Here I am, wearing my overalls and I feel like...me.
It's a very tenuous thing. I am afraid to talk about it.
I did take my walk today. The sun came out a glory. I knew I wanted to go to town and although I procrastinated and did little getting-ready-dances for a long time, I finally went. I had washed my hair. I had shaved my legs.
I dropped off library stuff. I went to Tuesday Morning, that weird discount place where you can buy rugs and sheets and crystal and toys and kitchen stuff and I bought a new set of sheets for $38.00. They seem nice enough. Soft, and a decent thread count. But here's the thing- I bought them. I didn't just look around like a scared rabbit and then run. I stayed. I debated with myself. I bought them.
I went next door to the fabric store which was my real errand. I found a pattern to make a dress. It says you can make it in two hours but "you" is not me. I haven't made a dress in forever and ever. It will take me two hours to pin the pattern and cut it. I found fabric- a dark teal, not unlike one of the colors in Owen's quilt. It is linen mostly and a little rayon. I think I will feel like I am walking in the sea if I actually make the dress and it is fit to wear. I bought thread and I bought interfacing.
I did all of that.
I went to Office Depot. I bought ink for my printer. I bought the new Bruce Springsteen album. I paid for everything, I got in my car, I came home.
I am washing the sheets. I have cut the pattern pieces from their tissue page to pin to the cloth. My husband is home. Sweet potatoes are in the oven. The moon is rising silver and almost-full-bellied and in two days it will be the anniversary of my mother's death. I swear to you, I have been thinking that she died on January 15th for forever but no, it was the 16th. Now how could I confuse such a thing? Oh who knows? Not me.
So anyway, it will be the full moon on the 16th. The anniversary. I am wondering how it will go for me, that day. I am not projecting anything. I am just wondering.
Me. Mary Moon. Wearing overalls and wondering. Feeling like I am in a very tenuous but shining bubble of light. I went out into the world and I made decisions and once again, I didn't die.
Talk to you tomorrow.