Monday, January 27, 2014

Double Down, All In On Crazy

I just did something I've been needing to do for forever.
I called my primary care provider (a Nurse Practitioner) and made an appointment for a physical. It's been way too long and I need to do that and I need to set up appointments to get blood work and a mammogram and since I'm turning sixty this year, a colonoscopy and all of that stuff which absolutely terrifies me.
That is not an exaggeration.
I am shaking at this moment.

But. I did it.

Wednesday at eleven.

And how's this for irony? I am going to have to ask for medication to help with this anxiety and it's because of the prospect of walking into that office that I have the anxiety.

This has been going on for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, perhaps eight or nine, my stepfather said that I should go see a psychiatrist about my fear of doctors and I can remember the terror I felt then- going to a doctor to get help with my fear of doctors?

I don't even visit Dr. Google. I am not that sort of hypochondriac. I have said this before and it's the truth- I will rearrange my route somewhere so I do not have to pass the hospital. That's how bad it is.
And yes, I AM a registered nurse.

I am gulping Valerian root tea at this moment. I am going to take a walk. Beyond that, I am going to hang in. I know I am being illogical and ridiculous. In short...insane. This is how crazy I've been lately- my husband is talking about us taking a trip to Cozumel sometime in late spring and I can't even wrap my head around the concept of that.
That is how completely insane I am.
The prospect of the Yucatan, of the magical island of Cozumel, is something I can't even bring myself to believe in at this moment.


  1. I have an appointment in February with a new primary care doc since my old one quit his private practice and went to work for an urgent care center. this really bums me out cause I really liked him. I'm terrible about going to the doctor but not because I fear them. just, don't wanna go. can't remember how many years it's been since I had a pelvic or mammogram. I have such small breasts that they have a hard time getting enough on the plate to smoosh so I figure lumps would have a very hard time hiding.

  2. I would be less scared to hop on a rocket ship to Mars than go to a doctor for a physical. I'm as bad or worse than you are. I hang out with nurses and they give me the heebie jeebies.
    You might feel crazy now, but you are braver than me!

  3. So wonderful of you to make this happen in the face of your fear. So wonderful.

  4. Ellen Abbott- It's just so embarrassing to be a human in this human body. For me, anyway. And terrifying. And yet...why? I am not afraid of dying.

    heartinhand- It comforts me to know that I am not alone. Thank you.

    Lisa- That was so sweet of you! Thank-you so much for those kind words.

  5. oh Ms. Moon - I am so sorry. I totally understand it though. I really do. The fear...the anxiety. Very proud of you for making the appointment. Be kind to yourself today. Hugs from Minnesota. -Marcia

  6. OMG, well you know I get it. Although I don't get the anxiety quite as bad, I still want to throw up the morning of my physicals. I am so so so proud of you for making all these appointments. We need you healthy and around.

  7. That is a massively brave thing to do. More power to you I say.

  8. Hallo my darling. I am so very proud of you. That was very brave indeed.

    Hey. Those deviled eggs were BEAUTIFUL. :) Can't wait to see you again.

    All my love.


  9. You took a big step just making the appointment. Good for you. Now just one foot in front if the other and it will be behind you soon. Cozumel will arrive when it does. No need to worry about packing for a trip yet. Just imagine already being there. It's sweet of your man to think of it.

  10. Your step father said YOU should see a psychiatrist when you were 8 or 9 because of your fear of doctors? is it me or is this odd? Could he be part of the reason you are afraid of doctors???? I am proud of you nonetheless. Take the medication if you need it. Sweet Jo

  11. Just catching up on your blog and I thought my anxiety about going to the doctor was bad, but I think yours might be worse. I hope everything goes well at your appointment. By the way, my daughter-in-law Shanna was at the same bridal shower as you were the other day. She is my youngest grandson's sweet mommy!

  12. I didn't used to dislike doctors. They gave me balloons and candy and I used to have to go constantly with my ear infections and such. But as an adult, I really dislike them. maybe it's because I've moved so much and they are all strangers touching my body and asking about my health and where I've been, what I've done. I just don't like strangers that close to me, sticking their fingers in places. Gives me the sweats. But I'm glad you are going. We all need to go. They are ultimately trying to help us. All will be well. Absolutely.

  13. For me it's the dentist.
    Sending you strength!

  14. You're doing the right thing and you'll make it through the valley. I'm glad.

    I understand the doctor & hospital fear. I used to have to sit with my head between my knees before I could go into a hospital room to visit.

    Having cancer treatment cured my fear. I don't love doctors & hospitals now but it's easier than a date with the undertaker.

  15. I hope everything goes smoothly, and when it's all over, I hope you walk out into the waiting room, make eye contact with at least one person... and then shrug slightly and say, Meh..."

  16. Cozumel! Woo hoo! It will sink in. Just give it time. :)

    Meanwhile, best of luck with the physical. And look at it this way -- when it's over you won't have to go back for years! (Insha'allah, as the Muslims say.)

  17. Marcia- Thank you. Thank you for taking time to comment so sweetly.

    SJ- Maybe the medical profession should figure out a way to make this less stressful for people. They would certainly get more folks willing to come in and get their exams.

    Sabine- Oh. You are the brave one. Always.

    Lis- You're so sweet. Damn but I miss you.

    Angella- I think he must already be planning a hunting trip to Canada for next year! This is how it goes.

    Sweet Jo- Yeah well. I think maybe he was torturing me. Who knows? In his own creepy way. But I think I already had that fear when he came into my life. I'm sure I did.

    Lois- Tallahassee is a small town, isn't it? I'm glad to see you here. I hope all is well with you.

    Rachel- It's so true. All of it. They ARE trying to help us but I don't want them in my business. God I can't wait for this to be over.

    Denise- And as we know, I've been going through the dentist thing too. I don't like that one bit either.

    Kathleen Scott- Well, that's a very tough way to be cured of a phobia but I sure am in awe of you for making it through, not being afraid any more.

    Nancy- I'll try.

    Steve Reed- Yes. Sooner started, sooner ended. Thank you.

  18. A little of some kind of anti-anxiety medication may be all you need. It's okay. Glad that you are taking care of yourself.

  19. Syd- I am hoping, maybe. Thanks.


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