Mr. Moon is getting ready to go hunting in Canada. He leaves on Tuesday. It's cold in Canada. That's what I hear, anyway.
So he's been getting his outfits (costumes? wardrobe?) ready for the trip. This means that I have a clothesline full of camo Polartec. And thermal underwear. And socks. Heavy, woolen socks. And hats and gloves. Camo of course.
Now Mr. Moon is a large man. He's upwards in the six-foot-ten-or-so-inch range and he has long arms and long legs and very, very large feet. One pair of his quilted overall camos and two pairs of his socks is about one load for my very large washing machine. I think I did six loads of laundry so far today, all of it for him to pack and take to Canada. I don't mind because it's a beautiful day and as I noted yesterday, hanging the clothes on the line in beautiful weather is a joy of mine.
Last time he went to Canada Mr. Moon got a pair of boots to wear in the sub-freezing weather while he was hunting. These boots are so fucking big and so fucking heavy that even Mr. Moon has a hard time walking in them. Oh, they fit him but they are HEAVY! So heavy that his original plan was to WEAR the boots on the plane so he wouldn't have to pack them.
Bear with me here.
So last night he tries on the boots. First off, these boots are so huge that every time I see them I fall out of my chair laughing. These boots would be too big for Hagrid. They would dwarf Frankenstein. And Mr. Moon can hardly walk in them. So he puts them on and he gets this look on his face like maybe this is not the best idea in the world, to wear the boots on the plane.
By this point I am about to toss a lung because I'm laughing so hard.
"Honey! You can NOT wear those boots on the plane! For one thing, everyone will hate you for holding up the security line while you try to take them off and get them back on. For another thing," (and here I'm laughing again while I write this), "Those boots just SCREAM 'I have a bomb in my shoe!'"
They do. Because why in the God's name would an almost seven-foot tall man wear a boot that adds four inches to his height? Really. They would strip search his ass so thoroughly if he wore those boots that he wouldn't get to Canada until hunting season was well over.
So anyway, HoneyLuna is here today, studying, and we've been having fun just making silly jokes about things and practicing our cursing and also, we took a walk and a few minutes ago I was finally ready to sit down and write out a post for this blog of mine because GOD KNOWS I can't go a whole day without posting at least once (you'd think I was getting paid for this font of fun and wisdom here at blessourhearts) and I said, "Jessie, I need to take your picture with those boots."
All day I've known it would be wrong to do a blog post about those boots. Mr. Moon can't help it that he has very, very large feet (and there will be no joking here about large feet and their meanings- I'm serious- this is the man I am married to in holy matrimony, or at least legally and have been for 25 years so NO JOKES!!) and he'd look ridiculous if he didn't. And he'd fall over a lot, too. So all day, through yoga and through my walk and through mucking out the chicken shit and hanging camo on the line I've been fighting with my better judgment and finally I just gave in because if these boots were in your house, you'd blog about them too. I swear.
So here's Jessie demonstrating the largeness of the boots:
And Jessie's feet are not tiny. She's almost six feet tall.
And here she is trying with all her might to kick her foot up into the air like a kung-fu master with the enormous weight of the boot on her foot.
She begs of you not to click on the picture to enlarge it.
Don't listen to her.
(Please note that Jessie is not only wearing her father's boot, she is also wearing her mother's clothes.)
I told her that she should wear those boots on campus with entire sheepskins tucked down in the tops to make a point about all those girls who walk around wearing Uggs in 70 degree weather. We agreed it's just too damn bad that Halloween is over.
And to finish the story, let me say that Mr. Moon realized the folly of his plan and has ordered some different, lighter boots to take to Canada to prevent frostbite and which will allow him to walk normally and which will not get him kicked off a plane.
And because I'm having a relaxing day and still haven't washed the breakfast dishes I will end this with no philosophical discussions, no metaphorical meanings and no ranting, raving or pontificating although there is much in the news which could bring on any of those reactions from me.
No. It's Friday. Let's all just laugh. Not AT Mr. Moon's boots. Please no. But WITH his boots.
Have a good one.
Love....Ms. Moon
I will not make fun. I am 5'10" and wear size 10 shoes. I can relate to poor Mr. Moon's LARGE (yet quality) footwear.
ReplyDeleteJessie is cute as a damn bug in a rug. I'm glad she is tall, so I won't feel so awkward around all you shorties when I visit. I might even qualify as petite around Mr. Moon. Bless him.
Have a great weekend. I love you tons!
Almost everyone qualifies as petite around Mr. Moon. And nothing is going to make you feel awkward when you visit. I guarantee it.
ReplyDeleteDamn.
ReplyDeleteThose are some enormous boots alright. The concept of wearing them on an airplane is hilarious.
My uncle is a hiker. He walked from San Diego to Alaska. How cool is that?
Tell Mr M to leave some Sasquatch footprints in the wilderness ;)
Ack. Santa Barbara. Not SanDiego.
ReplyDeletemaybe i could wear them,.i m around 6,5:-)))
ReplyDeleteso ..jessie yes? i really have to visit you down there in florida ms moon..:-)
Is the 'He's Large' comment from Popeye the movie?
ReplyDeleteThat movie is my parent's movie (like a couple's song, they have a movie) and my mom used to sing, 'He needs me, he needs me, he needs me, he needs me....' all the time.
Anyways...if that wasn't a reference to Popeye the movie with Robin Williams..move along, nothing to see here.
Can't.help.laughing. not AT Ms. Moon, because I live with a hunter who has every conceivable piece of hunting gear for every weather situation imaginable, including big lunky boots like that, but thankfully not quite so large. And it is funny, it really is.
ReplyDeleteSo what is it that you don't want peopel to say about his big feet? All I have ever heard about men with big feet is that they have big...shoes.
They are some pretty big boots to fill... But I'm not tossing any lungs! (That was classic by the way!) LOVED it! I don't think I've heard you laugh like that in years. (not that you haven't) I'm just sorry I missed it!
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous Friday night.
xo pf
Ms. Jo- I think he will leave Sasquatch prints wherever he goes. And that is VERY cool about your uncle. We are all hiker-wanna-be's around here.
ReplyDeleteDanielle- She is too young for you! But I must say she is intrigued.
Erin- Yes, yes, yes! We of this family love that movie. We all do. So you nailed it. I wondered if anyone would.
Kori- Or big boots.
Ms. Fleur- Okay. Poetic license. You have a lovely Friday night too.
I needed some hilarity today, and thanks to you, I got it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteDid Mr. Moon order Kodiak boots? They would keep his feet warm. I'm suspecting he's headed to eastern Canada - if it was western Canada I'd invite him over for food and conversation!
ReplyDeleteHugs
M
Elizabeth- I am so glad I could make you laugh.
ReplyDeleteMary- No, actually he is going exactly to Edmonton, AB. If you can believe that. He's pretty scheduled up but e-mail me your phone number and if he has time, he'll call you. That would be so awesome.
Ha ha ha! Those boots on normal-sized feet are hilarious! I am a munchkin married to a man who is 6'6" and I have been putting on his shoes and laughing at myself for decades. Naturally, I love this post!
ReplyDeleteWe have the added misfortune a "common name" which caused us extra trouble when flying for a few years, but we've got it all straightened out now. But if we were planning on hiding bombs, those big-ass boots would be a good place to start!
Thanks for the laugh and good luck to Mr. Moon on his trip to the great white north. Hope he's back to you in a heartbeat or two....
and happy Friday!
Jessie is adorable. Those boots ARE crazy. Glad they entertained you and us now. This sort of post is wonderful and fun. I love that you and your kids swear together. You're the coolest mom ever. And looks like you've raised some amazing, fun, smart and super cool kids.
ReplyDeleteThis morning I was looking for my fix and typed in your blog name but misspelled blogspot and ended up on some kind of religious webpage with a big clock labled: Doom's Day Clock. I'm like, oh shit. Not a good sign.
But I feel better now. Thanks for posting. You should be getting paid (in more than all this virtual admiration and love) dammit.
I laughed so hard at this I scared my cat. Damn! I wish I'd been out there with you ladies. It would've been a laff riot.
ReplyDeleteYour family seems like loads of fun, and I would never, ever, ever make fun of someone's big feet, being a size 10 wearer myself.
ReplyDeletetoo young??? how old is she..or wait..what do you think how old i am????
ReplyDeleteShe thinks you're 45, Danielle, and the photo is your nephew.
ReplyDeleteHe's but a babe, Ms Moon. Jessie is safe!
To a degree...
I think that'd be hilarious if Jesse wore the boots on campus with the sheepskins out! Hahaha! That cracked me up about having "her own version of Uggs" in 70 degree weather.
ReplyDeleteDanielle- She's my BABY which means she's too young for anyone. Okay. Not really. How old are you? You're so...published.
ReplyDeleteJo- Really?
Nicol- I do too.
Hmmm... How old is Daniellle? He doesn't look so old to me. haha!
ReplyDeleteDanielle- Okay. You can come visit.
ReplyDeleteWait a minute... don't I get a say in this?
ReplyDeleteActually, I don't really have much to add. I know my mama looks out for me and makes good judgement calls most every time. So what is the oldest I'm allowed to date, Mama? Haha
Mel- Me too!
ReplyDeleteBethany- Ooh. That would have been scary. And as to getting paid- if I really was worried about it, I would do something about it. All y'all's words ARE my paycheck.
May- I wish you'd been here too. I do. I love you.
Ginger- Size ten ain't shit around here.
HoneyLuna- You get the FINAL word. Make no mistake about that.
6'10"!!! Holy Moley!!
ReplyDeleteAnd if Danielle comes to visit I'm driving down to Florida.
Michele Renee- It would be the proper occasion....
ReplyDeleteRemember when we used to put on his flipflops and pretend they were water skis?
ReplyDelete