Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Words To Fucking Live By (Or Not)

I give up. I just give the fuck up.
That nap I had yesterday? The most heavenly nap of my life? One of the nicest experiences of my life?
It came back and bit me in the ass and I couldn't fall asleep last night and this morning I hurt everywhere as if I'd spent all day working in the yard yesterday and I ache and I just feel terrible and okay, it's one thing to maybe drink too much and feel like shit the next day but to have a nap and feel like shit the next day?

So I give up.

Well of course I can't give up. What would that even mean?
Would it mean that I lay in bed all day and watch reruns of "The Golden Girls"? I hated "The Golden Girls". So sue me.
Would it mean that I put on that white slip and rat my hair and sit on the porch and drink gin all day and yell at people walking by the house? That actually sounds okay.
Would it mean that I give my husband a can of tuna and a can opener and tell him, "Here's your dinner?" (That was a real fantasy of mine when I was younger and there were six of us at the table every night and everyone involved had different dietary needs. That I would just put a can of tuna and a can opener at everyone's place and announce, "Dinner's ready!")
Would it mean I never take another walk? Never get involved in another play? Let the potatoes rot in the ground? Let the laundry pile up to the sky? Let the roaches take over the kitchen?

Okay. So while I was waiting at the dermatologist's office yesterday I read an article in the New Yorker by Susan Orlean about treadmill desks. Have you heard of these? The idea is that sitting for prolonged periods of time is like the worst thing you can do for your health. Forget gluten and simple carbs and oh, you know, heroin...NO! It's sitting. For prolonged periods of time. Doesn't matter how much time you spend working out or running or whatever. Nah. That eight hours at the desk is going to kill your ass. So now you can buy a treadmill desk and while you go about your daily desk-business you can also walk constantly at a low rate of speed.


Oh yeah. Just give me one more fucking thing to feel guilty about. I AM NOT WALKING CONSTANTLY ON A TREADMILL WHILE WRITING OR READING.

Fuck. Jesus.

I'm a little leery of this theory. Wouldn't this mean that servers and nurses would live forever?

When you get to be my age, you've seen so many theories come and go. You've seen so many studies indicating this and that and then go on to be disproven. Eat wheat germ. No. Wheat germ will kill you. Coffee is evil. No, coffee is like a miracle substance. Fat makes you fat. No, CARBS make you fat.
Do the fucking crossword to preserve your brain. Eat blueberries. Be in relationships. Laugh a lot. Meditate. Do yoga. Balance your fucking chakras. Drink green tea. (I hate green tea.) Dance like no one's watching. Get rid of toxic relationships. Stay involved. Volunteer. Take time for yourself to nourish your soul. Keep a positive fucking attitude! Remember your dreams! There is no failure in failure! There is only failure in not trying! Keep a gratitude journal. Check for bedbugs. Just say no. Just do it! Say YES to life! Wear sunscreen, bug spray and remember- moderation in all things. Live hard, die young, leave a beautiful corpse. Be Keith Richards and live hard, live long, and get really old and wrinkled and beautiful and keep playing guitar.

Whatthefuckever.

Whatever works for you.

Here's a magnolia. Magnolias work for me.



I need a nap.

Yours truly...Ms. Moon












14 comments:

  1. From my seated position at my desk, I salute you.

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  2. Ditto, from my desk chair, where I do not walk slowly. And I feel guilty about everything on earth.

    I feel like everytime I turn around, there's something else out to get us or out to save us. It's enough to make me want to just give up too. My version of giving up was fixing a balanced dinner for myself last night that involved garlic bread and chicken, and deciding to not feel guilty about giving up neither meat nor bread nor macaroni. The end.

    PS...you hated the Golden Girls?! Now THAT is sacrilege. Not liking the golden girls will give you cancer, and make you fat.

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  3. Basically, health advice is best explained as:
    Move a bit
    Eat a bit
    Drink a bit
    Laugh a bit
    Yell a bit
    Sleep a bit
    and Crap a lot

    Everything in moderation, including moderation.

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  4. your magnificent magnolia works for me ms moon.

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  5. My ass is already dead from this wheelchair, but at least I am still on the right side of the grass! You making me chuckle works well.

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  6. You so crack me up. I love your version of giving up except for not taking care of the roaches in the kitchen. I love Magnum's comment. And your well placed cussing is icing on the cake of this post. Insomnia does suck.. Sweet Jo

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  7. You nailed it. All that positive thinking crap? Yes, crap. I feel like gagging sometimes. Or a bit like having to swallow thick cotton wool. I swear that most if not all of the people who turn out that stuff have any related issues at all in their real life. In fact, they haven't a clue.
    I am getting too angry, must look ar your lovely magnolia again.

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  8. 1. I love Magnum's comment
    2. Green tea is gross (*in my opinion*) except for the Starbucks stuff that has mint and lemongrass in it. I don't drink anything but water these days (not sure how that happened) but I still think about that tea sometimes.

    Why don't I drink it anymore? It stains my teeth. You'd think someone that vain wouldn't walk around with frizzy hair.

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  9. This is my life. I sit and sit and sit. UGH. Like it's not enough that I can't be writing all day every day, now I have to feel extra guilty for having a day job that's going to KILL me. AHHHH!

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  10. Elizabeth- Oh come on girl. Just go buy one of those treadmill desks. With your disposable income. And then use it with your extra energy!

    SJ- I can't help it. I don't like snarky old women. Oh wait. Fuck. I'm a snarky old woman.

    Magnum- Have you done a study on this?

    reeflighting- Isn't it a glory?

    Angella- And visiting YOU works for me.

    e- Thanks, honey.

    Sweet Jo- Tonight. I will FUCKING sleep.

    Sabine- Amen. I hear you. I know what you're talking about.

    Stephanie- I love frizzy hair! And yeah, if green tea is mixed with mint, it is not so bad.

    Rachel- Something has to. As far as I know, the mortality rate is still 100%.

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  11. LOL on your list of things that are bad. I would like that treadmill thing. But then I think about that video of the guy being thrown off the tread mill with his parts slamming into the upright part and then his head being slammed into the wall. It was truly hysterical.
    http://youtu.be/0ZKzGqquDNA

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  12. LOL -- hilarious. Magnolias work for me, too. They're the best solution to almost any problem, really.

    The idea that you have to walk ALL THE TIME is just ridiculous. People have lost their minds.

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  13. I'm 48 posts behind, forgive my lack of comments. I love you for this post! Just one more damn thing to be afraid of.

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