Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Do They Still Make Geritol?

The wireless came back on and I hear that people in twenty-one states lost internet today via Century Link and who knows what was going on? Not me.
I managed to live through it and I guess we all did. We're all so vulnerable, though.

I'm tired. I am really, really tired. I don't think we've had much of a break yet in 2013. I mean, some really beautiful things have happened but some very difficult ones have happened as well and none of it has been what you would call restful. And I didn't sleep last night because of issues with this fucked-up wrist and then the boys were here and I was not the sweetest MerMer today. There were moments of true sweetness and joy but I was just too tired to have much patience for any foolishness and that's not who Owen knows as his grandmother.

Well. Here is Mr. Sweetness And Joy himself.

And the two of them, displaying Owen's rock collection which also contains a few choice bricks. And he called me "Sweetheart" today. And "Baby." And "Girl."

Oh my baby boys. 

The dogs got out and came back around to the kitchen and barked to be let in and one of them has been puking all day long, ominous brown puddles of ick to clean up and one of them got into a peed-in disposable diaper and tore it up in my bathroom and there's a plague of gnats in the house and my phone won't keep a charge and well...it's just been a day.

I've got soup in the making and it's such an odd combination of ingredients (collard greens, snow peas, venison, white beans, sweet potato?) and I...oh, I don't know. 

It's just one of those days when exhaustion has turned into a sort of existential angst causing me to feel inadequate in every possible way in every one of my roles from wife to mother to grandmother to cook to laundress to housewife in general, and in my writing, as well, which is suffering badly.

It's one of those days when all good things seem like a dream, when life seems like the constant pushing of a impossibly heavy boulder uphill and every muscle in my body is sore and weary.
And my hair needs washing and my legs need shaving and I'm fat and I ate every wrong food today and none of the right ones. 
I just feel like a failure in every way although I sent the children home relatively clean (they took a recreational bath today while I sat on a small chair and read and tried to ignore the wildness going on a foot away from me) and I also sent them home alive and I suppose that's the main thing. 

And on Thursday we're getting in the car and driving nine hours up to Nashville for another wedding. It will, at least, be a break from home and hearth and someone else will be doing the cooking and the washing up and the cleaning. This, I suppose, is good. I will wash my hair and shave my legs and put on make-up and wear presentable clothing and I will not be responsible for anything at all. 

Which, if I can't escape to Mexico, will do. For now, it will do. And perhaps I shall remember who Mary is which will help a great deal in all areas of my life. 
Or not. 
At this point I feel as if perhaps I have crossed some indefinable border into chaos and aging and they have put up razor wire and set the Rotweilers out to guard that border against my return but we shall see. 
We will just have to see.


  1. I'll kill the Rotweilers for you. With my bow and arrow that was sharpened in today's school meeting.

  2. Elizabeth- You are such a comfort to me.

  3. Wait. When did he turn blonde?! Overnight?

  4. And a Good Night to the tired Mermer... SO she can shine again!

  5. SJ- Just the sun, I think. No change.

    Bit Mamabird-I've forgotten how to shine. I swear.

  6. If they do still make Geritol, I'll bring some over, with vodka and two sippy cups.
    hang on.

  7. they still make it. i use it to chase my vicodin. together they bring out the sun again on those dark days. wish i could share it with you. jim

  8. I love that Owen seems to have overcome his camera shyness with baby Buddha in the background.


  9. Geritol! Ha! I haven't thought of that in years.

    No change is permanent, Ms Moon. Tomorrow you'll feel differently, don't you think?

    Thank goodness you don't have to take a managerial role in this wedding! It will be nice to be a mere spectator. :)

  10. I am mesmerized by Owen's beauty, with that dimple in his chin and his silky hair, and with the absolute adorableness and happiness of Gibson. I do understand how it is to be fully present for them or anything when you are bone tired and achy. Luckily we have a variety of states and days and they all come together to make one full life. I hope as I write this you are sleeping soundly and feel renewed tomorrow. Sweet Jo

  11. I've been thinking of you a lot this week, my body playing tricks on me, my low back in day 3 of painful spasms that keep me from bending over, getting up or sitting down without whimpering. A week ago I was working like my old self in the yard, gardening, happy as a lark. Today I am tired, old and defeated at every turn. It's not fair, this game of what next. I hope our parts stop hurting and we get a reprieve and a good night's sleep and a little less chaos. I would like to remember who I am too, just for a little while.

    Those boys are adorable. Thank goodness for that.

  12. "recreational bath"

    I didn't know I needed this phrase until you wrote it.

  13. I get the feeling. Am smarting from the election results here yesterday. Can we get any more idiotic than we already are? Yes, I think so and that is just plain sad.

    I like those whirlpool baths with my wife. They are recreational.

  14. Ms. Yo- I've been wondering what Geratol would taste like, cut with vodka. Thanks!

    Jim- Honey, I like the way your mind works. I do.

    Jaime- He actually posed for a few pictures yesterday. One never knows what that boy will be in the mood for.

    Steve Reed- Remember, "My wife. I think I'll keep her." Haha! Yes. I am in SUCH a good mood today. I swear. Maybe I"m just nuts.

    Sweet Jo- You're right. We don't have to be perfect every day or even any day. It all adds up together to make the whole. Thank goodness!

    Mel- I almost bought a new lipstick today! But I didn't. I did buy dental floss. The point being, today is a very good day. But Lord, the bad days are so bad. The pain really can interfere with so much, can't it? Do we ever get used to this?

    Mr. Downtown- No soap is used in recreational baths but there sure is a lot of stuff flying around the bathroom.

    Syd- You bad man. You bad, bad man. Not really. I hear what you're saying about that election. That's like as bad or worse than Florida. I can't even believe that shit.

  15. Alive is good. Gibson looks like he's saying 'HAR!!' in a big cartoon bubble in this photo.

  16. Recreational bath! I'm stealing that term. And then maybe I'll go have one myself.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.