The heat is not unlike a fist that slams you when you walk out into it, an oven entered unawares, a hot-flash wrapped in a wool blanket which has been toasting before a roaring fire.
Fucking fiery hot.
And I've had the doors and windows shut against it all day as we do, those of us who can possibly afford it and the dogs have made me crazy. They want in and they want out and they bust into the door from outside and I have to get up and shut it and the great beast of the AC unit chugs and chugs and I feel as if I am going to simply melt from the inside out with the heat, with the simmering anger it brings on as the air temperature becomes one with body temperature and I assure you that humans end up in emergency rooms in this weather, the victims of such melting and fire.
I was less than a good grandmother today. On edge and yet, at the same time, with too much lassitude to want to do anything fun and after ten it was too hot and buggy to go outside anyway and so we moved from room to room, playing with whatever toys were there and finally, Gibson went down for a nap and Boppy came home and he and Owen did things together and I laid down with the baby in the coolness and it helped but then I had to get up and after the boys left with Boppy following behind to help with a plumbing problem, I had to go outside to clean out the henhouse and just that small thing was enough to bring the kettle back to the boil.
Ah well. This is the way it is and we do have air conditioning and I think of the people who live in the metal boxes, the trailers right down the road and I do not know how they stand it. I used to live in one of those and it was hell and so we went out to the used appliance store and bought a rattly old AC window unit and put it into our bedroom and at night we were in heaven and lay there, sweat-free, and felt guilty, guilty because none of our friends had air conditioning.
We were half-assed-hippies. We had sold out and were sleeping in refrigerated air but sleep we did and the cold, noisy air beat out the guilt but I still feel traces of that. Unless we all have air conditioning, how can it be right?
I don't know. I don't know that it is right. It's certainly not fair.
Well, what the hell is?
I've been writing on this on and off for hours and inbetween bouts with it I've done some laundry (of course) and taken some leftovers out to the chickens and made a casserole out of different leftover leftovers and talked to Jessie on the phone and then, just now, to a friend who called and it's always a surprise and nice to hear his voice. He's one of the Good People. He's been there and back and he's gentle and he's kind and I started out feeling so man and bitchy but now that we've talked and after he told me to keep the faith, I feel better. It's getting cooler and the night time sounds are coming on so loud I can hear them over the AC and I may not be entitled to air conditioned air but I will never feel as if I am, I will never take it for granted, no and I won't take a lot of things for granted either that I really may not deserve but sure as hell have been blessed with anyway.
So I'll just end it there, the night coming on, another day in my life, except Ms. Yobobe gave me a quote today in a comment that was so damn good that I have to copy it here because it is perfect and it is right and I feel it full on and true right now, heat and lassitude and having been less-than-a-perfect grandmother and all.
It is this and Ms. Yo says it comes from Lester Burnham, a character from American Beauty played by Kevin Spacey.
"I can't help but feel gratitude for every moment of my stupid little life."