Thursday, July 29, 2010
Helen, Georgia
So we started out this morning in Albany, Georgia and it was just fine as I said and we walked across the street to the Ray Charles Plaza and I took some pictures and we danced, Mr. Moon and I at eleven o'clock in the hot sunlit morning to Ray singing through time and space and weather-proofed speakers. It was great.
Then we made the mistake of conjuring a destination. We would go to Helen, GA.
Let me just say this about that:
No.
It was a lovely drive here, mostly up Highway 19 through the country-est of country, cows and old buildings and tiny towns with Dollar Stores and Mexican Grocery Stores and Hardees and all of that crap which America is made of these days and a few things that still make it interesting. We had to get in the Atlanta by-pass shit which was stressful and anxiety-producing and then we got back into the country and everything was fine and we got to Helen, Georgia and why, why, WHY?
Okay. I have heard they have nice cabins to stay in and that there was a river and it was in the foothills of the mountains and all of that sounded great and I had also heard that they had a sort of Bavarian theme going on here and well, I guess I sort of chose to ignore that fact but let me tell you- don't ignore that fact. It's true.
Fake Bavarian theme. Yes. It's the Little Olde Bavarian Village here, folks and honestly, it is the most random place I have ever been in my entire life and that includes Disney World. Gift shops selling crap that no one in their right mind would want and restaurants serving crap that no one in their right mind should eat.
The place right next to where we're staying serves a pork LEG (really? yes) with sauerkraut and potato salad for $29.95. Sadly for us, by the time we walked there the restaurant was closed so I didn't get the chance NOT TO ORDER THE PORK LEG.
I don't even want to talk about what we did eat at the Olde Troll House or whatever the name of the place we ate was except to say as I did to the waitress when she asked how everything was, "Well. It's food."
She nodded sadly and said, "I know."
So. The place we're staying in is a motel called Hofbrauhaus Riverfront Hotel. Here is the view from the terrace in back of the room:
Not bad, right, with the flowing creek and the rocks and the trees? Not bad at all. In fact, nice enough for me not to pay that much attention to the room itself which, it turns out, has orange walls.
Orange. Walls.
The bathroom is sort of funky and fun and the toilet was Sanitized For Your Protection.
Proof:
But when I opened the drawer in the bedside table, this is what I found:
There is so much to love about this picture that I don't know where to begin. Torn open condom packet on top of the Holy Bible.
Check.
Size of the condom? Extra Large.
Check.
And so forth.
This is the picture we shall show the manager tomorrow when we tell her that we'll NOT be staying another night, thank-you and please, give us that portion of our money back.
I know. It's shameful that we're even staying one night but hell, it was already nine o'clock at night when we checked in and the restaurants were all closing and we were tired and hungry.
And there is that view out the back.
I don't know. Some things are just not right.
Take a beautiful little town in North Georgia in the beginnings of the mountains with a gorgeous little river flowing through it and turn the entire place into a faux-German village and they will come. Because yes, they do. The town is packed with tourists.
I gotta get out of here.
Honestly, on a scale of one to ten of horrible things that can happen, this isn't even a one. It's just mildly amusing and slightly scary and terrifically weird.
But that doesn't mean we have to stay here.
Oh no, it does not.
I think we shall eat our breakfast tomorrow at Ye Olde German Huddle House. Unless we want to go to the nice German bakery down the road where I feel certain we could get a good apple strudel or a schnitzel or a pork leg.
And then, if I have my way, we are OUT OF HERE! To where, I do not know and frankly, don't really care.
Just...god. Not Helen, Georgia.
Poor Helen. Whoever she was, I imagine she's rolling in her grave. Unless she really loved sauerkraut and very ugly glass figurines and Christmas stores open in July with plastic Santas out front.
Night-night, y'all. Or should I say, Gute Nacht?
Or, perhaps, more to the point: GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Love...Ms. Moon
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! Oh Ms. MOON!
ReplyDeletePart of me wishes you would've taken a few NON-suggestions but the other part thinks this is SO funny!!! To think of you in Helen. Oh goodness me.
Admit it. You planted the condom wrapper, didn't you? Ooohhh la la. Regardless, someone's been playing Hide The Wienerschnitzel.
Head up towards the Chattooga River. It is beautifully wild country. Remember Deliverance (squeal like a pig because your pig leg was cut off)--well, it was filmed there. Anyway, here is a link:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.chattooga-river.net/lodging.html
my darling mrs. moon,
ReplyDeleteperhaps dorthy was right..there really is "no place like home". especially if you are in a faux-german village, surrounded by christmas stores in july.
sorry to have missed wishing all your dreams to come true, on your birthday. maybe you just needed me to sneak out of bed and wish you better digs.
thanks for my love note, it was perfect, every word.
xoxoxoxox,
rebecca
Well, thank you. I get to take Helen off of my list of places to go before I die.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, ye olde German Huddle House. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAt least the Bible comment was just made with the packet, not the condom :)
Can't wait to see what's next!
Oh Ms Moon-
ReplyDeleteIf I could spend a night in Helen and laugh half as much as I just did, it would be worth it. Pork leg and all.
Thanks for helping me start the day off right.
xoxoxo
Sounds like it should be spelled Hellen, GA
ReplyDeleteWV: poofurdi
Go figure.
Lovely post that made me giggle and gasp over my first coffee of the morning.
ReplyDeleteThings can only get better!
I am trying to decide what's funnier to me right now. Would it be the "sanitized" toilet, or the *surprise* empty condom wrapper on a bible in the drawer? Or, just that you photographed them? :) It's cracking me up!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I LOVE Ray Charles!
My family stayed at one of those cabins on a family trip many years ago, and we've still got some pretty fond memories of it. Of course, a lot can change in 17 years, and it may not be as nice anymore.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. Hahaha! That picture...almost makes it worth it, no? I'm curious about where you'll end up next. It's fun to follow along.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warning about that place! I can't believe they sanitized the toilet, but left the torn condom packet. I'm just glad you didn't find the used condom too! I hope the rest of your trip turns out better.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin was probably singing karaoke somewhere there last night.
ReplyDeleteGerman anything drives me fucking nuts, except for cabbage rolls. I love cabbage rolls.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the report from the road. You guys travel safe.
Love,
SB
gosh, yikes, but you do make it hilarious.
ReplyDeletehope you find someplace better and more real.
Nein!
ReplyDeleteOh my, this is a funny post. I'm glad that you're taking us on your adventure with you... condom wrappers and all.
ReplyDeleteFor a quick home report...
The chickens are out roaming the yard now and, I'm sorry to report, the dogs are all happy and alive, as well as Luna. The cake and pizza is slowly all being eaten (along with a couple of your Yuenglings being drunk, sorry) and I am a happy girl.
I hope you and Daddy continue to have a fun time! Sure do love you.
I remember going to Helen, GA when I was a kid -- there were some pretty waterfalls and the Bavarian village was so exciting to us. It's scary that it's still there. In CA, outside of Santa Barbara there is a similar "Bavarian" village whose name I can't recall -- filled with tourists. America is weird -- totally weird.
ReplyDeleteDahlonega is nice. They have a great used book store and you can buy white power trinkets at the indoor flea market and other racist paraphenalia. All that plus local wine and a kangaroo sanctuary.
ReplyDeleteAnd you think that's OK. Your sick
DeleteAnd you think that's OK. Your sick
Deleteohh i wanan join u at the old german huddle house..i mean..we dont have a old german huddle house here,...not even a young german one..or just a german huddle house..none!! sand i m in freaking germany..though
ReplyDeletebut i hav eto confess i like the picture of the condompack an dthe bible..isnt that another sign of love?
Belated Happy Birthday Mama Moon.
ReplyDeleteThe Bible & a condom, aside from being a great name for a band, is more than mildly amusing.
The condom package on the Holy Bible in a hotel room that had the potty sanitized made me laugh uncontrollably!
ReplyDeleteI almost spit my ice tea all over my screen!! OH MY GOD this is funny!
ReplyDeleteDid you have to pay extra for the waterfront view?
You know, this is going to be one of those quirky things that you'll giggle about for years. Oh, and I love "terrifyingly weird".
I hope you found some good coffee and a schnitzl... xoxo
("fauck" is the veri-word for this post! can you believe that?)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ms. Moon! We are lucky that you are sharing your trip with us. Obviously you started many people's day out with a snort or two, mine included, though it is afternoon.
Stay cool!
That is too funny! Fake Bavarian - too silly for words. And that picture is PRICELESS!
ReplyDeleteWhat's not to love about this place? Especially once you're not there anymore...
ReplyDeleteOh my word, that picture is the best one I've seen in weeks. Frackin' hilarious, Ms. Moon. What did the manager say when you showed them?
ReplyDeleteHilarious and bizarre! I might go there someday just to wallow in the strangeness of it all. Probably won't eat a pork leg, though.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, I think the town name you're trying to remember is Solvang. My dad brought me a postcard from there when I was a kid!
What's wrong with pork legs?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous- Not one darn thing in this world wrong with pork legs. It just seems like a very large single-serving.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous- That was sarcasm. Trust me.
ReplyDelete