Thursday, July 14, 2016

I Want My Badassedness Back

I probably made a huge mistake this morning but nothing new about that. I let the chickens out. The barred rock right in front there is the one that was wounded by the dog. I do believe he's a rooster because I'd just started noticing tail feathers growing in. He's just hanging out by the waterer. He can walk but is definitely injured.
The dog owner came by last night and apologized profusely which was the neighborly thing to do. He's getting rid of the dog and good for him. He did indeed nip a child and supposedly learned to kill chickens when some of my neighbor's birds flew into their yard when he was a pup.
My heart is still rather broken.
In fact, the badass fierce woman who came back from Cuba has disappeared, almost entirely.
I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I'm tired of everything. Maybe I'm just tired.
Yesterday I felt like I did a horrible job of grandmothering. I told Owen I was disappointed in him because of something he did which was just something any six-year old boy would have done and I hurt his little heart and that heart my old worn-out heart and I can barely stop crying about it.
This heat brings on all sorts of insanity. It's like we barely have enough energy to do what must be done and it leaves nothing left for the sweet luxuries of humor or grace.
But that's probably just an excuse.
Maybe I'm turning into my mother who used guilt and martyrdom to manipulate and control those around her. God I hope not. I'd rather jump off a cliff now and spare the world the pain.
Or maybe I should just move my whiney old ass away from the ones I love in order to spare them the agony.
Does that sound martyry?
Is it too late to become someone new? Someone smarter and wiser and more adventuresome? Someone who might sit down and finish one of the several novels she started writing back in the old days? Someone who, in some ways, gives far less of a fuck and in others, far more of one?

I have no clue. Not one.
But I do have this.

Thank you, Rufus. I loved your daddy, I love you. I probably still love your daddy but now this is about his son.

Despair and redemption. Music. Leonard Cohen (who is the grandfather of Rufus Wainwright's daughter, by the way) wrote the song and if you want to hear it from the master's mouth, here you go.

Some days you just have to remind yourself that there is beauty and there is magnificence and splendor even in this crazy, fucked up world where we are all, at times, crazy and fucked up, and this is one of those for me.


Love...Ms. Moon


  1. You are still BA, even in humility. If you love that song, check out Brandi Carlile's version.

  2. Dear Ms Moon, regarding Owen....all kids occasionally need a reprimand when their behavior warrants it. He won't be scarred for life by being told someone was disappointed in him when he was acting up! And six isn't too young to start to understand the effect of his actions on other people's feelings. That's part of the process of growing up to be a decent human being.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself! You are a WONDERFUL grandmother, and mother, and lady. Owen is lucky, and so is the rest of your family. And you can bet they all know it!

    Hugs to you!

  3. Forget your troubles.Come on over. Have a sit down,a glass of something nice and help me with playing detective.(You will see what mean)

  4. You're human.

    Telling someone you're disappointed in them... it might not be good to hear but it's not hugely high on the list of abusive behaviours.

    He knows how proud you are of him, how much you adore him, how fabulous you think he is. You were disappointed in something he did in that minute, not really him.

    Don't cry. Just talk to him and explain you feel bad and tell him all the good things. We all make mistakes and do things we regret - it's how you manage it afterwards that counts in the long run - given that this is a blip in your ridiculously exemplary grandmotherly record.

    It's ok, it's ok, both of you. You can sort it out easy. Don't cry. Hug it better.

  5. When my now almost-20-year-old granddaughter was five she yelled something at me (strange, but I don't remember what it was), and I got down on the floor with her and told her how disappointed I was that she used that tone of voice. She began the hiccuping, then the sobbing, and I followed suit. My heart still hurts just thinking about that, and, oddly, she has no memory of it at all. You've had a loss in your family (chickens = pets = family), and you don't have to be BadAss all the time.

  6. We all have days we wish to do over. We are human. Tomorrow is a new day.

    I love that song no matter who is singing it. If you want to hear another wonderful version, check out Canada's k.d.lang at the 2010 Olympics, here:

  7. By the way, each and every time I listen to him sing Hallelujah I sob...deep, heart-wrenching, cleansing sobs...which I'm doing right now.

  8. well, what else can you do when they come and take responsibility?

    my mother has come out of my mouth at times and I always cringe when I realize it. it didn't, doesn't make me her. this Mary Moon is just fine and yes sometimes we say things we don't think about, and are aghast when it hurts someone we love. we apologize and move forward in love.

  9. If your grown kids came to you with this story, and told you how badly they felt about themselves because of it, what would you say to them? I am willing to bet you would say something comforting and sensible. It's too bad we can't speak as lovingly to ourselves.

  10. You will get your badassaedness back for sure.
    Owen loves you so very much and he will understand.
    You are just how a Grandma should be, in my mind. And Leonard Cohen is the best singer/songwriter in my mind, so I can't be far wrong... Sending hugs x

  11. you are always a badass to me.


  12. Oh, I know that feeling! Naps are good. I bet your mother didn't feel so much guilt and remorse, so phew, you're not her!

  13. Oh, I know that feeling! Naps are good. I bet your mother didn't feel so much guilt and remorse, so phew, you're not her!

  14. I am glad he is getting rid of the dog. Sometimes things we don't want to do need to be done. And sometimes we hurt the feelings of those you love the most. You will make it right and that will bring you even closer. Hurting those we love happens. It does.

    I saw that Hallelujah video a few days back. I cried!

    Do you have any tattoos? You could get one that that says you are a badass. I know my snoopy and woodstock tattoo strikes fear into the hearts of everyone that sees it.

  15. Ashley- Beautiful.

    Jennifer- I am coming to terms with all of that. Being a grandmother is something altogether different from anything I've ever known.

    Angela- That was interesting.

    Jo- I think we have done. Bless his tender little heart. And my tender old one.

    Catrina- Thank you. I know it will all be fine.

    jenny_o- I have been a huge fan of her's since forever. Thank you. I'm trembling in my soul.

    Catrina- Talk about your cleanses- there you go.

    Ellen Abbott- Yes m'am. Thank you for the reminder.

    anonova- Lily has been doing just that. I appreciate it so much.

    bugerlugs- Amen and there you go. Thank you.

    Mrs. A- You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.

    Betsy- God. I hope not. Thank you, darling.

    Birdie- I don't have any tattoos but the funny thing is, after I got back from Cuba I thought that maybe I should get one to memorialize the occasion. Or...get my nose pierced. Something.

  16. All we can do is do our best. And some days we mess up. We all do it.

  17. Owen will be fine. He knows his grandma loves him. Plus your heart was hurting over the chickens. So happy to hear the dog owner is sending the dog elsewhere. And you my dear will always be a badass to me. Hmmm a tattoo. I like the idea!

  18. Wait -- Rufus Wainwright has a daughter?!

    I often feel like I want a do-over.

  19. I am sure that your talking to Owen won't make him an axe murderer. But I get your feeling bad too. For the record, I think you are the best at the parenting and grandparenting thing. I don't see how you have the patience.


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