Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Looking Up As Well As Inward

I walked the magical number of seventy minutes this morning or something like that and I took that picture to send to a friend as I walked and I told her that I know how lucky I am to have roads like this on which to walk.
I did not take nor send a picture of a car-flattened rattlesnake on the same road. I wonder if it is the one I saw last year, sunning in a spot not far from where I saw the dead one. It made me sad to see the dead snake. It had meant no harm to any humans, I am sure.

As happens when the depression settles in, my body aches and is tired. Chemicals. All chemicals. I didn't get anything done today. I took trash, I picked beans. I took a nap. I do have a dress hem pinned to sew. The thought of getting out the sewing machine is too daunting. Or the hand stitching of so long a span.

I have eggplant cut and salted and supposedly draining. Does that do anything? I don't fucking know. I am going to make a sort of Parmesan with it. Eggplant Parmesan. I wish I had mozzarella cheese but I do not. So what? Dip those slices in milk and egg, then bread crumbs, bake them until crispy, make a sauce, grate what cheese I have, layer it all in a dish. This I can do, no matter what state my mind is in. My hands know how to do it.

I told my friend today that I KNOW I need to see about changing up my medication but then I think about how the last time I went in to my NP I had that horrible anxiety attack afterward, so scary that I had to park my car and call my husband and what sort of damn illness is it that makes getting help the very source of anxiety?

You know what? Sometimes I feel like I'm just a baby, a weakling, an avoider of work and of commitment, and sometimes I think that I am as strong as anyone on this earth as are all of us who suffer from the invisible illnesses which we call mental and who yet get out of bed and go about the business of life, albeit in a small and often very restrained way which so often seems to us meaningless and less than productive. And then I doubt that with all of my heart and tell myself to "Snap out of it!" goddam it.

And these are the days I look to the trees and these are the days when pictures like this make me feel as if, okay, I am not out in the world doing and providing and creating and making-better but because of me there is this.

The sweetest little girl in the world who loves to hold her mama's face for minutes and minutes at a time and who, when she falls asleep, wants to be holding onto a hand with her own perfect little one.

Yeah. That's something.
Something beautiful.
This is truth.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. The swings in our perception of ourselves amazes me on an almost daily basis, and that way we have of keeping on keeping on in some small way is also amazing! That baby loving her mama is also amazing... Hugs, Carroll

  2. You really should see someone that can help you. It almost sounds like the medication might be doing more harm than good at this point. You might not be on the right med or the right dosage...there are lots of variables...some you can drink alcohol with...some you can not. Just going in to get a re-fill might not be the best solution...find someone you can talk to ...someone who cares and has the knowledge to help.

  3. Forgive me if I am being too bold, but you have mentioned getting bitten by ticks more than once and who knows if that could cause symptoms such as fatigue or even anxiety. I wish you could find an answer through a blood test that could tell you if they have harmed you. We battle ticks all the time here so I am especially mindful of them.

  4. I have been anxious recently also. I however know the reason, two grown men and 3 male dogs. I do get it out of nowhere too. I hope you find the answers you need. Gail

  5. Oh my gosh. That is just about the sweetest picture I've ever seen. I think you are remarkable -- how you walk in your shoes and where you walk and what you share and how you strengthen and warm so many.

  6. Poor snake.

    I am impressed with anyone who can cook eggplant and make it palatable. I'll eat it, but it's probably my least favorite vegetable.

    I don't think it's necessarily bad that you tell yourself occasionally to snap out of it. It's kind of like giving yourself a kick in the pants. We all need them from time to time. Just be understanding with yourself when it doesn't work to your satisfaction! And yeah, it would probably (spell check made that "profanely") be a good thing to check in with someone and make sure your meds are optimally balanced. Are you still thinking about seeing another counselor?

  7. and you are one of the strong ones. you feel helpless and hopeless and yet you do actively live even if at times you feel like you're just going through the motions.

  8. I really love your blog. Your honesty is moving. Your struggles our real - and very often our struggles, too. You make a difference with your blog.

  9. I agree with those who say to see someone about your medication. Since you know the office visit is stressful for you, can you just arrange for a ride in advance? One of you family or friends just gives you a ride over and a ride back. Then you don't have to worry about whether you can drive yourself back. And if you are fine afterwards, go get lunch or an ice cream cone afterwards with your ride to celebrate.

    That picture is charming. You have such a beautiful family.

  10. Oh, that little chubby arm wrapped so tightly round her mama's face. So lovely.

    I could gaze at that baby all day. Beautiful photo of them both.

    Mary, I don't know. I feel like you need a different doctor. I don't know if your NP seems to really get it. Are you happy with her apart from the anxiety about going? I agree, the meds ain't right :(

  11. Big Mamabird- Isn't it the truth? And isn't that the sweetest picture in the world?

    ain't for city gals- Duly noted.

    Georgia Sews- This is all true. I was tested once for Lyme and it came back negative.

    Gail- And as sweet as the men and the dog can be...
    May we both have our days of peace. Thank you, sweetness.

    Elizabeth- I will certainly agree with you about that picture. I adore you, woman.

    Steve Reed- It is a process...this thinking about it.
    Yep. Poor snake. It was probably just trying to get some sun on a rarely traveled road. That would make a good poem title, wouldn't it?
    Mr. Moon claims not to like eggplant but he likes it cooked this way.

    Ellen Abbott- You made me cry a little. Thank you for that sweetness.

    Colette- You have no idea how much that meant to me. Thank you.

    Portia- Oh, I could easily get someone to drive me to the doctor. That's not a problem. I have to tell you though that the idea of using a reward like a lunch or an ice-cream cone afterwards makes me think that you have perhaps never had an anxiety attack.
    Thank you for the comment about my family. I think they are beautiful too.

    Jo- She doesn't get it. I know I need to find someone else. I know it. Isn't Magnolia just such a love? And of course, her mama is too.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.