Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It's Spring, Goddam It!

And I'm sick.
I swear. I keep thinking I'm done, I'm fine and then I just start feeling worse. I'm still sneezing some, still congested and my body aches and I'm so tired and I just feel so...defeated.

The words defeated me this morning and my walk defeated me too. I forced myself to go out and do it but every step felt painful and my feet weighed so much and gravity sucked so hard.

I came home and cleaned out the hens' nests and I needed a new bale of hay and when I went to pick it up, I almost toppled over. It defeated me.

The garden called to me to come and plant some lovely lettuces and peas in it. I could feel it wanting to receive the tiny peas, wrinkled and dry and wanting to let them fill out in the dark, damp dirt and send out the beautiful little pea shoots to climb the new fence. I measured the steps to the garden, to the house to get the seeds and I just couldn't do it. The sun was so warm and the birds were singing so sweetly but I just couldn't do it.

I came inside and put away laundry, ironed a few shirts and went to bed. I was defeated. And that's how I feel now. Just fucking defeated. Not depressed or anxious. Just tired. And oh yeah, sick. And maybe defeated.

I took a picture of a camellia too heavy for its tiny branch, its head hanging down towards the earth instead of up towards the sun. There was birdshit on the leaves. It looked how I felt and I thought to post it here but it wasn't in focus when I looked at it on the computer and I would go take another one but I don't have the energy.


And sick.

I hate being this way. When I was a little girl, it seemed that my mother was always sick and I just hated that. I worried about her and bad things happened when she was in that dark room with the shades drawn or away at the hospital and I think I may have vowed never, ever to be sick, and mostly I've been able to keep that vow but this virus- it's got me and it's going to take its sweet time in letting go.

But it's spring and I can't be sick for long. Dammit! I have peas to plant and hay to tote and weeds to pull and words to write. I have words to write and I feel so bad when you come here expecting some wisdom or something to laugh about or something, well, good, and instead you find this mishmash of mind mutterings. Sick mind mutterings.

I'm not asking for sympathy so don't give me any, dammit! Just please bear with me.

It's spring, I'm sick, it'll still be spring tomorrow and maybe I'll feel better.

And you- don't you get sick! You hear me? I mean it.

Love...Ms. (cough-cough, sneeze-sneeze, whine-whine) Moon


  1. Alas, I think Billy has a touch of the illness too. Waylon and I hope you feel better soon, and take it easy for f*@k's sake!

  2. Well, I am sorry. Can you sit/sleep in the sun somewhere? I believe sunlight helps these things.

  3. MamaShayla- Oh! I love you so much and I am so sorry Billy might have the crud, too. Please don't you and Waylon get it. And by the way, you can say "fuck" at blessourhearts any time.

    Stephanie- I did spend some time in the sun and will spend more time tomorrow. Unless it rains.

  4. Sweet Ms. Moon,
    Okay, I won't give you sympathy but I love finding here whatever it is you offer. Mishmash of mind mutterings from you are always welcome. Feel better Ms Moon, rest up, allow yourself to be sick. It's okay.

  5. Oh for heaven's sake.

    If you don't let yourself be sick when you're sick, you don't get better.

    Just be sick for a couple days! It happens! Blankets. Sleep. Warm drinks. Reading. TV.

    Sometimes we need that. Recharge.

  6. Lay down. Seriously! Watch crap TV and drink tea. Feel better....

  7. I think me and the wife must have the same thing, two weeks so far of feeling bad, good again then's getting's nice out and I want to enjoy it-I want to plant things here at our first home dangit..gaah..

  8. We are living this at our house. Fucking miserable.

  9. Sucks for you. But please know that I was feeling defeated this morning when a friend sent me the link to Bless Our Hearts as I have just recently moved to Lloyd. Reading your words was like licking honey off a spoon. What a simple pleasure. Bless YOUR heart for helping me feel UNdefeated.

  10. Just laughing at Jo's comment because really, what else can you do? Sending hugs.

  11. I think it is harder to be sick when the sun is shining outside and the soil is calling the seeds to its womb.

    My usual prescription for beating the coughing crud is ginger lemon tea with honey and watching B&W movies from under the comforter on the couch. You may already be trying that one.

    For pumping up the resistance to throw off this kind of thing, elderberry syrup is good and available Near You! I just looked up "drug store Lloyd Florida". Here's a link to the CVS site and the product description for Sambucol:

    It even tastes good, especially in fresh squeezed OJ.

    Sending warm hugs! x0 N2

  12. Ms. Moon, I, for one, don't expect you to feel wonderful and to make me feel wonderful, too, every single day. Just most days. So get well, ya hear?

  13. It sounds very similar to what I had a week or so again. You need to rest and get better -- you won't if you don't. But you knew that, didn't you?

  14. Well, no sympathy then. Just some advice: as soon as you accept this and start giving yourself permission to be defeated for a while, you'll probably get better. I know that judging voice in the head too well. It has never done anyone any good.

  15. I give you commiseration. I am sick too, though mine isn't respiratory, but rather intestinal. I *must* get better today because we fly out to your great state tomorrow afternoon. I do hope you feel better soon!

  16. ok, no sympathy! but I think you should drink a hot toddy or two for the morale

  17. How you manage to make funny out of everything I have no clue. Get better and yes, you have my sympathy (DAMMIT). Sorry I have been away.

  18. I hate that you're sick. It's the suck.

    Sending love,


  19. Aw, poor mama. Go get under your duck. Is it raining in Lloyd today? It sure is here.

  20. That sucks. I used to hate when my mom was sick too. As she is battling cancer now, I hate it more than ever. Feel better, Ms. Moon.

  21. Nothing like a cold to drain the brain of the thought process...we all have had that feeling were the blahs settle in and you just want to be will come and you know it but it is downright hard to be stuck...wish I could send you a pot of my homemade chicken noodle soup...tea and honey too!

  22. Bethany- I seem to be getting better despite the fact that I haven't had time to be sick. I am grateful for that.

    Jo- I am trying. Not working. Too busy. (Said the martyr mom)

    SJ- Well. I am drinking tea.

    Mr. Mischief and Nancy C- Somehow that is reassuring to know. Thanks.

    Rutabagaroo- Welcome to the nabes! I'm sure we'll see each other at the Post Office! Stop me and say hello.

    N2- You are so sweet. The closest CVS is at least ten miles away, though. I may call Mr. Moon and have him pick me some up on his way home. I trust you!

    E- Okay. Deal.

    Elizabeth- Yes, mama.

    Nigel- Agreed!

    Mwa- I need to embroider that on a pillow. Thank-you.

    Lora- Oh no! You can't be sick on vacation!

    Screamish- Sounds like excellent advice.

    Brother Wrecking Ball- I have missed you! BASTARD! Please come visit again soon. Love...M

    Ms. Bastard- Maybe I need acupuncture? Love you too.

    DTG- We sure had our rain. I think Owen peed on the duck.

    Angie- I send you and your mother both my best, most loving thoughts.
    How hard for her and for all who love her.

    Ellen- I made my own chicken soup and it just didn't do the trick. Maybe yours would. Thanks.


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