Friday, January 31, 2014

Comments And So Forth

Dammit, dammit. I went to add a few replies to comments this morning and all of the replies I'd left last night were not there. I either did not post them properly or else they got disappeared by Blogger.
I am sorry.
I spent a good half hour doing that last night- replying to comments on my yesterday morning's blog and felt guilty because I hadn't replied to the comments the day before. I cherish the comments y'all leave me and because of the topics discussed lately- anxiety, depression, doctors, medication- I've gotten a lot of them and I've gleaned something from them that I could never get anywhere else. Your experiences have mirrored many of my own and they give me comfort and things to think about and validation and new avenues to explore and they are priceless in my mind and if I ever thought about the amount of time I spend here, writing out my life and wondering if its worth it, all I have to do is realize that I am touching the nerves of many, quite obviously, and I know it is. Worth it and worth it and worth it.
Which is why it's so important to me to answer comments. I don't even know if people come back to read what I've said. Sometimes that doesn't even matter. I just want to know that I've done my part in the conversation. I have acknowledged your effort and made it clear how much I appreciate it.

Does any of this make sense?

Anyway, care-taking the boys takes a lot of energy. The long days leave me with not much more than the energy to cook our supper, tidy up and take a shower. But as I do these things, I think about all of the things you all have said. And last night I did grab that half hour while supper was cooking to sit down and write my thoughts back to you and now they're not there and well...that's the story.

I'm feeling okay this morning. Not what I'd call cheerful or overly energetic but okay. The boys are coming again soon. It will be another long day but it's going to warm up and I can hear the mockingbird calling full-throated. I think it's a mockingbird. Some lovely liquid notes and the tiny birds and cardinals are rushing the feeder and although the sun is not out and the sky is gray, there is a lifting of the feeling of dense heaviness which the last few days have held. Yesterday's ice has all melted and I have actually seen Japanese Magnolias trying to bloom and soon the redbud will burst forth and I will be shocked once again to see it.

Thank you, all of you and I keep saying that and I mean it with all of my heart. You keep me from drowning sometimes and as I write these words my eyes fill with the fullness of my heart which comes from your words. You may not always know how much they mean to me but trust me- more than you can imagine.

All right. Let's have a good Friday.

Much love...Ms. Moon

10 comments:

  1. Don't worry about the comments Mary. I'm just grateful you are here and that you write your truth. Off topic, I went back and looked at the two videos of the boys you posted recently (I couldn't bring them up on my phone and Im on my comp now) and omg I laughed! Those boys are so freakin adorable! How do you stand it? But yes, the energy is definitely coursing through them! Lord, they are genius boys indeed with a genius grandma. More videos!

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  2. I don't comment that often because I can't add anything other than each time I read your blog ... I know I'm not alone.

    You are every woman. Your writing touches me ... I have you on my blog roll and when you update ... I read it. sometimes I wish you'd update every hour ;)

    I feel the same way about comments, I love answering them whether anyone comes back and reads or not... my blog is for me to get as much stuff running around in m'brain aired out... and, oh, baruther ~ sometimes I feel I go too far and my readers will bite my ass ... that's ok ... sometimes but sometimes through all my attempts at glossing everything over with humor ... it would be swell if 'they' understood....

    Your medical anxiety is ... right up my alley. I.. well? all yer stuff... just wanted to let you know that your blog is one I will not miss ~ have it bookmarked on my iPhone ;)

    I plan on having a stellar day .. I always do .. but being old ... I know Murphy lurks... ha

    your redbuds are about to bloom? oh boy ... Spring is my favorite season.. daffodils ... forsythia and ornamental pear trees... I'm gonna go fetch pictures to just look at instead of this gray ... brown leafed looking day ...

    thanks Ms. Moon … ;)

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  3. Here's what I know.
    I think, in my not so professional opinion, that you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. You don't have panic attacks. So what's a poor doc to do? Try to mellow you out with a little Valium, but really, for GAD, the best course of treatment WITHOUT a little pill is to learn relaxation tequniques that teach you how to shut down your thinking. Your negative self talk, your internal dialogue that tells you crazy shit, is making you feel this way.
    What worked for me was a workbook I got on Amazon that helped me work through what was the root of my anxiety and depressive feelings. Another thing was a relaxation and meditation audiobook that uses hypnotherapy to calm and teach you how to visualize peace.
    Those are NOT quick fixes, they are things that have to be absorbed and learned and re-learned, but they aren't a pill or a drug, and they take the edge off when you can master them.
    I've also learned in my travels, that anxiety and anger are opposing thoughts that you cannot maintain at the same time. You want to beat anxiety? Get mad.
    Doctors are quick to prescribe pills to everyone because everyone is so sad and everyone is looking for a cure.
    You have times of profound joy. You will be okay.

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  4. I commented on that post and it's not there, so probably Blogger ate em.
    Love to you Mary Moon.

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  5. Sometimes I leave comments on blogs that have word verification and unless I get the words right it doesn't appear. Some blogs will prompt and say that I got it wrong but others don't so I assume the comment went through but it didn't. I know this makes no sense. My brain is functioning on low today.

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  6. Angella- Owen is definitely camera shy these days. Or camera-resentful, perhaps. I admit to over-doing it in the picture-taking department. Gibson will still pose or chat, usually.

    Carolyn- You made me laugh with "Murphy lurks." Indeed Murphy does lurk but I had a beautiful day. I hope you did too.

    Heartinhand- Name of the workbook, please?

    Maggie May- Oh Blogger. I can hardly complain because it is the platform which brings me so much joy. And is FREE! Love to you, too, darling girl.

    Birdie- It always pays to take the extra seconds to make sure the comment was posted. Sigh...

    Lora-I am so glad to know that you are still here. Your children are probably in college now, right? Love back to you and your beautiful family.

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  7. Ms. Moon, I mentioned a few days ago that I have begun having panic attacks. This is in addition to the depression and generalized anxiety I've had for decades. Anyway, I wanted to let you know about something that has been helping me a lot, and I think it might prove to be a real "cure" for my anxiety in the long run. It's called "Calm Clinic" (online). They give you a free trial, but then charge you $78 (total for the whole program), 2 payments of $39 each, for the entire program. There are videos, which are more like power points, really, for the first 5 days, then one each week. You do written exercises, etc. BUT, also, for free, the website has a ton of information about managing anxiety, through relaxation techniques, etc. I've been faithfully following the (purchased) program, as well as incorporating some of the free stuff from their website. The woman who narrates the video/power points makes so much sense, in the way she explains the origins of anxiety, that I am actually beginning to believe I may kick this anxiety once and for all. In the meantime, I do need 1 or 2 tiny xanax each day. A day that I only need 1, is, to me, a good day. Check out the calm clinic website if you have a chance. Lots of good stuff. And keep writing. WE need you!

    Elizabeth O.

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  8. Blogger has been acting weirdly. Anyway, glad that you are feeling better. It is going to be a rainy week here. But I am happy to have spent a few days on the boat.

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  9. I always admire your ability to keep up with comments on your blog and respond to them. I try to do that now and then but I could never do it with such regularity, and I DO feel guilty about that. But hey, I know my shortcomings and I acknowledge them. :)

    Blogger HAS been a bit weird lately. I think they must be going through some growing pains over there at Google.

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