Thursday, October 7, 2010

Too Bad, So Sad

Elvis is crowing. I hate him right now. I hate him because even though he is a good rooster in some ways, he attacks Shalayla, jumping on her and doing his cruel, quick rooster fuck and she is scared to death of him and now life, too.

It is the most beautiful day. I woke up crying from a dream and I can't seem to quit. It's October and just as surely as the trees will lose their leaves, I will lose my shit.

It happens every year. I hate it every year.

The feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness come over me and there you have it. I want to be done. I want to crawl into bed and let it be done. I am perfectly content to watch the same episode of "Flipping Out" over and over again. The idea of planting a row of lettuce is more than I can bear. Maggie May wrote about self-pity today.
She hates self-pity.
I hope she doesn't read this.

I literally wring my hands. It is cold. Perhaps I am just trying to warm them. I don't know. The left one is going numb again all night and wakes me up. It did this for years. It is doing it again. I am falling apart. If I am in this much pain and discomfort now and I live another ten years or so, how will it be then? I can't fall apart. I have to keep up with that boy. And I know I'm strong. I can lift him up a thousand times a day to sit on my lap, to walk with me across the yard, to take him to the bed to change him, to hold him up to see if there are eggs in the nest.
I can. I do.

I have to.
I have always had a stubborn pride about being tough.
I don't feel tough. I feel as if I am made of steel wires that are fraying, sharp edges poking out everywhere, the tensile strength of the whole made weak.

How can it be that one day I am riding atop a bubble of this existence, this life, everything so sharp and clear and pure and good and the next, I am reaching up to touch bottom, as a woman I knew used to say? Don't tell me I'm bipolar. I don't go out and buy things. I don't stay up for days at a time. I am merely appropriately in love with the life I have on my really good days. Content.

Well, with age comes knowledge if not wisdom or peace. And even if this day I feel as if there is a complete falling-down, falling-apart, failing-at-it-all, I know that even by this afternoon, I may feel differently. Strong again, perhaps even tough. I will have shaken the dreams, I will have taken the walk, I will have folded the clothes, I will have cuddled the boy, made the bed, done the grocery shopping.

In short, pushed aside the beads on the abacus one more time to add up the sum of the day of the life.

I may not be able to grab onto the ride with both hands today and lift my face to the sky to laugh at the speed and the rush and the wind but but dammit, I can hold on until that happens, which for me means to maintain the order of the actions which will keep me steady until it does.

Elvis crows, Shalayla cowers, I need to go let them out of the coop. I don't hate Elvis. He is just a rooster and Shalayla is his favorite hen.

I don't hate my life. I don't even hate myself.

I just hate these feelings. And they will pass.


  1. You don't have to work so hard to reassure us. We already know. That you will feel good and then you will feel bad and that you hate those feelings -- and that they will pass. Just rest and let them be. I love you much.

  2. I have days like this, yes I do. I've been feeling pretty good for a few days in a row, which is a miracle in itself, and find I am less able to deal with pain flare ups and mood swings because they piss me off even more. I'm greedy. I want to feel good more than a few days a month. And what I wouldn't give to turn off the damn dream machine.
    I know you're not bipolar, just very aware and perceptive. Life is harder with eyes wide open. Especially when there's evil rooster sex happening to your shy hens, and fall nipping at your heels.
    Hope those feelings pass quickly.

  3. Depression is wicked. And a thief.

    I hope it passes soon.

  4. And I hope they pass soon. You are dearly loved.

  5. Elizabeth- I love you too. I think I am just trying to reassure myself, you know?

    Mel- Why does it help so much to know I'm not the only one? Thank-you.

    Kathleen Scott- It will. It will.

  6. I think seasonal depression is a bitch, and you never sound self pitying to me, you sound righteously angry and determined not to let your emotions bury you even if they beat you up. Your hands might do that numb thing because of depression. When I am bad off with anxiety I get a host of very upsetting physical symptoms which often begin before I even realize I'm anxious. At one point I did a battery of physical tests to make sure I didn't have a neurological disorder. Nope. Just a brain disorder. :) I love you Mary Moon and your honesty and life strengthen and embolden me every time I read you.

  7. Had to recomment to Maggie's comment: I have the numb hands things too, current culprit is pinched nerve in neck, but it seems to flare up with either the low back pain or the joint pain, and I wonder how much insomnia feeds into the process. I've begun to believe it's very much in my brain, as in blood flow, chemistry and neurologic short circuits, not just in my head :)
    I also believe anxiety fuels muscle tension and fatigue, which irritates the nerves which causes twitching, restless leg, neuropathy, and all this crap we didn't see coming.
    Wishing everyone well and soon. Until then, good posture, gentle stretches and perchance some dreamless sleep.

  8. Dreams hit me like a brick sometimes and trigger the blues. Today, I was briefly thrown into the pit after reading 2 blogs whose writers had mothers who demonstrably love them. But my dog loves me. And the cat doesn't mind too much that I'm here either. So I take what I get and marvel at the amazing colours that trees turn when the weather gives them the cold shoulder.

  9. I am there today, reaching up to the bottom too. The best part is knowing this place well enough to remember, as you do, that there is an exit just around the corner. I'll keeping heading that way too.

  10. OK you just described me perfectly and somehow that makes me feel less alone, so thank you! My doctor made me fill out some bipolar questionnaire last Monday and then told me what I already knew--that I'm not bipolar. I have an appointment next week with a counselor and I am trying to remain positive about it. I hope you feel better soon Mary. I hope we all do.

  11. well..isnt everyone depressed when the fall---the winter comes? i dislike this time of the year so much..

    and to in the moon..words frommy grandma who always says: this, too, will pass...

    and she is damn right..this too will pass you by..and later you ll
    be happier and stronger then before...just allow yourself to rest and to stand still until its over...

    the word today is elent..which sound slike elend..the german word for..uhm..misery...but thats okay...we get over that one too

  12. It will pass, Mary, and you have such capacity for joy and appreciation of beauty, I suppose this is most often the flip side of that :(

    I wonder should you find a new doctor too, though, and see what he or she might be able to offer.

  13. Well, Ms. Moon, you know I know too well what it's like. I will just sit with you until it goes away again.

    (I have it in Winter or Autumn too but we are enjoying a late summer just now, so ours won't start until next week.)

  14. Come over anytime. you know I make good coffee!

    Also, I have some interesting grapes from Mr. Lawrence to share with you.

  15. I hope you ended up having a wonderful love filled day...
    and that you'll post something later that I can read and feel better about the brutal day I had . No pressure.

  16. First of all, can I say that I have the best blog friends in the world? You are all so compassionate and so smart. I love you all so much and your words give me so much to carry with me, to buoy me up.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- I know it will pass. You are, of course, beloved. It's in your name.

    Maggie May- I love that- not a neurological disorder- just a brain disorder. I have often felt that. Thank you for saying I am not self-pitying. I can't tell and am constantly kicking myself to get up and walk like a man! Or a woman, anyway. I adore you. Thank-you.
    And yes- there is a very, very close mind/body connection in some of us. Too damn close.

    Stephanie- Thank you, babe. You know it will.

    Mel- I think you are perfectly correct. I, too, believe I have a pinched nerve in my neck or upper shoulders. If I could just get a massage every week...
    But of course not.
    Not even every year, dammit.
    And I am sure that the mental stuff creates so much havoc in the body. And it's a vicious cycle, isn't it? Yes. Let's all please get better. Can we all just RELAX?

    Jeanne- "Today, I was briefly thrown into the pit after reading 2 blogs whose writers had mothers who demonstrably love them."
    Oh lord. I know exactly what you mean.

    Lisa- Exactly. We just have to carry on until we hit that doorway. It's there. We'll find it. I know we will.

    Lois- I had a shrink diagnose me as bipolar once (or manic-depressive as it was called then) and I have no idea why. He even put me on Lithium and it was awful and I got so much worse. I am glad you are going to see someone. We all have to be here for each other and I am thinking of you.

    Danielle- It's so hard to rest, you know. There is so much demanding attention all of the time. But I am trying. You are so sweet to give me encouragement. I know you understand. Thank you.

    Jo- Oh. I do need a new doctor. I do.

    Mwa- I feel you by my side. Thank you.

    Ms. Fleur- Part of this whole thing is not wanting to go anywhere which only makes it worse, I know. But I know where you are. I thank you, sweet neighbor.

  17. Okay - two great things about fall in Tallahassee: 1) Goodwood's Heirloom plant sale is Saturday. I love that sale but this year I have to miss it though because I didn't realize it was this weekend and I'm helping at the 2) Title Wave Used Book Sale for the Leon County Library on Saturday (9 - 3). Title Wave also run on the Sabbath, 11 - 3. But I'm not working the Title Wave on the sabbath this year because I'm a devotee of the church of the batshit crazy. And of you.

  18. Jucie- That makes me laugh. And yes, I have heard about both of those events. There's something else going on during those hours though that I think I might attend. Maybe if I can get my depressed, batshit crazy ass out of the house.
    Do I know you?

  19. We probably should know each other but we don't beyond the fact that I love your writing. My husband knows your husband. He's a Miccosukee Co-op guy from way back. He and I live in civilization now; well, compared to the co-op it's civilization although compared to my friends it's pretty far out.
    I thought I saw you at last year's Goodwood sale but didn't want to impose on you. Next time I'm sayin' hey!

  20. These moods are a cruel, quick rooster fuck.

    I love you very much

  21. I was going to email you today, but I know it was one of those days that maybe, you didn't want to be all chatty.


  22. I always enjoy reading your posts Ms. Moon. So full of wisdom and they speak to me on so many levels because I share a lot of your thoughts and feelings. I hope all is well and that things are looking up when you read this. Take care, and thank you again for sharing your insight and knowledge with me.

  23. I think there is something about the fall, the ending of things, that seems so sad. I love this time of year but as the days get shorter I can feel a turning inward. Maybe it is being photosensitive but I think it is the evening golden light that fills my heart to overflowing. Tomorrow is another day. Good night to you.

  24. Why is it that the yearnings of the heart no matter the mood still smell so sweet. Your writing seems to remind us all that we are indeed not alone in the roller coaster of emotions that coarse through our lives like viruses.

  25. Hi dear MM,
    I'm sorry I haven't commented lately. I'm still reading and loving. I was so so sorry to hear about the chickens. Broke my heart for you. Your writing sometimes is the only thing I look forward to, so I'm sorry I haven't said so lately, or just let you know I've been here.
    I hope you're feeling better. I love the way you tell your life and insides. I love the way you share your world.

  26. You, self-pitying? Never! Thinking of you and hoping you know how loved you are.


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