I walked the magical number of seventy minutes this morning or something like that and I took that picture to send to a friend as I walked and I told her that I know how lucky I am to have roads like this on which to walk.
I did not take nor send a picture of a car-flattened rattlesnake on the same road. I wonder if it is the one I saw last year, sunning in a spot not far from where I saw the dead one. It made me sad to see the dead snake. It had meant no harm to any humans, I am sure.
As happens when the depression settles in, my body aches and is tired. Chemicals. All chemicals. I didn't get anything done today. I took trash, I picked beans. I took a nap. I do have a dress hem pinned to sew. The thought of getting out the sewing machine is too daunting. Or the hand stitching of so long a span.
I have eggplant cut and salted and supposedly draining. Does that do anything? I don't fucking know. I am going to make a sort of Parmesan with it. Eggplant Parmesan. I wish I had mozzarella cheese but I do not. So what? Dip those slices in milk and egg, then bread crumbs, bake them until crispy, make a sauce, grate what cheese I have, layer it all in a dish. This I can do, no matter what state my mind is in. My hands know how to do it.
I told my friend today that I KNOW I need to see about changing up my medication but then I think about how the last time I went in to my NP I had that horrible anxiety attack afterward, so scary that I had to park my car and call my husband and what sort of damn illness is it that makes getting help the very source of anxiety?
You know what? Sometimes I feel like I'm just a baby, a weakling, an avoider of work and of commitment, and sometimes I think that I am as strong as anyone on this earth as are all of us who suffer from the invisible illnesses which we call mental and who yet get out of bed and go about the business of life, albeit in a small and often very restrained way which so often seems to us meaningless and less than productive. And then I doubt that with all of my heart and tell myself to "Snap out of it!" goddam it.
And these are the days I look to the trees and these are the days when pictures like this make me feel as if, okay, I am not out in the world doing and providing and creating and making-better but because of me there is this.
Yeah. That's something.
This is truth.