and watched two episodes of The British Bake-Off, the last being the finale of season four, and it was so fun. Both of us love that show and I'm not even sure why.
It's just so sweet. Pun very much intended.
Then we slept very well, watched over by our cat.

This morning's mail brought my new (used) CD player which I ordered weeks ago AND a beautiful article from the NYT about the new book of photographs of the Rolling Stones, sent by Ms. Coyote in a real envelope all the way across the country. I am doing laundry. I don't have to go anywhere today. It is getting chillier but it is not going to freeze. I bought a new broom yesterday and I hate it and I am going to take it back tomorrow.
Is that a first-world problem? I feel certain that defective brooms are a problem everywhere in the world. Somehow it's not the same as getting a new $400.00 Dyson and finding that it doesn't suck properly. I never take things back just for the reason of "I don't like it," but in this case, I believe I will.

And there you are. I feel as if I have awakened from a nightmare, even if I am still in bed and in danger of falling back into it. That may happen but for right now, I am okay. It feels as delicate and tenuous as spring, this peace, but I will take it and love it for all it's worth, for however long it lasts.

Much love...Ms. Moon


  1. I'm glad you had a peaceful night...it is overcast here today, so I too am doing laundry...still have a bit of a cough and still tired...I don't know why it is so hard to come back after anything upper respiratory...

  2. still cold, overcast, and damp here. I only went out yesterday to fill the tea cup. same so far today. I have work in the shop to do but I also have stuff to do here inside so I probably won't go out today either. late cold weather always seems worse to me than the same weather in the middle of winter.

  3. It's kinda like it releases you..? I find it so sometimes, also with the migraines that visit themselves upon me, when they are finished with me they fade away nonchalantly without a 'sorry 'bout it' or anything. I love your photos of the greenery as I recover from the minus 28 degree morning... It's warmed up since but dang! My geranium is blooming, dear thing.

  4. I am so glad you are feeling peaceful, may it last forever. Gail

  5. The photos of beauty are, well, beautiful. I'm glad you feel peaceful.

  6. Well, obviously I was absent and things went awry. I will read more on the older posts. Thinking of you.

  7. Your spring pictures make me happy. And the black dog slinky away does too.

  8. big mamabird has it right. It releases us when it is damn good and ready. I know there is nothing I can do but I will always keep trying. This is probably as effective as an asthmatic thinking the best treatment is to keep running even after she turns blue.

  9. it doesn't suck properly

    Oh Mary you made me laugh so hard I about peed myself sometimes there are just things I need to read and how often I find them here.


  10. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me.

    And yes, what is it about brooms these days?

    Peace and love to you, Mrs. Moon.

    Thanks for the beauty.

  11. I wrote a long comment and it went somewhere?? Cut to the chase... I love you and wish I had a mom just like you. Also I suffer from anxiety too and take medication and there is no explanation sometime. Sometimes I have bad memories associated with a season and that is all it takes otherwise it just is what it is and it sucks and I just have to ride the wave until it passes. I am glad you are feeling some peace right now.

  12. I'm still catching up on your posts and I saw the one where Jessie and Vergil are having a baby. That makes me so happy! I also saw a video on Facebook today about depression that I thought was good. I think it can also apply to anxiety since they seem to travel together. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153139316564769

  13. Ahhhh...Waffle House! I sit and watch the grill people when the waitresses call out the orders. Hearing three people,yell "scattered, covered and smothered" at the same time would have me throwing eggs at them! So glad the anxiety is lessening. Move had a bit of a tussle myself the last two days. I guess my cure for it is sleep...I slept 11 hours last night, then climbed into bed while making it....and slept for five hours!

  14. Blogger ate my long and heartfelt comment! Not cool blogger! Oh well, the gist is I love you and I'm glad you're feeling better.

  15. I can feel the easing of tension even all the way across the ocean -- and the photos express it so well. I'd take that broom back too. Life is too short to sweep with a bad broom.

  16. e- It really is. Sometimes a cough, especially, will linger for so long. Even in kids.

    ellen abbott- I have tried to make myself go out and walk today and I just can't face the wet drear of it. I know what you mean.

    Elizabeth- My own little piece of enchantment. At least that's what it feels like to me.

    Big mamabird- Minus 28 is not a temperature for humans. Or mammals, for that matter. Or...anything. This is my opinion. How do you stand it?

    Gail- I would wish that too but I doubt it's going to happen. I sure appreciate your hopes, though.

    jenny_o- Spring is doing it's best to creep in.

    Syd- You are such a sweet reader. Thank you.

    Jill- I feel like maybe he's just hiding under the porch but whatever. I'm not going to call him out to feed him, I'll tell you that!

    Birdie- You are probably right.

    Madame King- I am glad to make you laugh. So very glad.

    Denise- Thank you for the beauty YOU send out. And yeah, broom technology should be better developed by now, wouldn't you think?

    Joanne- Yes. What can we do except ride it? We sure don't have to like it when it's happening, though, do we?
    I am so sorry your comment got lost. That seems to be happening and it pisses me off! So much.

    Lois- Thanks for the link, honey!

    Catrina- And I am about to take a nap.

    Angella- This blogger-losing-my-comments thing is beginning to really annoy me. I am SO sorry. I love you too!

    Steve Reed- Amen on the broom! I was going to take it back today but forget. I'll do it tomorrow.

  17. Your house is so beautiful. I'm going to Orlando in 10 days and I've never been to Florida before ( I know you are in a different part), but I'm awfully excited to see a bit of your home state. xoxo

  18. I agree with you in regards to the low temps, but what can I do...well, I am at the stage of painting the snow banks all the pretty rainbow colors with an empty dish soap bottle and watered down tempera paint...


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