I took a walk, albeit a fairly short one. I took the trash and recycle. I did laundry. I went to Publix. I also went to Goodwill because I was feeling as if there was a huge hole in my soul and a cashmere sweater might have gone to some lengths to stuff that hole up with softness and comfort.
I couldn't find one cashmere sweater.
Not one. Not even in the wrong size or in a hideous color.
I did buy a shirt but I'm not very excited about it.
I came home and finished the laundry and moved everything I can move out of the kitchen and the adjoining bathroom, and swept and mopped that whole space.
Not even the smell of Fabuloso and white vinegar and the way the floor feels now on bare feet is making me feel any better. It'll just be filthy again in a few days. As we all know.
So I don't think I've reclaimed myself.
Instead, I feel like one of my knees is about to blow out and I've still got the saddies.
As Sue used to say.
Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with Ms. Magnolia June for awhile. Jason is going to be taking Owen to Jacksonville for an appointment with his neurologist and Lily wants to take Gibson to a movie as a reward for making all A's and B's on his report card. It's a good thing to spend time alone with each child and Gibson deserves that. He's such a sweet boy. Yesterday I kept finding him with his arms around me, looking up at me, saying, "I love you Mer."
This was generally followed with a "Can I have a pickled okra?" but that's okay. I know he does truly love me, just as I love him and it means so much to me that he has my middle name as his first name. I told him yesterday in fact that when his parents told me what they were naming him after he was born, I cried. I was astonished!
And I bought more pickled okra at the store today.
So Maggie and I will have a good time together. She left her dollies and a bear in the library yesterday and they are like little tableaux just waiting for her to come back and reanimate.
I wonder if I'm a little sad because my husband is leaving in just a few days to go back to Canada. As I've said a million times before, I do not mind being alone at all and actually cherish the experience. Still, I will miss him.
Well, this will pass and in a day or two my tiny seeds will have done their miracle thing and will be pushing tiny green leaves through the dirt. I love the way the greens all look like little sets of ears when they first appear. No matter how old I get, how many times I do this, it's always a cheerful and even amazing thing to me. And of course, I always plant too many seeds and never thin the sproutlings enough but hey! Maybe this year I'll be a bit more heartless about pinching out enough seedlings to allow the ones remaining to truly thrive.
It just seems so cruel which is absolutely ridiculous.
Cruel to be kind. Right?
Many times not.
It is good and wise to know the difference.