I am so tired. I am not sure why because I didn't do that much today but it seemed like I was always doing something and even lunch, which was big fun, was active in that we ate outside so that Owen could run, and run he did over the grounds at the cafe of a beautiful old place in Tallahassee called Goodwood.
At one point, to coax him to eat, I made him a picnic by putting his plates on the ground and he liked that a lot. I'd give you a picture but I'm too tired to transfer it from the phone and sorry but take my word for it- it was lovely.
This is such a time of wondering for us all. What will the new baby be like and how will Owen take to him or her? Will he be jealous, will he be fascinated, will he decide that in order to get his fair share of attention he'll have to act out and be crazy, crazy?
Probably all of the above.
Bless his heart.
But mostly bless Lily's heart. She is SO pregnant and yet there she is at work and she doesn't complain. She is so much stronger than I could ever be. I am so proud of her.
I think of how tired she must be and I am humbled.
Tomorrow I go back to the Assisted Living, as does Mr. Moon and as will our social worker and we will all be there to observe as Mother gets yet one more cognitive test, this one from someone the insurance company is sending over. This is just so far past the point of ridiculousness that I can't even begin to find any humor in it or meaning, either. Hoop after hoop after hoop must be jumped and here we are, jumping them like dyed-pink poodles, kissing the hand of the company to which Mother paid so much money in good faith.
Perhaps the thought of that is making me so tired. Why this country fights single-payer universal health care is so far beyond my ability to understand that I can't even tell you. The money we would save in not having to do the paper/office work of all of the insurance companies has to be enough to pay for it all. Or at least close. And the only losers would be...the insurance companies and who doesn't hate them?
They must have some powerful lobbyists and I'm sure that's true. I am SO tired of political bullshit. So very, very tired of it all. But I tell you this- the next time I hear ANYONE say that we have the greatest health care in the world, I am going to personally smack that person into the next week.
Sure. It's the greatest if you have enough money to buy a medium-sized country or drive several Cadillacs and several Range Rovers and have four or five mansions and many off-shore bank accounts. Yeah. It's probably a really great health care system then.
Otherwise- fucking forget it.
All right. I am just tired. And as soon as is decently possible, I am going to go to bed and then I'll get up and go to Mother's and then go pick up Owen and bring him here and maybe he can help me in the garden. I'm trying to get that potato plot ready to plant. He can wear his overalls and I can wear mine and we can get filthy and then he can take a bath, which he loves to do here, and then I'll wrap him up in a big towel and hold him to me and he'll say, "Shake, MerMer!" and I'll shake the baby (but not the kind of shaking where you give them head injuries) and then I'll try to get a diaper on him and he'll run like the wind and hide and laugh. I know that boy.
Oh yes. I know that boy. That Kung-Fu, Hai-Yai-ing boy, that running, hiding boy, that laughing, naked boy. That "no way!" boy, that "hold on!" boy, that boy who is growing like a yard-long bean on the fence. That bend-down-and-crunch-collard-greens-from-the-garden boy, that boy I tell the Mr. Peep story to, that boy who plays so hard and then falls asleep as I softly rub his back and croon a story to about an old turkey and all of the animals he plays with. That boy who chases chickens and who tells his mama, "Owen love you, Mama!" and hugs her hard, hard, hard before she goes to work.
He is the essence of all the love I've felt for all of my babies and here I am, drowning in all of it again and am about to jump into love with another who will be so very different and whom I will love with all that same fierce and unbelievable joy.
Yes. I get tired. Who wouldn't? And would I trade it for anything?
You know the answer to that one.
Get some rest, y'all. And especially you, Lily.
So much love...MerMer