I made Mr. Moon bring in the giant begonia last night. It was supposed to get down in the low thirties and that is the one plant I could not bear to lose if we got a frost. It's sitting now in the hallway by the front door, it's huge leaves each as big as a child's head and I started it from one leaf not two years ago. It takes so much patience to start things from cuttings, from seeds, from scratch. When you do it, it seems important to protect the result.
I'm low today. I feel dry. I don't think I have words but for some reason I feel I have to send some out anyway. Why is that? What do people come here for? I would like to think they come here for some sort of relief from the world and its problems. Some days. Some days maybe they come here to get their righteous anger up. Some days they come to see pictures of sky and oak trees, to hear stories of a family that loves each other. Maybe just to hear that chickens can lay blue eggs.
Some days they get "I am crazy, I am crazy, I am crazy."
Today is one of those days.
The Church of the Batshit Crazy has its doors closed today, its font of holy water is dried up because the Church of the Batshit Crazy is in my heart.
Lily had to go back to work today. She's been crying for days. And I think I am so sorrowful for her that I can't bear it. I would have lost my mind if I had had to go back to work when one of my babies was only eight weeks old. I made Mr. Moon bring that plant in because I grew it from one leaf and I can't bear to lose it.
Lily can hardly bear to leave Owen in another room and today she had to get in a car and drive to work and leave him with his daddy. I am going to take care of him for a few days next week. And Owen will be fine. It's Lily that I am worried about.
So this is in my heart and other things too and I am either completely empty or else I am too full of the crazy to feel anything else. I don't know. Hard to say. Impossible to tell.
This is one of those days.
I can't tie it together, the begonia and the baby. I can't make it all be all right in the end.
I haven't forgotten my blessings. I am just too full of the crazy to feel I deserve them.
I think I need to walk down to the creek, see if the sweet running water of the holy woods can dilute a little of the crazy. See if I can get a few drops back into the font, cross myself, pray for sustenance, go on.
I'm sorry. I hope the day gets better as it goes on. I woke up feeling a bit low this morning, but then my grandson called and said he wanted to come over and help me decorate my little Christmas tree. Now I feel better. I'm hoping I can talk his parents into letting him spend the night. He is such a snuggly little bedfellow!
ReplyDeleteHi Ms Moon,
ReplyDeleteI come for all those things and more. It's nice to check in with someone who is living an authentic life, crazy and all.
And you did tie it together, the begonia and the baby. I think too, Lily is like your begonia and you want to bring her back in the house, in from the world, protect her from her saddness about leaving O. I'm sure you are helping her by understanding the feelings and feeling them so intensly yourself. What a wonderful Mom (both of you).
Everything will be okay, like you said. But I can't even imagine the tearing feeling.
Oh and your begonia! I've never started anything from a leaf cutting, but want to. Tried once with no success. I feel hope seeing your beautiful plant.
Enjoy your walk. The wind is whipping up around these parts. But I'm going out to find myself a gourmet coffee.
Peace to you.
I like that you said "dilute a little of the crazy."
ReplyDeleteI come here for the honesty, the batshit crazy truth. To be amazed, surprised, amused, to commiserate, celebrate, and yes, for the chickens and the lovely blue eggs and the babies and the love.
ReplyDeletePoor Lily, I remember every bit of the awful I felt going back to work after eight weeks and I have no comfort but to say we survived, my heart didn't break and the guilt has lessened over the years. The minute she gets home and hugs him, everything else washes away. In a sane or perfect world, mothers would never have to make such choices.
Wishing you all well, and hoping your walk was hydrating!
Poor Lily! I feel for her...and you.
ReplyDeleteEven on days when you claim to run dry, I'm glad I came.
You know Ms. Moon, today when I saw your blog name at the top of my blogroll, I thought to myself how much I love seeing your site at the top each and every day and that for the comment today, that would be what I would write. And then I clicked on your site and read this post that was just asking for what I was thinking! So, there. That's what I come to your blog for -- its beauty and yours, its familiarity and dependability, its spirit of love and humor. I'm sorry to hear about Lily's sorrow -- I can't imagine that kind of sorrow but I do imagine that it will get better over time. That Owen-boy is hers forever.
ReplyDeleteYou know Ms. Moon, today when I saw your blog name at the top of my blogroll, I thought to myself how much I love seeing your site at the top each and every day and that for the comment today, that would be what I would write. And then I clicked on your site and read this post that was just asking for what I was thinking! So, there. That's what I come to your blog for -- its beauty and yours, its familiarity and dependability, its spirit of love and humor. I'm sorry to hear about Lily's sorrow -- I can't imagine that kind of sorrow but I do imagine that it will get better over time. That Owen-boy is hers forever.
ReplyDeleteI think we come here for the same reason that people like to talk to you. You know.
ReplyDeletePoor Lily. God, 8 weeks is no maternity leave, no time to have to leave. Too soon. Not fair!
Lois- It will be so fun when Owen is that big. I can't imagine what great times we will have. I hope you and your grandson get an entire wonderful night of snuggles and giggles.
ReplyDeleteBethany- As always, I appreciate your words more than you know.
Mel- I know she'll be okay. It's just so damn hard.
TKW- Thank-you, sweetie.
Elizabeth- Both your post and your comments today made me cry a little. I need that leaking, so thank-you.
Jo- We are not a very thoughtful country in many ways.
I am so sorry that Lilly is having to leave Owen. I can't imagine how hard it must be to concentrate while you are grieving your sweet uninterrupted bonding period. Love to them, and needless to say, we are always here to help if needed or wanted. Harley loves da babies!
ReplyDeleteI hope the waters helped you chase away the crazies. I'll call after Prairie Home. xo pf
And that little cutting will be two years old in no time too..but hve feet and hands into everything...lol. I feel that way about this geranium I've been saving for three years now. It's already thriving again from the last brutal cutting September. I cut it down to the three major plant stalks and it is already two feet by two feet.
ReplyDeleteCrazy days are crazy days. Just too bad you have to have yours on the family holiday times.
xoxoxo Charlie
Ms. Fleur- It's just cruel. We'll not be in tonight after Prairie Home. We're going to town for May's sobriety anniversary celebration. But I'll talk to you tomorrow. I have stuffing for you.
ReplyDeleteCharlie- Thank-you, dear.
When Lily gets home from work she should just get right into bed with Owen and recreate some babymoon bonding time.
ReplyDeleteHeh. Baby Moon.
I visit you everyday because you make me feel, and think. And I love hearing how you describe your life, so different but so the same. I like that you are a person I've never met but that you pop up in my dreams and I hug you. Here's to you feeling better real soon.
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ReplyDeleteI don't really know you I suppose.
ReplyDeleteBut here I am again and again.
8 weeks would kill me. Sorry I don't have wise words to offer, but of course we all do what me must.
and it would seem that Owen is well loved by many.
Jo- She got to have him at work for her hour break to nurse and love on. And she is pumping. When I talked to her, she sounded okay and Owen was too. I am sure as soon as she got home, she grabbed him up and hasn't let him go.
ReplyDeleteAnd she always sleeps with him.
Tiff- Thank you so much. And it's only twelve hours later and I DO feel better.
Deb- Yes. Owen will be taken care of only by people who love him dearly. And he will be fine.
I made it through my first day! It wasn't easy but it is over and I never have to do te first day again. Not that it makes a difference, but Owen is 9 weeks not 8. Jason brought Owen to me on my break so I could nurse and cuddle him, that made it a lot easier. When I got home he was crying and not taking his bottle. I scooped him up and nursed and rocked him for 5 minutes and he was asleep. It made me feel wonderful that I was what he wanted. (Even though it made me sad that he missed me.) Anyway I love you and I can't thank you eneough for agreeing to help take care of my sweet baby. I do not know what I would do if I had to leave him with a stranger. I am off tommorow so I will talk to you then.
ReplyDeleteLily- Oh my God! He is growing so fast I have lost track of how old he is! I am so glad that your day went okay and that you both survived and that he wanted his mommy and there you were. You see- you are his love, his life. And I feel so blessed to be able to help you. That boy is going to KNOW his grandmother and how much she loves him.
ReplyDeleteI love you...Your very proud mama
I'm so glad Lily made it. We all do somehow. It's so good they allow her to feed him at work!
ReplyDeleteThe week before my six weeks of maternity were up I dreamt that my baby and I were being chased by a boat-full of bad guys. We eventually ended up on land and I turned around and shot them all dead. My son looked up at me in fear. Partly because he had seen me kill, partly because he was reading my mind that very minute:
I suddenly realized (with horror) that I was now going to end up in jail for the rest of my life and never be able to see my baby again. The pain I felt in my heart was too much to bear.
When I woke up I was so grateful I wasn't getting life in prison. Suddenly having him at night and on weekends didn't seem AS bad.... But it's still criminal.
When I was pregnant with him I often thought how those 9 months would be the longest stretch of time I ever would spend with him in our lives...
Oh, Ms. Moon, my heart aches. I'm so sorry. I hope that today finds you in better spaces.
ReplyDeleteOh, Ms. Moon, I could feel your pain all the way across the ocean yesterday, I swear I could.
ReplyDeleteMaternity leave is pitiful in too many countries. A good friend of mine just had to go back after four weeks. It's too painful to even consider. I went back after six months, and then cried so much for two months and then I quit. I know I was so so so lucky to be able to quit, though.
Big hugs to you all.
Your heart is NEVER dry.
ReplyDeleteMy sister took care of Jack when I had to go back to work. It was such a comfort knowing that she had him. As I know Lily feels the comfort and relief knowing you will have Owen, loving him with your GINORMOUS heart.
I wish I could describe my depression I've been feeling lately as well as you do.
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