Monday, November 11, 2013

What's Next?

My husband didn't go to work today as his office is in a bank which of course was closed for Veteran's Day but he was doing his homework this morning to see if the auction he goes to in Orlando had any of the cars he needed for his customers when he figured out that they didn't and that he might as well just head up to Georgia to the hunting camp.
It's Rut Week, or something like that, meaning that the deer are moving, which in human terms would be not unlike Spring Break in Cancun. Does Gone Wild! Bucks jumping off of balconies after doing way too many shots of tequila! Wet T-shirt contests in the forest! Primeval Twerking goin' on, y'all. The moon is right, the temperature is dropping and the deer are horny.
No pun intended, trust me.

So one minute I was thinking that he might be gone for a night and the next minute he's packing up enough camo and...stuff...for a month.
"How long do you think you'll be gone?" I asked him.
"Can we keep that open-ended?" he asked.
What could I say? This is the man who leaves me so many love notes in the mornings in front of the coffee pot that I have cigar boxes overflowing with them. This is the man who gets on his knees to tell me how much he loves me. This is the man who has put up with my particularly spiky form of insanity for thirty years. This is the man who is the grandfather of my grandchildren. This is the man who has supported me in all ways since he met me. This is the man whom I love.

Still, I felt rather abruptly abandoned. I will not lie to you.
As soon as he left, I laid down in the bed. "I have taken to my bed," I texted a friend. I fell asleep almost immediately as if a hard knock-out punch had been delivered. I woke up after just a few moments and laid there breathing so regularly and being so still that a jury of thousands would have judged me to be asleep but somehow even though I was wide awake, I could not bring myself to move a millimeter in any direction. I laid there, I breathed, I wondered what my life means and what in hell I was going to do with myself for the time.
Then I got up and made coffee and started writing something.
I feel better now. And it's not that I mind being alone. Lord, I love being alone. It was just a shock to my system.

Tomorrow I may drive to Monticello. There is a body butter that I seem to only be able to find in the "ethnic" section of the Winn Dixie there which I use in winter. It bills itself as "Organic" although I think in this instance that only means it's carbon-based as the second ingredient in it is mineral oil and it contains many ingredients whose names I cannot pronounce. It is cheap and it smells good and my skin drinks it up. I may go visit the Mexican Import place if it's still open. They have giant tin roosters, six feet tall, and pots shaped like turtles and fishes and shot glasses and a little folk-art carousel made of metal which my grandsons would love and which I would buy first thing on the list if I won the lottery.
I might. I might do those things.
Lon and Lis are playing in Tallahassee tomorrow night. Maybe I'll go see them. Maybe I'll embolden myself enough to shower and put on make-up and heft my hiney into the car and drive to Tallahassee in the dark and listen to them play.
Maybe. It would do my heart good, it would do me good, to do those things.

When I was laying there in the bed today, pretending to be asleep for the jury of thousands, I wished I had the courage and the life-spark enough to simply pick up and pack up and fly to Mexico, get a room at Hotel Pepita and those of you who have been coming here for a few hunting seasons know that this is not a new fantasy.

I just talked to Mr. Moon. He is safely up in Georgia. I have talked to Lily and the boys are safely back from their trip to St. Augustine which they took with their other grandmother today. I have talked to Jessie tonight about everything from cooking pecan-encrusted grouper to acupuncture. I talked to Hank this morning when the Veteran's Day parade was being staged in front of his apartment in downtown Tallahassee and he described what was going on.
"Oh Lord. There's a guy wearing a Civil War hat. He's got a beard and he's old but I'm pretty sure he didn't fight in the Civil War."
I have not talked to May and I miss her but today is her first day off in a week and I do not wish to disturb her as I know she's exhausted. I have a potato and chicken in the oven.

I will probably not be flying to Mexico. Maybe I will keep writing.

I will most definitely keep loving the man who has the need to hunt the deer and I will also see my grandsons this week although Lily just called me to say that Owen has a temperature and since his father has a viral infection of some sort, he obviously has caught it and who knows which of us will catch it next? My sweet little man. I hate that he is sick.

Life just keeps throwing you curve balls.

Keep ducking.

Much love...Ms. Moon


  1. How is Elvis? I could swear they quit laying when you took their picture down from your main page.And I have known a few men that are fickle that way.


  2. Well, a 6-ft rooster seems in order. Think of how surprised Owen will be when he's well enough to come over....not to mention Mr. Moon--whenever he returns. Yup. 6 ft. rooster.

  3. Life sure does throw you curve balls... I hope little Owen and Jason feel better soon and that whatever it is does not spread to the rest of the family, including you. I love your kind, generous words about Mr Moon. If I were your child (not just adopted ya know), I would cherish those words. I hope you do go out and do all te things you want to do. They sound fun and good for the soul! Sweet Jo

  4. I hope your boy mends quickly and that the virus doesn't travel any further and that your Man Moon comes back to you soon. You know the coming home after the going is always so sweet. Meanwhile go on and have yourself a good ole time, even if it isn't in Mexico.

  5. There are bennies to living alone for a little bit:
    1. Cheese and crackers for dinner if you feel like it.
    2. Listening to podcasts or the radio in the middle of the night without disturbing anyone
    3. Cheese and crackers for breakfast if you feel like it.
    4. Morning naps without judgement.

    Enjoy what you can!

  6. Writing definitely helps everything. It's the best at helping me put things in proper perspective. What you said about Mr. Moon is so lovely, but I also know the feeling of yawning time and trying to figure out how to fill it when I don't actually feel motivated to do much of anything except BE.

    But. COULD you fly to Mexico? Maybe with one of your girls? Is that even a possibility? I think you need a little Mexico in your life, a little blue ocean and salty sea breeze. Of course, packing and getting on a plane might be just too much to contemplate...Pity we can't yet teleport.

    In any case, enjoy the crackers and cheese for breakfast and lying still before a jury of thousands and being aimless and writing. Love.

  7. I think you might be alright. Even loneliness has it's charms. As the great wheel turns. I think you need to visit your brother in Washington (ahem) and I could come to wherever he is and meet you. No, really. And I'd bring Rebecca. We'd drink martinis and I don't even like martinis.

    XXXXXXX Beth

  8. Google The Bloggess and chicken or rooster. You won't be sorry.

  9. Life does, indeed, throw curve balls. Hopefully this time alone will give you a chance to relax and do some things YOU want to do. (Aside from flying to Mexico, which I wouldn't rule out, if I were you.)

  10. TJ- Do I know you? Anyway, thanks for commenting and you may be right about Elvis although I don't think he controls the egg output but I could be wrong.

    Denise- Might be hard to get that sucker home in the Prius. But I could try.

    Sweet Jo- I feel so bad for Lily right now. If both boys get sick and then SHE gets sick- well, been there, done that, don't want to ever do it again.
    I'll let you know how this day unfolds. Of course.

    Ms. Yo- I swear, I don't even remember how to have a good time anymore. I'll try, though.

    Betsy- You have a very good point. I need to go to the store and buy some cheese. Yes. Thank you.
    Morning naps would be swell but after sleeping a good ten hours at night, might be a real indication of mental illness. Sigh.

    Angella- I doubt any of the girls could even get off work to go to St. George Island which would do. And who would watch my stupid dogs? See? I have an excuse for every sort of inaction.
    I suck.

    Beth Coyote- Ah. My brother up in Sumas. We are just now at the point where we can text without rancor. Not sure how a visit would work out. But it's in the cards for one of these days. I swear. God, it would be lovely to see you and Rebecca. It would be amazing.

    Elizabeth- Okay. I did. And mostly it depressed me because she has like almost four thousand comments on that post. WTF?

    Steve Reed- If I only knew what it is I wanted to do.

  11. I don't know. I wouldn't mind my husband going off for a few days. He never leaves. I have on occasion told him that I love him and I didn't care what he did or where he went but would he just go away for the day so I could have the house to myself. He gets the house to himself on a regular basis as I work at the antique store on Saturdays or will go in town to spend the night if I have work to do and he doesn't.

  12. I am quite taken by the image of you taking to your bed, in the Victorian matter, and texting your friend that you have done so. I like being alone as well, but when Noah's gone I realize that he acts as sort of a buffer between me and the real world, and without that buffer I feel slightly vulnerable. I hope you are well.

  13. Ellen Abbott- Oh, I do love time to myself. Trust me. I just hadn't had time to prepare myself yesterday. It was a shock to my system!

    Ms. Vesuvius- I am a fucking drama queen and I admit it. And yes, those men can be buffers. I completely agree and it worries me to death that without Mr. Moon I would become completely unhinged and fly off the planet in tiny pieces.

  14. I understand how Mr. Moon wants to keep his time in the forest open ended. He probably feels about the same as I do on the boat, although I do tell C. when I am coming back. I have thought about flying to Mexico too. But not until next year. Maybe Cozumel is in my future too.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.