I have no idea what triggered it. Nothing has changed. Nothing. I still live here in this house I love and as far as I know, my children are all fine, my husband too. The bluebirds are flitting about the yard, the males are bluer than any blue I've ever seen or can imagine. They are raising their babies, I can only assume, as they should in spring. I don't think it froze last night although Mr. Moon covered up all his tomato plants with buckets and bins. The world continues to spin, the stars have not fallen from the sky, the first wisteria blossom on the trellis is showing purple.
I think I even see swelling at the tips of the pecan branches.
There is food to eat in cabinets and refrigerator, water comes forth from the taps.
All is as it should be and my soul quakes. It was so odd last night. I just suddenly felt as if some horrible disaster was about to occur and I had to talk myself down from that. It's only chemicals, it's just a feeling, feelings are not real...
I go to the calendar to see if this is the date of someone's death whom I loved but no, in fact it is Billy and Shayla's ninth anniversary- a day to celebrate, only happy memories associated with that good day.
Well. I will keep moving. I will go let the chickens out and I may take a walk or I may not. I will get ready for the boys to come out. I will uncover the tomato plants. I will be gentle with my soul so that it may unfold again. I will remember over and over again as my mind trips into the dark place that this is illusion, that everything is fine. I can see that, touch that, feel that.
It is a beautiful spring day and I need to come back from the edge and I will, I am, I swear.