Last night I cried and cried and although that is so not fair to my husband, sometimes it must be done and today I feel subdued but better. I just cleaned out my baking pans cabinet and tidied it up. It had gotten to that point where if you pulled out a cookie sheet, the whole mess fell at or on your feet and why are the tops of feet so very, very sensitive?
I don't know but that won't be happening this week at least. Just as with earbud wires and necklaces, there are specific demons which fuck that shit up while you're not looking. This is all somehow related to the parallel universe which lurks in purses (and sometimes refrigerators) where items disappear and then reappear, sometimes months later.
I also hemmed that dress I pinned yesterday and that turned out to be a quick and easy thing.
I will be meeting up with Jessie and August and Lily and Gibson and Maggie and Owen at Japanica later on. Perhaps Mr. Moon, as well. Owen has early release day today and tomorrow and so we can go to his favorite restaurant. After tomorrow, he will be done with kindergarten and will be moving on to first grade. And Gibson will be in Pre-K next year and I can't wait to see how that goes.
I am not walking today. Walking seems too violent, too hot, too hard.
I feel as if last night's crying has left me with the nervous system of a newborn. I think it would be nice if someone swaddled me tightly and rocked me to sleep. Don't we all wish for that sometimes? I am listening to Amy Tan's The Bonesetter's Daughter, and as in all of her books that I have read, there is a complicated relationship between mother and daughter. It may not be the best thing I could be listening to right now. The mother, throughout her daughter's life tells her, "Maybe I die soon," which is her method of demanding behavior she deems suitable. And is probably a symptom of deep depression.
I am quite aware of this method of mothering, this symptom of depression. It does not make for sane children. The last time I spoke to my mother she told me once again that she just wanted to die.
And then she did.
Mr. Moon and I are going to Apalachicola this weekend for two nights. I am glad of that. We need some time alone. You would think that by our age and in our stage of life and marriage that it is not as necessary for a couple to go away together but, at least in our case, it is important. It is good to let the everyday things go by the wayside for a little while. To recreate that time when all you needed was each other. To remember why and where this love came to be which has led to so much life.
And more love.
I feel emptied, I feel quiet, I feel tender and still and vulnerable.
That's okay. That's good.
The calm after the storm.
And soon time to kiss my babies.