Artwork by Owen. Pretty much how I feel.
Monday morning and all is pretty well here in Lloyd. I took the trash down to the trash depot and it looks like someone's dumped three adolescent cats. Damn.
I did not watch the Golden Globes last night but I wish I had. I did watch the opening dio-monologue by Fey and Poehler and it was wonderful. It really caught my ear when they said something about Matthew McConaughey's amazing forty-five pound weight loss to play the role of a man suffering from AIDS in The Dallas Buyer's Club. What Tina Fey said was something like, "And wow! for Matthew McConaughey, losing all that weight, or, as actresses call it, 'being in a movie.'"
The whole room sort of laughed uncomfortably because you know what? That shit is true.
I thought The Dallas Buyer's Club was a very fine movie and I think that McConaughey and Jared Leto certainly deserve the awards they got for their roles in the movie and yes, McConaughey (and Leto too, for that matter) were scary skinny BUT, it struck me while I was watching the movie that neither one of them was that much skinnier (if at all) than most leading ladies these days and NO ONE SAYS A WORD ABOUT THEIR RIBS OR BREASTBONES OR HIP BONES. They're supposed to look like that. But with huge boobs. Right?
It's actually no more normal for a woman to have all of her skeleton exposed than it is for a man, no matter what our culture tells us.
And I guess that's all I need to say about that right now.
Can you tell that I'm still sort of whacked on drugs? And I'm not taking drugs. I don't know. Maybe it's not the drugs. Maybe it's just my poor brain which had been so completely consumed with the anxiety and then hit with all those lovely, lovely narcotics and benzos (thanks for teaching me that term, Rebecca!) and the complete cessation of any anxiety at all for full day and I have to tell you- I just cannot and will not judge anyone for becoming addicted to drugs that make you feel that way. I love drugs! Well, that sort. And no, I'm not going to go out and try to score any but I sure do understand why people would and it's just a damn good thing I never once did heroin or I probably would have done it until I died.
So that's my little drug talk for the day.
But I honestly do feel as if my brain chemistry is a hot mess. I'm not exactly anxious and I'm not exactly depressed and I'm not exactly feeling "normal" either although I don't remember what "normal" feels like, even for me.
Plus, I'm not exercising, plus my diet is shite.
I need to do better. I will.
I'm going to go trim up my porch plants and water them and hope for the best. And this afternoon I'm going into town to watch my boys for awhile. So I'm easing back into "real" life, I guess. I don't know. As I may have said here before once or twice, I don't now shit.
I'm just doing the best I can and so are you. Mostly, I think we all are, although the set of the bar can be pretty variable. For one person it may mean running a Triathlon, for another it may mean walking up (or down!) one flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator. For one person it may mean writing a novel and for another it may mean reading a novel. For one person it may mean winning a Golden Globe and for another it may mean not becoming a junkie.
Well, I guess there could be some overlap there.
All right. Go eat a piece of fruit or take a walk or write a poem or do something cool. I'll be sitting right here, cheering you on.