Tuesday, October 22, 2013

An Unnatural Being

It's drizzling and we need the rain. The temperatures are supposed to begin dropping today, going to be in the forties after tomorrow. "With temperatures like that, you might as well move to Asheville, Mom," says Jessie. She is wearing the cutest skirt ever and her legs are fourteen feet long. She is incandescent, she doesn't walk across the floor, she dances, she floats, she shimmer-shimmy shakes. Vergil's already been for a run with Greta. Mr. Moon has gone to work.
I'm sitting here in my black overalls and a black shirt and my hips feel like fire and I am wrapped in some stupid damn hell fuck membrane of despair and I don't even know why.

We're supposed to have a girly day today. Me and my daughters and who wouldn't want to do that? I am not sure what that means but it may include buying make-up and having manicures and pedicures. I can hardly even imagine such a thing. I feel as far from a girl as it's possible to be and still remain in a female-gendered body, still identify (sort of) as female.
I don't feel as if I have a gender. I am feeling neither male nor female. I am merely feeling old.

I woke up at two-thirty in the morning. I started to think about Christmas and I began to feel all those feelings that always come up and I thought, I can't go through this again. And then I thought, I don't have to think about this now.

I feel like an unnatural being. I do not love dogs, I am neither male nor female. I hate Christmas and dread the depression which that day brings me so much that it wakes me up in October, it haunts my sleep.

Well. I will take some Ibuprofen. I will wash my hair and shave my legs. I will see my daughters and my grandsons. I will apologize all damn day for being such a black hole of negativity. I will try to remember that this is my life and it is good and I am blessed beyond all measure. I will appreciate the rain as it falls.

The camellias are budding up. I will think about that, how in a few months when winter is at its bleakest, there will be color and beauty, reds and pinks and whites.
Pink Perfection. I will think of Pink Perfection.

I will kiss my grandsons, I will listen to my daughters as they shimmer-shimmy-shake-twitter-giggle like jeweled birds, their beautiful eyes flashing.

Good morning.


  1. I'm getting ready to head out for my first root canal, which is filling me with anxiety beyond what it merits. I hate going to the dentist. Sigh.

    But I hate shopping more, I believe. I was quite a disappointment to my mother.

    I'm wishing you joy in the company & toleration for the activity :)

    And now I shall start considering Christmas. Sigh.

  2. Well.

    I had my first Christmas anxiety dream last night, so thanks for sending that juju ;) How bizarre. My stepdad haaaates christmas and always sprials down into depression and makes it miserable for the rest of us. My mother also hates the entire thing, and I get pissed and resentful because I get time off and come all the way home and for what? Everyone to be pissed?

    I hate the whole damn thing. I am tired and mad to be back at work too. Gray day.

  3. It must be this Octoberry light that brings on the despair. I feel it too. I feel the oldness. I've had a hitch in my get along the last two days and now Christmas looms. Oh shit.

  4. I think it's admirable to try to think about the camellias and that sort of thing, but honestly, I wonder if you should just go with your anxiety -- just feel it, let it be, but know that it will pass. That's what my Zen teachers used to advocate -- feeling your feelings, not resisting them. The resistance has got to be more exhausting than the actual feelings, I would think. (Admittedly I do not have much practical experience with anxiety specifically.)

  5. It's the expectations of what we should do or be that bring the tyranny of despair, the sense of never being able to measure up, not knowing how to weave the magic we wish we could, at least it's that for me. Dear Mary, your loved ones ask for nothing if you but to love you and be with you. Let your shimmery girl direct the day. Just flow along. She is your magic. You are ours. Hugs dear one.

  6. oh god, is it Christmas again? I don't think we have any plans this year and I'm kind of looking forward to it! Don't succumb to the box store mentality... it is NOT Christmas yet, no matter how much they try to sell it to you. I think there's a lot of fall still to be had. xoxo

  7. Time for a meeting of Coast-to-Coast Community of Crones. What is it with the hips? Mine hurt all day yesterday. Dang.
    And have I told you about my dog-sharing plan? Yeah--no one household would have complete responsibility for a canine. If I lived closer, I'd take yours for part of the day. Really. When my kids were small and we had 2 dogs, 3 cats, and assorted pet rodents, if anyone told me they were considering getting a pet of any kind, I would try to dissuade them by telling them how much less trouble kids were.
    I hope you go out with your girls and have some fun--or at least some dog-free time. xo

  8. What you are describing sounds similar to the seasonal depression that has gripped me every year of my adult life with icy fingers. I always felt it coming on in October like wolves at the door. This year I have started taking Wellbutrin and it's helped so much. I would never advocate for anyone to go on or off medication, that's just my experience. I know you will find your own moonlit way out or through.

    I do like Angella's comment, and she's right. Your loved ones only need you to be you. It's ok to be genderless for a bit, I think.

  9. If I didn't think Mr. Moon would mistake me for a prowler and put a bullet in my arse, I would sneak over there at midnight on Christmas Eve, climb a tree nearest the house, inch my way onto the roof, and make Reindeer and sleigh-bell sounds. That would be my gift to you, a little sprinkle of splendor, and wonder, and magic.

    Note to self: learn to make reindeer sounds.

  10. Big, big sigh. I think we need to organize a crone community gathering in Mexico. Why the hell not? Seriously. Why the hell not?

  11. The Bug- Oh god. I hope the root canal went okay and that they gave you good drugs.

    SJ- As I said- pointless ritual. Ridiculous. I'm sorry.

    Ms. Yo- Oh shit is right. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

    Steve Reed- This is not anxiety. This is depression. I am just trying to keep a light on somewhere. I don't feel capable of trying to fight it. Trust me.

    Angella- I couldn't even hang all day. I did what I could and that part was good. Thank you, sweetness, for those kind words.

    Rachel- Yes. And it's hunting season too. Fall is...full of potholes.

    Denise- I don't want any part of a dog. But your idea is a good one. Why do our hips hurt? Are we tired of walking upright? Maybe. Maybe we should just all make nests in trees like our foremotherapes.

    Ms. Vesuvius- I used to be on the drug. It helped a lot when I needed it.

    Nancy- Oh dear. I would probably have a heart attack. You're sweet though. So very, very sweet.

    Elizabeth- Yeah. Fuck those Red Hat women. Let's just be crones and drink a lot of tequila in Mexico. Gaze at the water and...just...be.

  12. I used to dread Christmas but since I took it upon myself to take charge of how I spent it, it became joyous for me again. You'd puke to hear I already have my Christmas cards ready to address and I've already purchased two Santas from Costco for my collection.
    Oh god, you must think I'm the anti-Christ with my love of dogs and Christmas!
    I usually have my emotional meltdowns in January after a few months of cold and snow. Sigh.

  13. heartinhand- I certainly don't think you're the anti-Christ. I know that many, many people love Christmas AND dogs. Some of my best friends...
    It's okay.

  14. Well, by all means, keep a light on in any way you can. I am certainly not discouraging that. :)

  15. I foresee Cozumel in your future for Christmas. We decided we won't do much at Christmas this year. We may just skip it.


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