Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Head Fuckedupedness

The anxiety has come again and it's tough. It's so tough. I hate the way it makes me feel, removing me from the immediacy of experience as I crawl inside my own head.
It feels as if I am carrying a very ugly ill gray creature in my belly. That. Is how it feels.
It is way too illogical and too formless to capture and release. It erases joy and anticipation. It is dread and it is constant heart-cramp. It is a soul-eater and brain-deceiver and I want it to go away.

I know it will.

I am just always so afraid after that summer those years ago when it came and stayed and stayed and stayed until I went quite mad and finally had to ask for help that it will do it again. But even then, eventually, it did go away. Mostly. It would seem to me that once anxiety has descended into your bones it is always there, or traces of it, ready to rage back with vigor and vengeance at any god-dammed time it desires. And it makes the living of life so difficult for those it has chosen to take residence in.

But we go on. We go on because there is no other choice and we wait until any particular period of exacerbation passes which we must have faith it will.


  1. hang on Ms Moon,you're right about it passing. It's just such a motherfucker while it's here.
    Indulge in whims and stand still in the garden. Naked.
    Have you seen that movie Off The Map?
    The standing naked in the garden image made me think of it. A beautiful movie.

  2. Yep. Anxiety sucks the big one. It's toxic, it's sickening.. it's everything you say here. Anxiety visited me in 2005, and stayed all summer. One day was an overstay of its welcome, but i had a breakdown. There. I said it. I had 3 emergency room visits, because i was determined to find out what was 'really wrong with me.' I didn't want to anti anxiety-anti depressants, but my md had to convince me that i needed them, at least for awhile. I thought i'd been poisoned and i was losing my mind for sure. I was 42 then, and i asked my doctor if i was going crazy. And she said.. no you're too old to go crazy. I wanted to take out my brain and get a new one, because this one was my enemy.

    I hope you are better soon, and please don't hesitate to ask for help. From your loved ones or a professional. I hope you get well quickly and i'll be thinking of you and sending tons of positive thought and energy!

    And you know what??! It's looking more and more like Hilary is going to run in 2016. (I never really thought she wouldn't.) :)

  3. The island followed you home, perhaps, this time.

    The black dog will go away. It will. Probably by morning. Sleep early and well, and no dreaming of houses.

  4. I'm so sorry. I have been there and it is the worst feeling ever. Sometimes it feels so bad it turns into depression. I am glad you can share about it and hope knowing how much we all care about you makes you feel less alone with it. Sweet Jo

  5. Ms. Yo- You are so sweet. No, I haven't seen that movie. I guess I should?

    Mary- Yes! That is exactly what it feels like. As if my brain were my enemy. It makes me feel so weak and stupid.
    I'm glad you recovered. Do you ever feel as if you might have some PTSD from it though? I do.

    SJ- Good advice. You know, I've been thinking recently that I never have my house dreams anymore. Do you remember that I finally dreamed that someone from a museum came and was going to take everything away? And then that was it- done. I sort of miss them on some level. They had some magic in them for sure.
    And ghosts.

    Sweet Jo- They do get entwined, don't they?

  6. They seemed very correlated with your mother. I wonder if that's why they've stopped -that, on so many levels, has simply ceased now.

  7. Anyone who could come up with the brilliant invention of "HeadFuckedupedness" during the extremes of an anxiety attack will never go completely bonkers......for one thing, we wouldn't allow it.

    And if the white coats do come and fetch you, may I claim that word for my own, please?

    Fear not, child, all things pass.

  8. Anxiety sucks. I'm sorry.

    capcha word: "accepted"


  9. Thought you might be interested in this link Mary.


    This is a video featuring Ben Mendelsohn and was released by Beyond Blue, an organisation here in Australia that provides information and support to people with depression. They recently expanded to include resources to help those with anxiety as well.

    I love it.

  10. The fact that you know it will pass shows your well-honed coping skills. I'm sorry you have to go through it, though. :(

  11. I hope that your anxiety will fade away. It's odd how our minds work. My feelings of anxiety aren't strong right now. But how I used to hate the gerbil wheel in my head going round and round.

  12. SJ- You know, those dreams stopped a long time ago. Maybe when I was in Mexico a year and a half ago. I'm still not sure what they meant.

    Lo- You may have the word in any case. I give it to you with love.

    Angella- WHY do we do this? Thank you.

    Gradydoctor- Do you think that women during and after menopause get this more frequently?

    Agnes- Thank you. I will watch it.

    Steve Reed- Me too. Thank you.

    Syd- It's a crazy bitch, that gerbil, isn't it?

  13. Knowing it will pass does not make it any more bearable. But it will pass.

  14. Yes, sometimes i feel i have some PTSD too. And at the back of my mind, i realize the hideous anxiety will make a teturn visit when i least expect it. Probably more than one return visit. Pretty shitty feeling when i get it...

  15. Ellen Abbott- I know. I know.

    Mary- I hate to make light of PTSD but I swear...I think that these horrible and yes, really life-threatening bouts of anxiety can and do produce it. I know that when I had mine, I was quite certain that I could not continue to live like that. Whatever that meant....
    Thank god we both got help.


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