Friday, June 21, 2013

Not Going So No Pictures Will Be Forthcoming Of Enhanced Bosoms

It is time to finally unpack my suitcase from last weekend.
I am not going to Singer Island.
I just can't. I am so exhausted in the head that I'm trading a weekend with loved ones in a Marriott Resort at the beach for a weekend alone with the chickens outside and the frogs and bats inside a one-hundred-and-fifty-six year old house.
Is that sad?
Well, so be it.
Let us recap:
Starting in January, my mother died, I have attended four weddings, three of them out of town and one of them for my own daughter. I have attended a funeral for a thirty-three year old girl, also out of town. I have been to Dog Island for a weekend with my grandsons and their parents and my husband. I executored a will and then decided not to do that any more. I have cleaned out my mother's room and dealt with her personal effects. Mostly.
What else?
I popped my hip completely out of joint while dancing.
I have thrown one bridal shower and at least two birthday parties and one bereavement gathering.
I have been grandmother and I have been wife and I have been friend. I have been sister and sister-in-law and daughter. I have been mother. I have gone through a period of time where two of my brothers were not speaking to me. One of them, at least, is again.
I have gardened and walked and written and cooked almost as many dinners as there has been days in the year. I have laughed and I have motherfucking cried. I have tended dogs and cats and chickens. Maybe not very well but they're all still alive.

I have not lost weight, taken up yoga again, written the Great American Novel or even very terrific blog posts. I have not done a whole lot of cleaning. I have not been the greatest wife, mother, or friend but by god, I've been a decent grandmother. And I have kept up with the laundry. I have not resorted to daytime drinking nor become a prescription pill addict.
Lately, however, I seem to be crying an awful lot.

And all of these things both done and undone have finally had their way with me to the point where no, I cannot pack and get in a car and drive for hours and be in a place where I have to put on a bra to go to breakfast nor decide what to do for fun, no matter how much I may regret it, especially thinking of this giant full moon which I'll miss seeing over the Atlantic ocean.
I will have to make do with watching it rise over the pecan trees and I will be fine with that.

Today is the Summer Solstice.
My phlox have just started blooming.

My husband just left and I cried and told him in every way I know how to come home safely.

I am going to stop crying. I am going to go to town and run errands with Lily and my grandsons. I am going to come home and I am going to spend the weekend watching the phlox unfurl, the birds as they feed and fly, the heavy bellied moon rise.

I am staying home and unpacking my suitcase and it is time.


  1. You poor girl, you've just got overworked and over wraught.. no wonder, when you actually list all the things you have done in the last six months.. no surprise there.. so its good you are going to have time on your own, to be peaceful and gentle with yourself.. Those darling grandons are going to make you laugh, but they are also hard work, so do not overstretch yourself again.. I think the tears are because of hormones, and change o life, so accept them, even it gets really bad, guess the old doc might have some meds that help... I think the main thing is tiredness and weariness of having to cope with all the things with your mum's estate.. that in itself, one little thing, is a huge thing in regard to emotions, and loss, so that will fade in time.. meanwhile you have those smashing grandsons to see and chat with.. just be kind to yourself too and just sit nd breathe nd get back in time.tune into the universe, its such a powerful thing when you do.... many hugs from across the water dear mrs m.. janzi

  2. I understand how you are feeling and I hope that your weekend of solitude will help heal you in some way. You spend so much time taking care of others. Take care of yourself Mrs. Moon.

  3. I'm so proud of you for taking care of you, and if that weekend makes you sound boring, then we are a pack of boring and I am more than ok with that.


  4. This sounds like a great decision and a perfect time to be with yourself. I disagree that you have not done some great blogging here. Enjoy your boys and your weekend Ms. Moon

  5. Damn. Yes, a weekend with the pecan tree sounds exactly right. The good thing about the moon is you can see it everywhere, so you never really miss it. It's how friends and I stay connected despite distances. I tell them we have the same moon and so we can't really be that far away after all.

    Enjoy your time and exhale.

  6. A decision I have made many times ~ everyone go and have a glorious time ... the best gift we can give ourselves is recuperative alone time.

    Waking up to a sunrise over pecan trees? Watching phlox bloom? man.

    I have sat and watched the water or hugged a tree or watched the sun rise from just a little light on the horizon to its last drop of light setting.

    ... never moved a muscle doing so. didn't even realize it ... total and complete tiredness.

    That's how our minds purge... and heal. nature ~ of any kind. I think so... let her rip, Ms. Moon..

  7. I'm glad you are tending to your self this time. Your family will miss you, of course, but all will be well. Maybe it's the summer solstice, I don't know, but I feel drawn to connect with nature right now, too, and kind of want to be left alone to walk in the grass barefoot, be with my animals in silence, just stare at the stars and the moon. I think we are all pagans at heart. As for your have to release all that you have endured this year somehow. That and our damn hormones.....or lack thereof!

  8. I so totally understand your desire and decision to stay home. No pressure. No bras. Just you and the undemanding hours unfurling just the way you choose.

    I particularly love this sentence: "I have laughed and I have motherfucking cried."

    And you have knitted us together through your words here. It is the one untruth you told yourself in this post. You have done some terrific posts here, and I am grateful. Now exhale and take care of you, Mary Moon. We are all her with you.

  9. "Is that sad?" No, it isn't. Dancing to your garden rhythms isn't sad.

  10. It is what is is Ms Moon. It is what it is. You'll have done nobody a favor by going to the island/peninsula. Soak up what you will have. Kiss those boys. Remove that bra!

  11. Take care of yourself. I didn't want to see any fake boobs anyway.

  12. you know what? sometimes a weekend alone is better than any weekend anywhere with anybody. being around people and being 'on' all the time is draining. enjoy your solitude.

  13. It's good to spend some time hanging out, that's what summer is for. I'm getting picky about what I do, and I am motherfucking crying too much too.
    I cry happy, sad, mad, disappointed, hopeful, hopeless, nostalgic, guilty - every kind of tears lately and I'm tired of being on the rollercoaster. I'm hoping for a bit of comfortably numb in the near future. The kind that happens on its own, without the wine. Speaking of which, how early constitutes daytime drinking anyway? :)

    Enjoy that moon over the pecan trees and rest, and let the world come back to you when you're ready for it. Happy Solstice.

  14. Can I borrow your last sentence, please?

  15. Jesus Mary just reading this exhausted me.

  16. Janzi- I love your hugs from across the pond. Thank you. I mean it.

    Kelly- Well, I'm going to just try and be still. Mostly.

    NOLA- The older we get, the more we know what we need, don't you think?

    Anonymous- Thank you, sweet Anon. I am lucky to have such nice commenters.

    Rachel- Yes. And when I see the moon, I think of all the places I've seen it rise and I feel so connected and I am grateful. What a beautiful planet we live on and the magic of it is plenty for me.

    Carolyn- Right now the rain is starting to patter down and it is better than anything I can imagine.

    Anonymous II- Yes. I know that hormones have a lot to do with it all. Or, as you point out- the lack thereof. Getting older is just so weird, isn't it?

    Angella- You are one of the blessings of my life. Thank you.

    A- I don't think so either. Not really.

    Jill- This will definitely be a NO BRA weekend. I have supplies to last me and I may not leave my yard for days.

    Stephanie- I am tempted to show you mine! (Not really. But sort of.)

    Ellen Abbott- Yep. My switch is turned to off.

    Mel- My tears are like that too. Any emotion just opens the valves. Maybe we are the lucky ones. I am trying to believe that.

    Regine Franck- Hello! Of course you may if I may borrow your name which is so stately and awesome! Thanks for stopping by.

    Madame King- Well, you've had your own busyness. And we're both tired. WHERE IS OUR CAKE?

  17. there you go! Stay put and watch the chickens or not and just breathe. you are the boss of you.

  18. Sweet relief to see that pretty phlox by the light of the moon. Bless it all.

  19. What is all this about fake boobies?

  20. I think, the more we know what we need, and the more likely to do it.

  21. Oh, I read this and "I have motherfucking cried" was EXACTLY the right thing to say. Then I saw that Mel called it out too. I have been motherfucking crying too. But I call it motherfucking weeping, because that gives it an air of respectability. Or something. Who cares, though. Slurry is slurry, but in slurry, wingbuds are forming. Soon.

    You rock. I hope you enjoy your solitude.

  22. It sounds to me like you're doing just what you need to do. We all hit our limits, don't we? Singer Island will always be there.

  23. Yobobe- Sometimes I forget that I'm the bos of me.

    Denise- Yep.

    Ms. Fleur- Refers to another post. Sorry.

    NOLA- Sometimes, at least!

    Betsy- I mostly always enjoy my solitude. It's a treasure for me which makes me sound like a damn narcissist and maybe I am but still. I need it.

    Elizabeth- Uh-huh. And tomato sandwiches, too.

    Steve Reed- I assume it will be. And if I need to see it, I now know where it is, at least.

  24. I get this. I booked a week away in the mountains of NC in late August and now wonder will I even want to go. Seeing those brooding old mountains seems too sad at the moment. Maybe I will want to go somewhere by then. I don't know. But for now, I am content to just be where I am--on the coast, at home, near the boat and the beach and the water.

    Staying put is a good way to heal and rest.

  25. Syd- Wait and see how you feel in August. You may be ready for some mountain. But if you don't, do go. It'll be all right.

  26. @ Ms Moon
    Thanks for the compliment and yes, feel free (it's my middle name plus my Hamburg-Starclub-visiting-while-pregnant-with-me mother's maiden name - I still prefer the Stones to the Beatles, though).

    It's Daddy Sunday for the children and I'll be going for a swim and sowing some curly kale and thinking of you


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.