Monday, October 7, 2013

Maybe We're Just All Fucking Idiots


I probably did too much today and that wasn't much and I didn't get a nap and you want to know why I didn't get a nap? Well, because I am a fucking idiot, of course. 
I got a text from Mr. Moon today at around 1:30 saying that he would be here in about an hour to pack and leave for auction, that he just had to go pick up his rental car and run to the library and of course I knew that it was going to take longer than an hour. If all he had to do was to go get the rental car and drive it back here, it would take an hour, so add in the library time and whatever else he had to do before he left (and there's always more that he has to do before he leaves) and okay, maybe two hours. 

Now here's the thing. We joke around here about "Glen Time" but it's not really a joke because that man will look at a job that a normal human being would think might take, oh, two or three days at the least and Mr. Moon will be pretty darn sure he can whip that puppy out and still have plenty of time to eat lunch and then go fishing before the sun goes down. He's always done this, it's the way he is, and once in a while he's right but mostly, he's not and that's okay. I always take Glen Time into consideration but let me just say right now that when you are standing up there saying your wedding vows and are so suffused with love for the person standing there with you that you're the most beautiful you've ever been in your life and you are quite certain that no one in the history of all the universe has ever loved with the sort of love you have, you have no idea that in thirty years, it'll be the tiny things like Glen Time that will make you insane. No. You stand there in your wedding finery and you would promise anything, ANYTHING AT ALL (sure, I'll help you raise beef cows, whatever you want, my darling!), not realizing that you are not only promising to love and be faithful to and stay with this person through sickness and health (what? us get sick? NEVER) and you have no idea that you'll get wrinkles and he'll get wrinkles and that's all right, that is ALL RIGHT, wrinkles are just where the smiles have been (haha!) and that one day you'll be sort of sick and wanting a nap but you don't want to fall asleep before he gets home to leave for auction and you want to make sure he has a snack bag and that you'll be able to make his barrel of popcorn so you wait to take your nap and although you KNOW it's going to take more than an hour, you have no idea that it's actually going to take over two and a half hours and that by the time he leaves the house it will be way too late for a nap unless by "nap" you mean that you're going to fall asleep until approximately 2 a.m. and then you'll wake up and be awake for the rest of the night.

You didn't think of any of that while you were putting on your wedding dress, now did you? And it wouldn't have mattered if you had. Because you were so in love that by the very definition of your love-hazed state of mind you were a fucking idiot. 

Sigh.

Oh well. I drank a little espresso and I've just been laying around watching "Ancient Aliens" which I love anyway. I just watched one on Leonardo Da Vinci, who, according to ancient alien theorists, absolutely had training from aliens because how else do you explain all those pictures and plans of helicopters and submarines and shit? Or the Mona Lisa's smile? Huh? You can't. So...ancient aliens! I wish I had a nickel for every time they use the phrase, "according to ancient alien theorists" because I could order a pizza and have a fucking cab deliver it. 
But of course you know I sort of believe all that shit. Especially when they get those guys on to talk who have English accents. You have an English accent and I'll believe anything you say. Hell, if Dick Cheney had an English accent, I'd probably believe him. 
Well, probably not. 

Anyway, I'm waiting on my husband to call and tell me that he made it to his motel safely because here's another thing you don't realize when you stand up there getting married, making all those insane promises- after thirty years you love that man so much more than you ever could have imagined when you said those words and exchanged those rings and gave each other kisses that it's unbelievable. That you will wake up four times a night just to make sure he's in the bed next to you and breathing. That you will come to truly realize that eventually one of you IS going to get sick and dammit, you're probably not going to die in the same instant and you hope with all of your heart that you go first because there's no way you can imagine life without that person. 
Even if he does insist on using Glen Time. 
You can't imagine a life that doesn't involve Glen Time.

All right. That's all I have to say tonight because if I say any more I'm going to start crying like a baby and there's no need for that. All is well. I need to go put up the chickens and go watch some more Ancient Aliens. 

I'll just add this- we may be idiots when we stand up there and make those love-drunk promises but if everything works out well, it turns out that you're the most brilliant fucking idiots on the face of the planet. 

And maybe that's what Mona Lisa knew. Either that or...ANCIENT ALIENS! 

Love...Ms. Moon





22 comments:

  1. Love. Something as prfound as gravity. Or centrifugal force. And it has it's own time zone.
    Sleep well after you talk to your sweet, sweet man.

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  2. My favorite of this post: "You have an English accent and I'll believe anything you say." You says some good shit Ms. Moon.

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  3. Oh yeah. I did that this morning when I woke up before my husband, checked to make sure he was still breathing. I hate that part.

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  4. I stood up and was a witness at my very first wedding I've ever attended where there were two brides :) It's finally legal here in DC, and these are the first friends to trek here and make it legal and right.

    It must be a marriage-monday, today. I love hearing about yours.

    PS-stop taunting me with those snack bags that I can NEVER HAVE!

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  5. Denise- And Mother Nature's trick to get us to breed. Yep. Still, it's something. Whether it lasts a lifetime or not. It's something.

    Jill- You know it's true. We Americans think anyone with a British accent is brilliant. BRILLIANT!

    Ellen Abbott- It's so true. I understand.

    SJ- The first wedding I ever officiated had two brides. And then there was Billy and Shayla. Nah, they weren't legal but they sure were real. And honey, there is nothing special about those snack bags. They contain: Chex Mix, mixed nuts, fruit, energy bars from the Costco, something sweet (today that was some fruit cobbler that I made with peaches and berries and a nut topping) and paper towels. Then there's the coffee drink (espresso and chocolate syrup and milk over ice) and the VAT of popcorn. Okay. That's a lot. I admit it. It keeps him awake. Which keeps him alive.

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  6. That all sounds special! I admit it -I just like people to make me things. If I make it myself, I don't want it anymore ;)

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  7. SJ- I admit that I am exactly that way about salads. I make delicious salads but they never taste as good as the salads I get in restaurants. Why IS that?

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  8. Here is an awful thing: Last week when I got home Mike was so sound asleep on the couch that he didn't make a peep & I thought "oh no! but I'm not going to check yet because I have GOT to go to the bathroom & if he's dead it will just have to wait." He wasn't dead thank goodness because after the fact I was really annoyed with myself!

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  9. The Bug- I have done that too. Sometimes my husband falls asleep so hard in his chair that I have a hard time waking him up. And I always think of a book that Larry McMurtry wrote called "The Desert Rose" where this very same thing happened and if you haven't read the book, you should.

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  10. Ha.

    :-)

    I love reading anything you write. It relaxes me. :-)

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  11. You are so darn funny and then you make me cry with the sweetness of it. The truth of it. I've been thinking about those vows too and what we knew and the universe that we didn't and how even knowing what I know I'd do it again. I think that makes us lucky fucking idiots

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  12. Nicol- So you're saying I'm really boring? No. I understand. Hell, I love to watch the chickens scratching in the dirt.

    Angella- I'd say you were right!

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  13. Salads are ABSOLUTELY better when someone else makes them.

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  14. I can't stop watching BBC shows because they seems to be more evolved than all the other crap out there. Now you have me thinking it is just the accents. Damn!

    Still, Call the Midwife is brilliant and I don't who disagrees.

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  15. This post was like going on a ride at an amusement park for me. I read it a few times and I too wish I had someone to make me a snack bag. Your love for Mr Moon is sweet and if I wasn't so tired I would shed some tears. But you are funny too. In fact you're a hoot. It would be awesome to here about Glen Time from Glen. Sweet Jo

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  16. OK, you made the point that I was going to make, which is that you're not fucking idiots at all if everything turns out well -- which in your case it sounds like it has, Glen Time aside. :)

    At least your husband isn't building a layered construction of organ meats that he expects you, the former (and still inner) vegetarian to try and enjoy.

    Just sayin'. We all have our crosses to bear!

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  17. Well written and a true life lesson for one. You picked the right man Ms Moon. You did.

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  18. I'm always telling my boyfriend off for operating on Boy Time, understand completely!

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  19. The English accent.... Thanks!

    When our daughter was a girl who loved pink Barbies she actually cried when she found out that when her mum and dad married they did not exchange The Vows like any good Hollywood movie couple but instead stood there in an English registry office for a few minutes and signed a piece of paper. And that was it. There are days when I'd love to have a couple of vows to bang about my prince's head, mind you. It's all a matter of training, ha! I am fooling myself.

    As you reminded me today: well, it's only love and it's only love.

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  20. Love for life is a profound thing. I do the same thing--reach over and touch her in the night and encircle her in my arms. Love.

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  21. SJ- It is absolutely true.

    Birdie- That show is genius and I love it.

    Sweet Jo- Glen is so busy being on Glen Time that he would never write on my blog. Does that make sense? Thanks for riding this particular roller coaster with me.

    Steve Reed- Yes, but I do have to cook a lot of venison. Which I would never, in a million years, have done if I hadn't fallen in love with a hunter.

    Photocat- I think he picked me. I still don't know why exactly. Good breeding stock? I think that has a lot to do with it.
    That and biscuits.

    Agnes- It is fairly universally true, isn't it?

    Sabine- It IS only love and that's all there is.

    Syd- We are the lucky ones, aren't we?

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  22. Damn woman, you can write.
    Love you dearly

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