Babies

When I got my hands on Owen today I breathed easy. There he was, alive and well and fussing and I took him and told him crazy chicken stories. He especially likes the chickens stories, I think. I told him that in four months or so I will scramble one of Miss Betty's eggs for him because they are tiny like he is and I will strap him into my old wooden high chair and let him eat the egg with his fingers. He seemed to like this idea and gave me a smile or two while his mama was putting on some make-up.

Then Lily settled him into his car seat which always makes him scream and we drove to the Junior Museum to hear Aunt Jessie play mandolin- his first live music. There were quite a few babies and children there, some of them dancing and I fell in love with one child after another- the little Chinese girl, the girl who looked worried, the babies who had a black father and a white mother and that soft beautiful hair which floats like an electric cloud around their faces. And the moon-faced baby who was nursing and the little boy eating grapes. So many babies.
One of the midwives from the Birth Cottage where Lily had wanted to deliver was there, pointing out which babies were "hers." She admired Owen and she and Lily chatted for awhile.

While we were there, I got a call from Billy. They are still in the hospital. Waylon is jaundiced, he has lost weight. He needs to be under the lights and Shayla is sad. They want to go home where she can nurse without someone coming to take someone's vitals as soon as the baby has latched on. It's so frustrating, being in the hospital. It seems like everything that happens there leads to another problem.

Lily and I went and got Shayla a milkshake and we went up to the hospital. Shayla IS sad. She wants to take her baby home where she can cuddle with him and feed him more than once every three hours and get in a bed with her baby, her husband. These first few days of new life are so difficult. It seems impossible to think that the dream you've had of how it will be with your infant at your breast will ever come true.

And yet, it does. It will.

Lily and I both were so sad for her. Billy was up with Waylon where he lay under the lights, holding his hand and comforting him. Shayla went up to nurse him on his schedule and we waited for Billy to come down to say hello, to kiss him, tell him everything would be okay but before we knew it, all three were back. They had "given permission" for Shayla to take Waylon to their room to nurse in private. So much performance anxiety in first nursings- is the baby's lip pulled out enough? Has he got enough of the nipple in his mouth? Is Mama holding him correctly?

And so Lily and I stayed a second and then took off, leaving this family to themselves.
They are so beautiful. They are worried. They want to go HOME. And I know that if they could, Shayla's milk could make Waylon's jaundice disappear and he would gain weight and everyone would be happy. Everyone would be fine.

On the way home, Owen as is his wont, began to cry and I told him that he was fine- he's a big boy and he knows how to nurse. Funny how much older a six-week old child is than a brand new one. He looked at me as if to say, "What do you know?" and he's right. I don't know how he feels.

But I do know how lucky I am that I was able to have my babies at home and stay there with no nurses or lactation consultants breathing down my neck, just plain old hippie mamas who watched what I did and beamed in approval as my babies rooted and sucked, swallowed and were nourished.

Waylon will be fine and he will grow up to bring his parents so much joy and so much worry- just the way all children do. He just has to figure all of this out, get his body systems working properly. But oh- it's hard until things start going smoothly. It's really hard until you can get home and snuggle down in your own bed with your baby.

I hope that day comes tomorrow for Billy and Shayla and Waylon.
That chunk of a boy, that monkey of a little man who, like Owen, has stolen my heart.
I need to learn his smell too. I need to let him hold my finger in his strong hands.
I need to see Shayla smile and Billy relax.

I hope it's soon.