About the most interesting thing I have done today is to run into the brass swinging lock thing on the back door with my thigh. It hurt.
"Shit," I said, and went on with my boring day.
I have been useless. USELESS!
I threw that dress away. It is now in the garbage along with all of the scraps and the pattern. Bu-bye, ugly dress! I had run it through the wash to see if that process might make me like it more. It did not. It made the fabric scratchy. I laid it back over the ironing board to contemplate my options and then a little while later in a fit of who the fuck cares? and what does it matter? I gathered it up and I tossed it in the trash can.
We can take "seamstress" off the list of things I might possibly be when I grow up.
Oh, but how that list is dwindling.
This pretty much leaves things like:
Woman Who Can Still Walk At The Age Of Sixty
Uh...I Can't Think Of Anything Else
So, yeah. I've been completely useless today and have accomplished nothing beyond clearing the sewing things out of the dining room. I wiped down the wall behind the kitchen sink where all the tiny black ants are marching in columns but within ten minutes, replacements plus had shown up. I have no idea what that's about. Nor do I really care. I know that nothing I can do is going to stop their determined madness and they will disappear at some point.Nature.
I was talking to May on the phone a little while ago and I said, "I just want to get out of here! I want to flee! I want to leave it all behind!"
She said, "Do you want to change your clothes, your hair, your face?"
"Yes!" I said. "Well, I like my hair okay. But god. My clothes! I need to throw them all away. I wear things like overalls that are so worn out they're held together with diaper pins!"
"That's all right," she said. "You live in the country."
The country of the having-given-up, obviously.
So that is me today, tonight. Mr. Moon is on his way but will only race into the house to get his truck keys and drive to town to watch an FSU basketball game.
And it's going to freeze like hell tonight and I'm not even going to say, Oh, but I know it's so much worse in other parts of the country.
It's always worse somewhere else. You can just bet your ass on that. So what? In the mood I'm in, I don't care. I am here. Where it's going to be really, really cold.
Well, that's all right. Tomorrow I'm going to town to help Lily get things together for a bridal shower she's giving on Saturday. This will make me feel needed, it will make me feel as if I have a life! It is all illusion, it is all but a moving dream behind a hazy scrim or some such shit but who doesn't need an illusion? God knows I do.
Talk to you tomorrow.