Thursday, September 3, 2009

For Stillness


The air feels dreamy this morning, and so do I. That thin line between awake and asleep hasn't been fully crossed yet and to make matters more so, I must have slept so hard on one side of my head that my eye is swollen and my vision is blurred from it and perhaps I am still asleep, just dreaming this wakefulness.

When I was walking out into this coolness to get the paper, to feed the cats, my thoughts began to rise up, the way they always do, accusing me of every sort of inadequacy. This is how I begin my day, every day. This morning, still asleep and dreaming, or half awake and dreaming, I thought, What if I just let those thoughts go unanswered? What if I just let them flow undisturbed and put my attention elsewhere?

I thought of my longtime friend who sits zazen every morning and has for many, many years. What does he do with thoughts? Is that what he does? Sit on the bank of the river of his thoughts, breathing and watching them flow, not bothering to disturb them, not bothering to dip into them as he notices the deer on the other side of the bank, come to sip?
I don't know.

The air is different. It makes us yearn, fall does. We are suspended between summer's hot struggle and winter's cold season of too-much and too-little. Can I just rest here, for a moment, dreaming of nothing but this moment? Can I let the river of too-hot and too-cold, too-still and too-furious pass on without having to submerge myself in that rush?

Can I stow my feelings away for a little while, like winter's sweaters when we no longer need them, let myself just breathe with what is?

I suppose it is a discipline, which seems oxymoronic, to have to work so hard to learn to let go.

It is cool this morning and the air where it touches my skin makes me yearn, makes me sad, makes me desire, makes me wonder.

It does not wake me up. It does not push me forward, it does not do anything but touch me this morning and that touching is enough, I suppose.

I suppose it is. I suppose it is.

20 comments:

  1. beautiful Ms. Moon....just beautiful.
    -michelle

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  2. makes me hungry for soup!

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  3. It's too early to think so deeply darlin'. Wow. I think you've stretched my pea brain like a rubber band.

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  4. I loved this post, dear friend. I tend to struggle with mornings too. I have to make myself just stop and appreciate the calmness, the silence of the house.

    Love,

    SB

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  5. See, mornings for me are about the only time I have any real sense of who I am and what I am doing here on my little parcel of the earth.

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  6. I feel like ass today (stupid withdrawal) and this? Was like a salve. Reading this was amazing. Thank you.

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  7. All I know is that I could not bring myself to dress and leave my house this morning. I had to call work and say I would be late. (I'm here now.) I just wanted to open my doors and be still.

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  8. You are a buddhist. That makes sense.

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  9. Your zen-ness comes through cyberspace and rests on me. Have a wonderful day.

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  10. I am enjoying your morning vicariously. Thank you for sharing it.

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  11. That was so simple, so beautiful, and so true. I love you.

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  12. JustMeStillMichelle- Oh. Thank-you.

    Magnum- I had soup for lunch and it was perfect!

    Marsha- Just a little wander of a ponder.

    Ms. Bastard- It's hard work, being calm, isn't it? Bless you, dear one.

    Kori- Good for you! Perfect timing, as far as I can see.

    Aunt Becky- WHAT are you withdrawing from? Society or a medication?

    PalagiGirl- Sleepy thoughts.

    DTG- That is pretty much what I am doing now.

    Mwa- I don't think I'm a Buddhist. I'm not even sure how you'd define a one so I doubt I could be one.

    Elizabeth- I hope the smoke clears from your skies soon.

    Steph- You're welcome!

    May- I love you, too.

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  13. We are a product of our Western culture, aren't we? Any moments when we can peak into our soul become true gifts -- just to BE is so hard. Thanks for sharing your morning.

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  14. Morning is when I am best (mostly) too...if I've gotten enough sleep, that is. There's still a chance of doing things right, to do something good...evenings are my bad time, when I realize I didn't.

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  15. I missed reading yesterday's post yesterday.
    What's the plan with the chickens/rooster - allow nature to take its course (allow Sam to copulate with a chicken, if he can catch her) - and thereby acquire even more chickens? If not, it would seem to me that Sam needs his own bachelor pad.

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  16. Hope your evening includes martoonies.
    xo pf

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  17. Ms. Lo- It's so nice to see your words again.

    SJ- See? For me, night is the time to think, "Well, yep, I'm going to bed and when I get up, it'll all be a new day and a new chance." But when I get up, it's like, "I am doomed! I am a failure!"
    I never said I was logical. Only crazy.

    Ms. Lucy- Did you not get the chicken tutorial? Anyway, if the eggs are not sat on by a hen, they will not develop into baby chickens. Unless you put them into an incubator or something like that. If you steal them and put them in your refrigerator, they will just be food.

    Ms. Fleur- It is not too late.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.