Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ay-Yi-Yi


Phew. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I feel like I'm losing it here, y'all. My days are so full and I know that my definition of full is completely different from most other people's definitions of full and that's because they live in the "real" world and I do not. I live in the Magical Kingdom of My Mind which is yes, situated in Lloyd, Florida and I'm happy about that. I look at other people I know who get about fifteen thousand things a day done while I get about two things done and they travel and go kayaking and hiking and oh hell, to art museums and India and I? Well, I go to the chicken coop a lot. Four or five times a day, at least.

One of my friends, a woman who is way beyond productive, gets up with insomnia and cleans her house at two in the morning. Or four. Or six. Whatever. This woman travels more than anyone I know both with work and for pleasure, has at least two parties a month, has more friends that she does things with than she can shake a stick at, has moved an old house onto a piece of property she owns next door and is restoring it, has a beautiful yard and house that have her mark of quirk and charm about them, and is ready at the drop of a hat to help someone move, decorate for a wedding, throw a genuine English high tea or a redneck Christmas party, or take you on a road trip if that's what you need. She has a long-time, full-time boyfriend, a job and two sons. They're grown, but still. Also, she goes to the gym regularly.

I just look at her and go, "Whaaaaa?"

If I get up with insomnia I certainly do not clean my house. I eat Chex Mix or something equally nasty and read with my book up to my nose because I don't have my glasses on until I'm falling asleep in my chair in the kitchen and then I go back to bed.

Then I complain all the next day because I am TIRED and I am FAT.

See what I'm saying?

I suck.

I suck at the things normal people seem to be able to do.

In two weeks we're supposed to go to a wedding up in Alabama and it's going to be a big one. We've been invited to the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, the day-following-the-wedding brunch and I've been invited to a luncheon honoring the bride and her bridesmaids. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how much they do NOT want Ms. Moon at a luncheon in Alabama with nice young Alabama girls and their nice young mamas? Oh Lord. This could be a fiasco. Let's not even mention the fact that I do not have four different outfits proper to the occasion of any of these events. I am already in deep depression about this and don't begin to know how to get ready. I think I'm in denial and am hoping, once again, that a comet hits the earth, destroying all forms of life as we know it, especially those forms which would require me to wear something "nice." Help me, Jesus.

I would so much rather spend a weekend cleaning up chicken shit and weeding the garden. I'm being honest here. But I suppose I'll have to go. I'll have to be nice. This is family. I'll have to pretend to be civilized. I'll have to be wearing appropriate shoes. At all times. I'll have to try and not shame Mr. Moon in any way. I'll have to wear a bra, remember not to say words like "cocksucker" (especially to the bride) or get drunk and dance the hootchie-mama dance.

In other words, I will have to pretend to be someone I am not.

Pray for me.

Meanwhile, I'm just hoping for a day soon where I have the time to hang my clothes on the line in this beautiful weather. A day where I can take a walk and sweep the floors and talk to Lis on the phone. A day where I can write.

A day where I can breathe. A day to spend in the Magical Kingdom of My Mind, right here in Lloyd wearing overalls and NO BRA.

A day to breathe. In and out. Consciously and without worrying that I'm about to be late for something.
Because I don't operate in normal time. I know that. I know I'm not normal. And that's okay with me.

I just wish the rest of the world understood.

31 comments:

  1. Lord, I understand. Of course, I am your daughter and I'm exactly like you. Funny thing about that- I think you're fabulous and I suck. Maybe I need to rethink that. Self esteem boost via the fabulousness of others.
    You'll get your day, Mama. Just a quiet lovely day. Soon.

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  2. I think maybe more people understand than you think (and love you for it).

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  3. I sooo get it. People think I'm one of those 'do it all' girls, but the truth is, my house is a damn disaster, I can't tell you the last time we SAW the kitchen table, much last ate a meal on it. And don't even ask the last time I actually cooked something. I don't cook. I open boxes and cans. On a good day.
    But because I have a 'professional career' and 2 great kids that I have my shit together. What a damn joke.
    I suck. And I believe I'm a barren old crone.

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  4. May- We just need lots of downtime. We should quit worrying about it and feeling guilty and just accept the fact that we do. Done.
    Okay?

    Ginger- Even the people in Alabama? No. If they did, they wouldn't plan huge events like this! Bless their hearts.

    Rachel- And I just commented on your barren old crone post. You are NOT a barren old crone and I know because I am one. So there!
    And anyone who can hold down a job and raise two kids on her own IS a superwoman with her shit together. I don't care if you can't find her kitchen table.

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  5. I do understand the sort of neurotic need we all seem to have to want to "fit in". BUT... think of all the characters we love so deeply, both in life and the movies.. like Wheezer, and ALL the women in Crimes of the Heart, and EVERYONE in Bull Durham, etc... At some point they throw up their hands and say I YAM WHAT I YAM BABY! Like it or lump it!

    Personally I LOVE IT, and you. And I think you'd feel a lot less koo koo and stressed if you just trust that who you are is great and just be it. I mean be you, who you ARE.
    Capeshe? ;-) xo pf

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  6. PS When in doubt, smile and nod. And say "Ooooh"? and "I see", a lot.

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  7. i find all that hooopla...well, it's hoopla and i am not having that stress nor am i putting it on the people who i want with me on my wedding day.

    i like your picture today. i always wanted my grandma to bake me a cake that looked like those ladies, with a barbie pick on the top for the body and then the dress made out of cake molded with frosting ruffles for the dress.

    xxalainaxx

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  8. Yeah!...just plain Yeah!

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  9. Oh, how I understand this. Completely.

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  10. Today is such an "I suck" day. I'm so glad you wrote it all out in your wonderfully charming, funny, not suckish way. I sucked so bad today for some many reason. The main one being I have a million supplies to make cards. Got them all out and worked and worked for over two hours before I had to leave for work (was so proud of myself for getting out of bed at a decent time) and made such a mess and waste and had little beads and glitter all over and my hands inky and everything wrong and falling and I made the dumbest looking card and I thought, oh hell, why do I have all this STUFF? I buy it and I don't even know how to use it. I couldn've paid a real artist to make me lovely cards for my friends with all the money I've spent on this junk. Ugh. So thanks for letting me share. I also suck in all the ways you thinkg you suck too, but worse. I challenge you to a sucking contest. Oh wait, that doesn't sound right.
    Bleck!
    Tomorrow we will suck less.
    I promise.

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  11. Is it weird that I'm happy your followers (your blog followers, sorry) got up to 90? Nice and even and only 10 more till 100 and then I guess I'm imagining you might throw some sort of party for us, with chicken dancing and warm biscuits.

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  12. I absolutely hate weddings like that. And for the record, I'm just home now after like 17 hours of traveling...see, look at me trying to "do it all" right now, and I'm about one step away from losing it if I dont get a day at home soon...

    I might wear overalls.

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  13. when i suffer from insomnia from time to time i also get up and clean things i usually never clean...in the kitchen that is...or i start to drink..drinking sactually brings me faster back to bed..i also start to clean when i m angry or when i have to think about a solution for a problem...anyway..i hate cleaning..but still its like meditation


    but enough of me...i so wanna see you the hootchie-mama-dance..right after you burned taht damned bra...freedom!!!!!!!

    thank you for another wonderful post fresh from ms moons mind located in lloud

    err*

    ah yes..what is chexmix? and do i wanna eat it???? please let me know..you know i m always up for ediable stufff..:-)

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  14. That clinches it. We ARE sisters. Do you get the odd day, once in a while when you function like other people, too? It always makes me sad. I get a million things done in one day, without too much effort, and I know there's not another one coming like that for ages.

    Oh, and I HATE going places you can't say cocksucker. What in the fucking fuck is going on there?

    I love you.

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  15. Ms. Fleur- Good advice.

    Ms. A- It's never too late for a Barbie dream cake.

    Ms. Pea- Yay!

    Bethany- I feel the same way when I try to make something. I want it to be so nice and then...it always looks like a third-grader did it whether it is a knitting project or a card. But if it makes you happy to do it, then just do it and don't worry. As to the blog followers- I am sort of in amazement about all of that. Yes, I would gladly make biscuits for all.


    Danielle- Ah- but you are a single European man! You do not have to worry about the drinking! Besides, when I get up in the middle of the night I have no desire to drink. Only to eat junk food. And Chex Mix is not worth eating. Believe me.
    And also believe you will never see the hootchi-mama dance unless you come visit.

    Mwa- Yeah! What the fucking motherfucking fuck?

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  16. well, as you can imagine, I understand you 100000 times 100 % and I just cannot understand why it is people like you and me, who are considered not normal, because we just want to enjoy life by not putting some kind of restricting belts or bra in your case ! today I wore overalls celebrating my mom's 95 years birthday, and my brothers laughed of me, but accepted it ! photo later on my blog, but back to you, when are we starting the Revolt / liberty to be able to breathe and enjoy life at your speed of time, also when we are celebrating something, it is stupid that you have to restrict your own body when you are supposed to be happy at festivities ??

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  17. Ms. Moon, I love this post, so funny and so true. I live in the yin and yang of I should do more vs I should relax more, and I never know which voice to listen to. The only work work that makes me satisfied is the kind involving animals or playing in my gardens. I have friends like yours who do it all and then some, and they look great while they do it, hair just so, outfits that make sense, while I do most of my work in my head and look like a perpetual misfit. Thank goodness I fit in here just fine.
    Sorry you have to play dressup and behave for a wedding, but maybe you can pretend its a special anniversary dinner and date with others for you and Mr. Moon - maybe dance a little and laugh a lot. I imagine that fun happens where ever you go, no matter what you wear. But oh the what to wear conundrum...with some hot flashes thrown in...I feel your pain.

    And rachel - I'm a worse mess than you minus the career - you should walk tall.

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  18. Hey, at least you're not going camping this weekend and leaving dirty dishes in your sink!

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  19. I understand. If you ever come visit me, you don't need proper shoes or a goddamn bra. I won't be wearing one either. I hate them.

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  20. I suck too. Today that is. Another day I'll be freaking awesome and everyone will bow in my wake.

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  21. What cleaning your house at 4am when you have insomnia? What? Seriously? What is this world coming to?
    Now chex and a book...that I can understand.
    Generally I hate weddings. I would far prefer the chickens, or dogs, or kids, or a book and some chex mix. I am glad it's not just me.
    So you definitely don't suck, or if you do, so do I.

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  22. Great post, Ms. Moon. My feeling is this - people who can SEE the real you, with a colourful swish of fabric wrapped about you, NO bra, bare feet, moving over the earth with the fecundity of love and beauty, THOSE are people who will SEE you and appreciate you and love you for BEING you.

    Those who Expect you to wear the Right Shoes and the Right Outfits and a BRA wouldn't know what to do with a warm biscuit and a cup of coffee and a friend and a porch and a dog and the lovely blue of sky and the peace of a windy or calm day.

    Hugs,
    Mary

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  23. I kind of have my eye on that lemon-yellow concovtion in the picture. Just-the mind boggles.

    I wish I had anything AT ALL useful to say, or barring that, something terribly clever or amusing. All I have is that I don't get shit done, when I can't sleep I am either reading or playing tetris until my eyes burm, and you know, I don't have any people who invite me to go places like weddings so I am off the hook.

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  24. Oh PLEASE say cocksucker to the bride.

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  25. Ai Yi Yi is right. It appears that both coasts have some weird energy swirling around. I hope your day is going all right. If only we could stretch across the country and hold hands.

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  26. Bibprofessor- You rock!

    Mel- I know. I am intimidated by high achievers but I love a few people who are and I can't help it.

    DTG- The bugs are going to take over your apartment when you are gone and claim it as their own. Have fun camping!

    Ms. Bastard- But you will laugh at my downward pointing nipples. I know you will. You will probably take pictures and post them on the web. But I'll still love you anyway.

    Erin- Yeah. I'm waiting for that day myself.

    Evangeline- I think my friend listens to Spanish tapes while she cleans. But I swear- you'd love her. She's awesome. And really, really funny.

    Mary- I'll try that fabric thing. Maybe I'll go dressed in saris with bindies on my face, tell everyone I turned Indian. Think that would work?

    Kori- This is a wedding for Mr. Moon's nephew. I don't get invited to many either but I think this one may take the place of about four.

    Daddy X- I will consider that option. Thanks for making me laugh.

    Elizabeth- My day is really going quite well. I hope yours is too! And I would hold hands with you no matter what kind of a day we were having. Sigh...

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  27. Ms. Moon,
    I'd beat anybody's ass who laughed at you! NO ONE WOULD EVER DARE.

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  28. I'm totally with you, I understand 100%.

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  29. How dare that couple NOT get married in Lloyd! This is what this is all about - leaving Lloyd.
    Do you still have the dress you wore to your daughter's wedding? That could be outfit #1. Then, since you're not the bride and no one will be looking at you, you can probably wear that a second day.
    Next - did you keep any of Natasha's clothes?
    Don't panic, you'll be fine. Enjoy.

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  30. I think you're all fabulous and I suck! That photo also cracks me up. Partly because I've never actually seen a dress like that or gone to a cotillion and partly because I live in Georgia and we tease the Alabamians about being Alabamian.

    Honestly, even if you DID show out, someone else would do you one better. We were once involved in a wedding that culminated in us having too much champagne and going out to our tiny truck to get it on in the heavily populated parking lot. I would feel guilty about it but while we were rockin' the Ranger, our friend was inside, screaming "Lay the pipe" and "Love is for suckers, you goddamn bastards!" during the cake cutting ceremony. Then a table of booze was knocked over and the bride's grandfather drunkenly sat on the groom's cake.

    So, you know, lighten up, Ms. Moon. It will all be fine. Embrace your uniqueness. Go in your over-alls and flip flops. Because, really? Have you been to Alabama? (Sorry, Alabamians. I just had to get one in there.)

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  31. I don't like to dress up any more and don't have the clothes for that many events, either. I so understand this!

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.