Monday, August 3, 2020

Feeling Worthless

Yes, yes, yes. I overdid it yesterday. Today has been more painful and far less energetic. 
Here’s the problem- if I’m not accomplishing things, if I’m not getting things DONE, I feel so completely worthless. Even though I logically know that time spent resting right now is time spent healing. That light activity is fine but overdoing it is simply self-destructive. And that honestly, my presence in this vast universe is so microscopically small that the idea of my worth being based on bean-picking is so ludicrous as to be evidence of insanity. 

I think tomorrow I’ll clean out the hen house because god, it needs it. 
Haha!
No really. I might. 

So I didn’t do much today. I am well into season five of The Office though. And I have four more quarts of beans in the freezer. And a loaf of bread in the oven. 
But I didn’t do laundry and I didn’t sweep and I didn’t scrub anything. 
So. 

It’s just overall been a sort of hard day for various reasons. Mostly because I haven’t had much energy. But nothing terrible. I’ve still been able to enjoy watching my chickens scratch about in the yard. I’ve gotten pleasure from the vase of zinnias I picked. I’ve laughed at The Office. 

Mr. Moon and I have been watching a documentary series on Netflix called “The Last Dance.” It’s mostly about the Chicago Bulls and the team members and coach who came together to create an unprecedented basketball team. Michael Jordan is the central player in this story and despite the fact that I am one of the least interested people in the world when it comes to sport, the series has moved me deeply. 
As with all good stories, it is the people and their stories which make for interest and drama and pathos. And there is plenty of all of that here. Some of these men were elevated almost to the status of gods and why not? Men of seemingly super-human strength and focus and determination and abilities. And let’s face it - they were gorgeous human beings. And when they acted like men instead of gods, the public somehow felt the right to criticize and deride them. 
I think the ancient Greeks and Romans got it right when they allowed their deities to have god-sized human-like faults. 

To add to my interest in the series there is of course the fact I am married to a man who spent the first almost thirty years of his life pursuing a basketball dream. He got his college education through his skills and abilities and efforts on the basketball court and the game took him to Europe where he lived for a few years playing pro ball there. 
I never got to see him play then because I didn’t meet him until later but the way he carried himself as he moved through life both physically and in all other ways- with a quiet and sure confidence- helped me to fall in love with him. And as I grew to know him, I realized that the lessons he’d learned on the basketball court about giving things his all, about believing in himself, about sussing  out a situation and coming to the most direct route to create the outcome he wanted no matter what it took- these were things I’d never seen in any of the men I’d known. 
And I see all those things in Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippen, even Dennis Rodman in this documentary. 
It’s rather fascinating. 
And by the way- I am pretty sure that Michael Jordan figured out that defying gravity thing. 

So that’s a little of what’s been going on here. 
I’m healing, albeit sometimes slowly, my man is taking care of business as he always does, and I am still in wonderment that I lucked up and fell in love with this tall man and that he fell in love with me. 

Bread’s out of the oven. It’s pretty. 

Love...Ms. Moon

27 comments:

  1. Darling Mary, your work right now is to heal. That is the true challenge, to be still as much as you can stand it and heal. So do what you do but maybe give cleaning the hen house a pass. I watched The Last Dance with my man, too. It was fascinating to watch these men combine their energies to create that final season. Human excellence and human frailty in abundance and isn’t it always so. You are loved dear one, whether you pick beans or not, clean the hen house or not. As you once told me, just be.

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    1. “Human excellence and human frailty in abundance...”
      Exactly! And I fell in love with that coach. He was a huge part of the teams successes with his hippie/Buddhist ways.
      You’re right about just being. I have been thinking about this lesson a lot today.

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  2. Oh, that is a lovely post. Such happiness in each other.

    And yes how frustrating illness can be. Don't you find though that when it has gone, it's surprisingly hard to remember the details? A sort of self protection, so we get on with our journey through life. I was thinking today of when I was laid up for weeks with an ankle.Couldn't even leave the house. I used to sit at the window and watch people walking down the road and be filled with envy. They were walking, and not even noticing how great it was to walk!!!! Yet now, I don't even remember if it was the left or the right ankle! Keep resting, keep healing.

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    1. Yes. We are capable of forgetting so much of painful times. I’m not there yet though. Hope to be soon. It’s so funny that you can’t even remember which ankle was injured!

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  3. Good thing others don’t tie our worth to cookin’, cleanin’, pickin’, and bakin’ like we do, huh? Two years ago today I had Achilles’ tendon repair (thanks, Facebook memories!), and today I still remember how I felt three days in. Worthless to ourselves, maybe....but never forget that your honey, your kids and grands, and all your friends love ya!

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    1. I know. There’s just very strong part of my soul that somehow conjoins my worth with what I do rather than who I am. It’s not that hard to understand why But for some reason it’s hard to understand that it’s not true.

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  4. You keep getting better, you hear!

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  5. I'm waiting on Oliver to get home to watch The Last Dance. I will then tell AGAIN my stories of being in the same class as MJ at UNC during those glory days. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better, but damn, I'm still bummed that you've had this trouble on top of everything else.

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    1. That is so cool, Elizabeth. I’ll tell Glen. He’ll be highly impressed.
      Yeah. Having broken ribs isn’t the greatest now or any time but at least it’s been a distraction.
      I can’t believe I just said that.

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  6. Taking the necessary time to Heal isn't worthless, it's important. May your restlessness subside as you continue to be on the mend!

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  7. Hugs to you and Mr. Moon...

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  8. Hey, you can't fool me Mama Moon. I spotted the deliberate mistake in this blogpost's title. You tried to slip it through Border Control but we spotted it. Might we put it down to the side effects of the pain killers? So uncharacteristic.

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    1. Oh god. I didn’t even see that until I read your comment. And no, not a result of pain killers. I’m not taking that kind. More the result of typing my blog on my phone.

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    2. This kind of thing starts to happen when you reach the grand old age of 66.

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  9. Oooooh, the Chicago Bulls!! I live 45 miles from Chicago and while I've never been to a Bulls game in-person, there was a time in life that I would NEVER EVER miss a game on tv. 3-peats, 6-peats... Michael, Scottie, Steve, Dennis... heck, all of them. Couldn't wait to see what hair design Dennis Rodman had, for each game. Couldn't wait for the lights to dim and the music to start... "And now...from North Carolina, Miiiichael Joooooorrrrdannnnnnnn"!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) Thank you for rekindling the fond memories for me this morning. Love, Andrea xoxo

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    1. Watch the series if you can. You will love it.

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  10. perhaps if you put a time limit on any activity you feel you should be doing. hahahahaha

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    1. Good plan, Ellen. But you know it goes- I’m done when the task is finished. I think you’re probably the same.

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  11. Interesting--maybe because I was "sickly" as a child, always being kept home with sore throats, colds, I completely give myself a pass on having to do anything useful if I'm sick or injured. Perhaps if it lasted a long time I might begin to feel worthless, but certainly not for a few weeks. I guess this is a good way to be, as I age. Sort of.

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  12. I haven't heard of that show. I think it might be a tall order for me to watch anything sports-related, but I can see how Mr Moon (and by extension you) would find it interesting, knowing his basketball background.

    Take it easy! Get better!

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    1. Well, like I said- I’m not interested in sports but I do love a good story. And this is one of those. Lots of elements to it. And of course, hours of footage of some of the most magnificent males to ever grace the earth doesn’t hurt.

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  13. Happy belated birthday Mary! Sounds like your injuries are getting a little better with every passing day. I’m so impressed with Mr. Mom’s prowess at baking and pretty much anything else he puts his mind to! Much love.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. I know! That cake! We have a few bites left. I’m pretty amazed at what a beautiful job he did on it.
      And yes, I am healing some every day.

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