Friday, May 10, 2013

I Am Not Always Pretty

When we'd been on the road for twenty minutes yesterday my left leg was already asleep.
By the time we hit hour eight of the trip I was having a breakdown. Some very calm, rational part of me knew I had no alternative whatsoever but to stay in my seat and finish the drive but I sure as hell did go through the alternatives in my head including those of getting on a plane, walking home, or just staying wherever it was we were for the rest of my life.
None of these seemed like anything I'd want to do so I did what I had to but by god, by the time we got to Nashville I was in a foul, bad mood and I am not going to try and sugar coat it. I just was. You would not want to have been my traveling companion. Neither did Mr. Moon, but like me on our journey, he had no choice.

We were tired, cranky, emotional, and hungry. We made a martini. It did not help. We went to supper at the Cracker Barrel which is right down the road. Where we are staying is Fast Food Central. It is Off-The-Interstate-Motel-World. It is...America.

They seated us next to a table with a couple, a set of grandparents, two daughters and a son. Before they ate they bowed their heads and the father prayed for a long, long time and I heard something in there about baseball. The best part was the wife, though, who while everyone else had their heads bowed and their eyes closed, picked silently at the salad in front of her, eyes wide open.
Hell yes, I watched.

Everyone in the damn Cracker Barrel was telling everyone else, "God bless you." It was like there's a local cult which believes that the more people you say that to, the more points you get towards your heavenly reward. Like air miles or something. I don't know. And sure as shit, when the table of folks beside us got up to leave they had to stop and discuss Mr. Moon's height and included in the conversation were many mentions of their pastor and his wife and their son and I don't know how many God Bless You's.
I swear. By that point I was ready to smack the shit out of the next person who God-Blessed us OR to return the favor by saying, "And Satan bless you," but of course I did neither of those things.

I don't know why I get so offended by the casual, cheerful assurance of so many Christian folk who assume with such great good smiles that everyone wants to be blessed by their god. It just seems so sloppy and soppy to me. It makes my skin crawl. It makes my head explode. Mr. Moon is able to graciously smile and nod and let it roll off his back but not me. We all know he's a better human being than I am and this is only further proof.
I think part of the whole issue for me is that if I said what I wanted to say to them, they'd probably call the police or at the very least, try earnestly to save my so obviously god-damned soul.
The playing field is not level, my friends.

Well, anyway, here we are and here we'll be for the next few days. Mr. Moon's sister is stuck in Houston, grounded by a storm and it's raining a bit here, too. We had a cozy breakfast at the Waffle House where blessedly, no one God-Blessed us and I am not sure what we're going to be doing for the rest of the day. I am very grateful not to be in the Houston airport, though. I can tell you that.
Maybe we'll go to the Parthenon. Yes. There is a Parthenon in Nashville. It is a full-sized replica of the one in Greece. It's actually incredibly impressive and there is a fantastic statue of Diana which is 47-feet tall.
That is one hell of a goddess, y'all!


I think that the next person who God-Blesses me is going to get, "And may Athena and Mars bless you!" back. That's better than Satan, right? More polite? More locally correct?
Sure!

And so it goes.

Greetings and love from Nashville, Tennessee, y'all, where everyone is friendly, they pray a lot, and yes indeed, there is country music being played everywhere.

Ms. Moon


27 comments:

  1. Well god bless that cult temple and its false goddess.

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  2. I feel for you. And you did so very well. I think I would end up being burned on the stakes in a place like that.

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  3. I hate being told that and I hate even being told BLESS YOU and I think it's awesome that the homeless guys up and down Aurora hold signs that read GOD BLESS YOU and then the ubiquitous smiley face because it's pretty clear that God hasn't done a damn thing for them but at least they know what sells.

    "And Satan bless you,"

    I would have you know. But only because I'm manic and more than slightly ragey at present.
    love,
    Rebecca

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  4. Nashville is one of the most fascinating, diverse, intellectual spots on earth. Ninety percent of us wouldn't walk across the street to see a country concert...though Keith Richards idolized George Jones. Two days is not long enough to learn the truth. Step away from the Waffle Houses and Cracker Barrels that. Cater to tourists- the God comments that so deeply offended you probably came from a Kansas tourist (as long as we're stereotyping). Go to BB King's. Or Big Bang. Even tho it sounds like nothing will please you at this point. In all honesty, Florida makes my skin crawl. It's all a state of mind...you would've probably had a mental breakdown in Lloyd today, too. Sorry for your grief.

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  5. mary,
    I read your blog all the time. I keep coming back cause you write so it seems like im right there. your honesty is pretty awesome! I am a christain who probably gets on others nerves, I don't mean to- but really im not sorry!im about your age and so can relate to a lot of things you go through. somedays I think im brave just cause I get out of bed! you got plenty of people in your life who love you so you must be doin something right! just keep bein you.
    god bless you lady!

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  6. Magnum- Ha! And yes!

    Sabine- I'm trying to keep a low profile. To avoid being burned at the stake. Or having my soul saved.

    Madame King- So lovely to see you here, honey. I would love to have seen you tell those folks that. LOVED IT!

    Anonymous 1- Seriously, you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not even staying IN Nashville, but down the road where the wedding is which we're attending. And by the time we got in last night we weren't going anywhere that required more than a half mile drive. AND, I damn well know that Nashville is incredibly complex and has an amazing variety of people, places and things. I've been here before. And no, nothing would have pleased me last night because I'd been in pain for ten hours. Please. If Florida makes your skin crawl, stay out of it. And I have no idea what grief you're talking about. We're here for a wedding, not a funeral.
    But hey! Thanks for stopping by.

    Anonymous 2- Really? I spend half a post talking about how much I can't stand having someone say, "God bless you" and then you say, "God bless you?" Was that supposed to be humorous? Am I missing something here? And yes, I believe I will keep on "bein" me because there's no one else I could possibly be.

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  7. I dislike the "I'll pray for you." comments I get. I am having health issues and people are "praying for me".

    Seriously?

    I don't want your prayers, if you can't do something concrete for me just say, "I'm sorry to hear that" and get on with your life.

    I won't judge you... promise.

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  8. I share those same sentiments about being blessed. I am always tempted to ask," Did I sneeze?"
    Maybe dining in a somewhat sleezy bar is the answer. Those pickled eggs are good, ya know.

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  9. I lived in Nashville for six years and never felt comfortable there despite it being an intellectual powerhouse with some kick-ass musicians. Too many churches -- at least there were back in the eighties. Christians in general don't bother me unless they're born again ones or super conservative. The good, earnest Christian folk always make my skin crawl. So do Anonymous commenters.

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  10. That anonymous comment was not from me! I hope you don't mind my anonymous state as the only times I haven't signed my name have not been intentional. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I find it odd that those anonymous posters above have obviously so little to do that they find the time to write on your blog telling you how to think or be. While I believe in something bigger than me and I find some blessings sincere in simply being of kind intent, I don't really like to hear a lot of God talk, especially directed at me. I have been quite surprised when I've visited the South and heard so much of this talk as it is something that is really very foreign to me. I'm sorry you had to contend with those commenters but I love that you gave them your feedback. I think I rambled. Sweet Jo

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  11. haha, so glad to see you have some temper and some teeth and that you dont fart butterflies...love you just like that! really , why are some so damn pushy?! i bless your cranky hahas,and enjoyed the cranky vent, and hope a good night happens and that it will ease the discomforts of the roadit's green and leafing here in vermont and i will go to bed and rcover from too many men installing stuff at my house...

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  12. I rather doubt they'd be falling over themselves to have their god bless me. Which is only the tip of the problem I have with all that fake-cheery proselytizing. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I adore you.

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  13. Enjoy your time in Nashville Ms. Moon. Hope you and Mr. Moon have a grand time despite the peppering of God Bless Yous from the locals. And a random fact about me regarding Nashville: I was accepted to Watkins College of Art, Design & Film there to study screenwriting but decided to stay in Idaho so I could fall in love with Mrs. Shife. It turned out OK . =)

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  14. another anonymousMay 11, 2013 at 1:04 AM

    The statue is Hera, not Diana.

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  15. Hot damn! Athena.

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  16. I have never been to Nashville, but somehow that's exactly what I expected it to be like. (Except for the Parthenon thing. THAT is a surprise.)

    I never understood conspicuous Christianity. I remember growing up I was often surrounded by people who made a big show of asking for God's blessings upon me, and it mystified me then, too. I mean, we went to church, but we didn't go to THAT kind of church. (And we never said grace, for the record. Except on Thanksgiving.)

    You crack me up, Mary Moon. I so enjoy stopping by here every day.

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  17. oh my.....who needs Athens when you've got Nashville?? Hope you and all the gods have fun at the wedding!!x

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  18. I don't care for all the god blessing either. that god they keep blessing me with is one mean dude. everything's a sin and if you let one toe slip you're going to hell. so much for being blessed. when we travel by car, which isn't often, who can afford to travel these days, we always go off the highway into the little towns for food and rooms. we like to look for the mom and pop places. and a 47' tall statue of a pagan goddess in the middle of go bless land? I'm surprised it hasn't been attacked by an angry mob of indignant christians.

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  19. And I forgot to mention Happy Mother's Day to you so Happy Mother's Day. I am early but I will probably forget unless I do it now.

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  20. from anonymous 2
    just want to apologize to you.
    I wasn't trying to be funny or a smart ass.
    I should have just wrote, I think you are an excellent writer and I enjoy reading your blog.
    my apologies.

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  21. I loved this post. I like how you can be so angry and pissy and I just love you more for it. I feel the same way about the damn, "god bless you" stuff. I'm glad the mom ate her salad while that praying was going on.

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  22. thornblossom- I'm with you completely on that. Really, save your prayers for someone who would appreciate them.

    Denise- That's great! "Did I sneeze?" Ha.

    Elizabeth- There are still one hell of a lot of churches here. I mean, I've never seen so many churches in one place. And some of them are quite beautiful. But yeah, there are a lot of churches. Without a doubt.

    Sweet Jo- Never you. You always sign your name. It's part of the Christian culture in the south, I think, for many people to feel that they are doing their duty by speaking out about their faith. It's a big thing. And can be incredibly annoying. Or in some cases, it's just that the church is the biggest part of some people's lives and so they talk about it a lot. Whatever. It's a true thing.

    Rubye Jack- I am so sorry. Jeez.

    Big Mamabird- The day I fart a butterfly is the day pigs are flying out my butt. You cracked me up. Thanks.

    Angella- You know, honestly, these people probably would have been all about the bless-you to you. Nashville seems (on the surface, at least), to be incredibly comfortably diverse in ways that many southern cities are not. But who knows? And I can tell you this- most of the churches are certainly segregated. This is a harsh truth all over the country, I believe.

    Mr. Shife- That is interesting. Life is just bizarre, isn't it? But yes, I think things have worked out okay for you and your bride and your babies. But there is always, no matter what, the niggling "what if". Not regret, just curiosity.

    Anonymous- Goddesses confuse me. Also, obviously I don't really know shit about Nashville but I do want to come back and really be a tourist and see the cool stuff downtown and enjoy some of what it offers. And I will.

    Steve Reed- And I'm so glad you DO! They built that Parthenon back in the nineteenth century for a Centennial Celebration. I think. It's really very awesome.

    Young at heart- It was a fine wedding. I don't know how many gods were involved. It seemed pretty well directed towards just one.

    Ellen Abbott- I think Nashvillians are proud of their Parthenon. They should be. We try to get off the main roads too. And always try to eat at local places if at all possible and usually it is.

    Anonymous 2- It's okay. I just don't get that whole idea that it's really, really, REALLY okay to annoy people with YOUR faith issues because...why? Your god is the right one? I don't know. Maybe you could explain it to me. But thanks for the nice things you said and I do appreciate that.

    Mr. Shife- That means a lot to me. It really does.

    Betsy- I have a mean, mean tongue and sometimes my heart is black. That mom eating her salad made my day.

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  23. I just love the way you tell it. There are things I love about this place but I do think this religion nonsense goes hand-in-hand with gender inequality and it's rubbing me a bit raw. Here I am, tempted to say 'goddamnit', like a counter-curse.

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  24. I'm catching up.

    My neighbor calls Cracker Barrel the Honkie Bucket. Hell, maybe lots of people call it that, I don't know. But it cracks me up.

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  25. I don't like Cracker Barrel. All of the pictures of dead people on the walls. It just seems sad to me that they were someone's close relative, scarfed up by a buyer for Cracker Barrel. It just reeks of fake country store for me.

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  26. I've never been to a Cracker Barrel, nor have I been witness to as many god bless yous. Hm. I recently went to church in a school gym and now I refer to it as gym-church. I'm a lapsed Catholic and aren't those the best kind? I'd rather worship at the altar of John Lennon, quite frankly, but to each his/her own.

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