Wednesday, March 26, 2014

We All Dance In And Out Of Shadow

The sun is out and it is chilly and my anxiety came back last night like a tsunami and it's still here this morning and I really cannot cope with this.
I have no idea what triggered it. Nothing has changed. Nothing. I still live here in this house I love and as far as I know, my children are all fine, my husband too. The bluebirds are flitting about the yard, the males are bluer than any blue I've ever seen or can imagine. They are raising their babies, I can only assume, as they should in spring. I don't think it froze last night although Mr. Moon covered up all his tomato plants with buckets and bins. The world continues to spin, the stars have not fallen from the sky, the first wisteria blossom on the trellis is showing purple.

I think I even see swelling at the tips of the pecan branches. 
There is food to eat in cabinets and refrigerator, water comes forth from the taps. 

All is as it should be and my soul quakes. It was so odd last night. I just suddenly felt as if some horrible disaster was about to occur and I had to talk myself down from that. It's only chemicals, it's just a feeling, feelings are not real...

I go to the calendar to see if this is the date of someone's death whom I loved but no, in fact it is Billy and Shayla's ninth anniversary- a day to celebrate, only happy memories associated with that good day. 

Well. I will keep moving. I will go let the chickens out and I may take a walk or I may not. I will get ready for the boys to come out. I will uncover the tomato plants. I will be gentle with my soul so that it may unfold again. I will remember over and over again as my mind trips into the dark place that this is illusion, that everything is fine. I can see that, touch that, feel that. 

It is a beautiful spring day and I need to come back from the edge and I will, I am, I swear. 


  1. I think we all have days like this, just a feeling of something to come. I'm sure a day in the yard will help.
    Lori in Atlanta

  2. Maybe that ill wind got inside of you and is roaring around in there trying to topple things, but a walk will help calm it down, and the chickens, too, and your good, nourishing food and time, and all the soothing love you give is always coming back to you and that's a whole lot of love.

  3. Feelings are very real. I am so sorry you are suffering through this terrible anxiety. I hope it passes quickly.

  4. Lori- Well, yes. We do. This is pretty intense though.

    Andrea- When the boys get here, I will be okay. They take me out of my head in a way that nothing else does.

    Rebecca- You know. For some reason, it makes me cry that you know so (too) well. Thank you.

  5. what helped me was reading the book The Wisdom of Menopause by Dr. Northrup...forgot her first name...maybe Laura. Anyway, she explains how our brains actually get re-wired and I totally believe it...lots of good info and it was my bible for a while. What happened to me was I thought I was having a stroke or something....I could think of words but they wouldn't get from my brain to my mouth...scared me!

  6. Christiana Northrup. That book is my go-to menopause book.
    Feelings are real. The important thing to remember is that they pass, like a fart or a flutter. It's important to get to the root of the feeling so you can identify it. Like, "oh, I'm not anxious, I'm excited and my crazy brain is mixing up my feelings." Or "I'm not anxious, I'm sad because Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin broke up and now those two kids will be in a broken home." Anxiety is such a blanket term for a generalized group of bad feelings, pull the blanket off and try to discover the real feeling, but be kind to yourself I'm the process. Feelings are feelings, just like farts are farts.
    I'm the Canadian Dr. Phil. LOL!

  7. Ain't For City Gals- Yes. I've read that book. I have that book. I've been done with menopause for years. But it's true. The change of hormones can fuck you up.

    heartinhand- I think it's mostly chemical for me. I swear, I do.
    I'm okay.

  8. Mary, I wish that those feelings didn't occur. Seems as if you know how to get yourself moving to quiet them. Haven't had those terrible feelings in a while now, but it was hell when it was happening in 2013. Seems that year was one endless bad feeling.


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