Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dancing With The Zombie

It's so funny how when the depression comes over me, I can feel it physically. It's like that stupid commercial, "Who does depression hurt?"

Uh. Me.

I can feel it in my eyes. Actually and literally. They feel salted and warm, almost as if there were tear jello stuck in them. Yes. That is it. Tear Jello.
Or perhaps the nasty stuff is caught in my sinuses because you know, you don't really cry when this sort of feeling comes over you. You just walk around like Zombie Bob. Yesterday I went to get in the car in Vero and Mr. Moon said, "Uh, honey?"
I was trying to get into the blue car next to our blue car. Completely dazed out. Our car is an Impala, the one I was trying to open was a BMW.

But you know, it's okay. I didn't try to do shit today. We walked down to the Methodist Church where I learned, sort of, to skate board on a piece of shit that I think my grandfather made me out of a board and a pair of skates. We used these bastardized things down at the Methodist Church because they had the only sidewalk in town.
They have a thrift store there now and I got some beautiful linen napkins for twenty-five cents apiece and a linen tablecloth with Battenberg lace for a buck.

Fuck Goodwill.

But then I DID go to the Goodwill and got something which is bound to be a Christmas present for someone and then I came back here and slept.

Mr. Moon said, "I can't sleep as much as you can."
I said, "Well, you're not as depressed as I am."

But you know, the funny thing is, is that it's okay.
I am still, even with the Tear Jello clogging my pipes and eyes and joints, too, having a sweet time of it. Does that make any sense?

I think it's because I know it will pass. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow. I think it will. I do.

And every where I look, there is some sort of beauty that knocks me out, even though I am Zombie Bobbing around the place.

I can almost laugh at myself. Okay. I CAN laugh at myself.
Oh. Poor old Mary. Stuck in paradise. Bless her little heart.

Yeah. Tomorrow. We'll paddle the river tomorrow. Or at the very least, I'll take the camera around do a photo history of Roseland. One of the funniest things to me is how, even though so much is the same, the most changed buildings I see are the two houses I lived in as a child.
They've changed so much that I would never in a million years recognize them if they weren't sitting right there where they belong.

Wouldn't you know?

Life is funny. Life is hysterical.
The trick is just to hold on until you get the joke.

And I am.

Time to watch the sunset.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. oh Ms Moon dear, feeling very much the same today. I don't know...
    Thinking of you.

  2. Holding on until you get the joke? Extremely apt; I send sweetness your way today, because this will pass, but it sucks ass until it does. Love you.

  3. I have so been where you are... or at least in my own version of it... It's funny sometimes... how it hits you... but as you said... it will pass.

  4. that you know it will pass if you just hang on puts you way ahead of the game. hang on, dear Mary. sending love.

  5. I'm sorry that you're depressed Mary. I am depressed too, and I rarely get that way -- I feel like my body is falling apart and I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I feel like a cliche.

    I do adore the sparkly eyeshadows you gave me. Maybe I'll go put some on, go out and pretend that I'm not who I am.

  6. I am sorry you have the crazy today. (We both know it will pass, but not soon enough.) I had to laugh alittle at your vacation experience though, it sounds just like when me and my friend go away. We sleep, eat, go to the nearest Goodwill, take a nap..eat some more and go to bed early! We are the MOST boring, but happiest people in the world when we go away!!
    Love to you,

  7. I'm sorry I thought I heard you say skateboard?!

  8. Bethany- I am so sorry. At least I don't have to take care of one damn thing.

    Kori- I feel the chuckle, rising in my throat.

    Dianne- I know. Out of nowhere. But of course, it never really is.

    Angella- Thank-you, dear. I feel it slipping on.

    Elizabeth- You can wear that sparkly eye shadow at home, and be exactly who you are, just with sparkly eyes.

    Justme- Phew. Glad it's not just me.

    Juancho- Yep. Home made. Boy, it was rockin'. Not too rollin', though.

  9. When I'm depressed, it's a physical sensation too, like my lungs work slowly and my body becomes covered in something sticky that blocks out sensation. It builds and builds until I can't connect with the outside world, but I put up a good front most of the time. Then it slowly dissolves, bit by bit, and once again I can feel the world and breath normally. Weird.

    Feel better soon, Ms. Moon.

  10. Terena- You have Tear Jello on your skin. I think this may be true.

  11. how i love your voice. i love it like i love to open up anne lamott and hear her. your blunt assessment of even your own moods and person are music to my ears. this is how i want to hear about people's lives, to read about them. feel the love.xoxoxo

  12. I love the concept of tear jello. Not your having it. No. But that it is such an apt description. Here's hoping you got some good sleep and that the Mister caught some good fish. x0 N2

  13. That goddamned black dog followed you to Florida? How dare he!

    I sleep a lot, too, when I am depressed, which is most of the time. I'll come visit and we'll both take lots of naps, okay?

    Hope the depression lifts, babe.

    Love you!

  14. You're right. Yesterday I could NOT see the joke either. Today quite a bit more. I hope you too.


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