Touch

I keep thinking about last night and Shayla's birth. It was so different, waiting for a scheduled section to occur than it is being with a woman in labor. No one was in pain, no one needed support (although Billy looked pretty anxious at times).
But it really was sort of a party. Billy's sister's children were running around and playing on the floor and we were all passing Owen around and it just seemed such a happy time.
At one point, in the middle of the chaos, I sat down on the bed with Shayla and held her hand and said, "Are you okay?" And she very much was. I looked around at all the craziness and said, "Do you want us to leave? Is this too much?"

She said, "No. I think it's helping me."

And then I teared up because all of that craziness, all of that chaos (Eli, get back here! Adda, please be quiet! Can I hold Owen? Did you text Hank?, etc., etc.) was just part of the chorus of the song of the family. Grandmothers, sisters, daughters, sons, grandchildren, all happy and excited and in the still, quiet center, a baby waiting to be born. Family is all. Family is everything. Family is messy and loud and always there to help. Or at least that's what family should be.

We're a touchy family. Not touchy like you can't say anything for fear of hurting some one's feelings, but touchy in the sense that we touch each other. A lot. We all do it. We all reach for each other's shoulders, we all pull each other into hugs. We hold hands. My kids never ever reached a point in their teenaged years when they wouldn't hold my hand in the mall. I find that remarkably strange and miraculous and wonderful. And we still do it. We walk around holding hands. And Billy and Shayla are like that, too. Just arms-wide-open people. And not everyone is. I understand that.
I'm just glad all of us are.

When Mr. Moon came into the room he was wearing his Levis and a nice plaid shirt. That man's Levi's have an acre of denim in them. Not because he's fat- Lord, he's anything but fat. But because he's so long. And when he walked in with all this kid and baby and excitement stuff going on, he did a little dance and his eyes were twinkling and my heart just leapt up. He is so handsome, that man, and I love him so much and never more than when he is handing his own heart out on a plate with a little dance and a hug and a gathering in and a patting of a ripe belly. Never more than that. He went right to Shayla, as well he should have, and kissed her.

One of the first things I noticed about his daddy was how physical he was. Now because of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, I have always been extremely sensitive to good touch and bad touch and I was completely sure that Mr. Moon's daddy was so full of the good touch that I relaxed right away and started to love him and never quit. Mr. Moon is like that, too. Full of good touch. And I know some men who hug A LOT but I notice they always hug women, never men and that bothers me because in not hugging people of the same sex, it adds an element of something weird. If you're going to be a hugger, fucking hug everyone! Men as well as women. And Mr. Moon does that. After he hugged Shayla, he hugged Billy. Again, as it should have been.

Touch. It is magical and we all need it. And there was a lot of it going on last night. May kept pulling me towards her and every time she did, I felt so loved. Like she just loves me so much she can't keep her hands off me. I feel the same about her. And all my kids. I just want to hold them. And Owen- oh, who can resist holding Owen? And when Billy picked up Whalon out of his box with all the little monitors on him and held him so close, I was cheering inside. "Yes! Pick him up! Hold him to you!"

When it was time for us to leave the aquarium window and go back to the room where they were bringing Shayla, I asked Adda, Billy's niece, if she wanted to ride on my back like a horse. She is shy around me. She doesn't know me well and I respect that and am very careful not to grab on to kids who don't want to be grabbed by me but she said she would like to ride on my back and I carried her back down the hall to the room and she was making little riding-horsie noises and gently tugging at my hair as it were a mane. I loved those few moments, feeling her weight on my back. It was lovely. I can't wait to carry Owen that way.

When it was time for us to go, there were a million hugs and kisses.
I wish I could go see the new family right now and hug and kiss them again but I am trying to be respectful of their need to bond together. I know I'll get the chance soon. I will. Because Billy and Shayla and Waylon and their family are part of mine too. We got to be at their birth-day party! We were invited! Oh the honor!

I said the words that married Billy and Shayla when they stood up together in my back yard in front of friends and family and I thought that was as big an honor as I ever could have gotten but last night's was even bigger. The honor to be there, touching and smiling and holding and kissing and patting and giving a horsie ride and oh- more kissing.

I was touched.
I am touched.
Don't forget to touch.

Love each other so much you can't keep your hands off each other. Pass the babies around, hold hands. Kiss. Rub cheeks. Reach out and blur the lines between you. See how insignificant they are, those lines. Between families, between friends who are family. Share warmth. Spill love out through your fingers and hands. Hold your heart out on a platter.

Offer it gladly with a kiss. It will only come back to you bigger. I swear it will.