The Time Of Year When Winter And Spring Come Together In Lloyd

The Time Of Year When Winter And Spring Come Together In Lloyd

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Well

Here I am, wearing my overalls and I feel like...me.
Me.
Me.
Mary Moon.
It's a very tenuous thing. I am afraid to talk about it.
But.

I did take my walk today. The sun came out a glory. I knew I wanted to go to town and although I procrastinated and did little getting-ready-dances for a long time, I finally went. I had washed my hair. I had shaved my legs.

I dropped off library stuff. I went to Tuesday Morning, that weird discount place where you can buy rugs and sheets and crystal and toys and kitchen stuff and I bought a new set of sheets for $38.00. They seem nice enough. Soft, and a decent thread count. But here's the thing- I bought them. I didn't just look around like a scared rabbit and then run. I stayed. I debated with myself. I bought them.
I went next door to the fabric store which was my real errand. I found a pattern to make a dress. It says you can make it in two hours but "you" is not me. I haven't made a dress in forever and ever. It will take me two hours to pin the pattern and cut it. I found fabric- a dark teal, not unlike one of the colors in Owen's quilt. It is linen mostly and a little rayon. I think I will feel like I am walking in the sea if I actually make the dress and it is fit to wear. I bought thread and I bought interfacing.
I did all of that.

I went to Office Depot. I bought ink for my printer. I bought the new Bruce Springsteen album. I paid for everything, I got in my car, I came home.

I am washing the sheets. I have cut the pattern pieces from their tissue page to pin to the cloth. My husband is home. Sweet potatoes are in the oven. The moon is rising silver and almost-full-bellied and in two days it will be the anniversary of my mother's death. I swear to you, I have been thinking that she died on January 15th for forever but no, it was the 16th. Now how could I confuse such a thing? Oh who knows? Not me.
So anyway, it will be the full moon on the 16th. The anniversary. I am wondering how it will go for me, that day. I am not projecting anything. I am just wondering.

Me. Mary Moon. Wearing overalls and wondering. Feeling like I am in a very tenuous but shining bubble of light. I went out into the world and I made decisions and once again, I didn't die.

Phew.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Love...Ms. Moon


11 comments:

Sara said...

So glad you're feeling back in your skin, Mary. I know how that is--to leave and to return. The return is always better. xoxo

SJ said...

What a year, what a year Mary Moon. It has been a long hard year and yet feels like the blink of an eye ago. On we grow.

37paddington said...

What a bright sweet bubble of light!

heartinhand said...

On the 18th it will be six years that my mother in law passed away. Today, I re-read her eulogy and laughed and cried which is what a good eulogy should do. I miss her. She was our family glue.
I sat in my house today. Well, I walked too. And scraped melty snow out of the driveway.
Sigh.

Shannon said...

I'm glad you were able to get out and about today, it's always a triumph when we can leave our safety zones and accomplish actual things.

Today I went to work and I had to park in front of the store instead of behind it, and then the thought of leaving work through the front door was so stressful that I stayed an extra four hours until closing.

You're being able to go out and run errands inspires me.

Steve Reed said...

That sounds like a pleasingly productive day, Mary Moon. I admire anyone who can sew clothing. I can't even fathom such a thing, but I can attach a button, which is something, I suppose.

Jill said...

It is so interesting to me how I come here and read posts like this and they calm the HELL out of me. I don't get it but I wont' question it.

Sounds like a great day you had.

Mel said...

I'm happy for you and envious too. You put a name to what I've been missing - feeling like Mel again.

I can't wait to see that dress and hope the hiccup in the dental issue is a small one.
xo

NOLA said...

I love Emma Thompson fiercely in overalls, but love Ms. Moon even more.

xoxo

Ms. Moon said...

Sara- The return feels like a miracle. Unexpected miracle.

SJ- You're so right, sugar. I've been thinking about your FB picture and post all day. With love.

Angella- It feels so delicate.

heartinhand- January is a damn cruel month. It is a testament to your mother-in-law that you still cry and laugh, six years later.

Shannon- Lord, how I can relate. Well, you can't force yourself sometimes. You just have to wait for the right time.

Steve Reed- You know, my generation of women were taught to sew as girls. Both at home and in school and it was a joy to me. I hope maybe it still is.

Jill- Maybe because when I write them, I am calming myself? Whatever. I am just glad it works for you.

Mel- Sometimes I'm not even sure who Mary is. Or was. And especially who she will be. It's odd. And I hate it.

NOLA- Do you think she's stealing my fashion ideas?

Syd said...

It's good to feel okay being out in the world. I had a good day and all seems to be something that I don't feel sad about. I am getting back on track.