This hasn't been an emotionally healthy day for me today. I'm not sure what's going on but I'm having trouble handling it. My soul feels closed off and dry. I have anxiety. I went to the grocery store and sat for a moment in the parking lot to try and figure out what I was feeling. My head pounded and my feet felt very, very far away. I thought to myself, "Oh, this is ridiculous," and got out and went into the store that I know as well as I know my own backyard and did my shopping and bought food and paper towels and fabric softener and it was fine but the entire time I was in there I felt as if I was disassociating, everything felt strained and uncomfortable.
I don't like feeling like this.
Mr. Moon came home a day early and I think he probably wishes he had not. What to do with a wife who is having a hard time making conversation?
Well, he's been here before. He's seen me like this too many times to count. At least I cleaned his bathroom. At least I did that.
It's turned out to be a beautiful day, warm and dry with the sun shining and the hummingbirds and butterflies hovering over the firespike since this morning. Every year I cut some of the blooming spikes and bring them in to root in vases of water over the winter and then in the spring I plant them here and there around the yard but I'm having a hard time bringing myself to cut them this year. I don't want to deny the beautiful tiny flying things who sip at the red blossoms, although I suppose that in rooting them and planting more, I am providing for them in the years to come.
I look at Facebook and one of my adventuresome friends is out kayaking and doing yoga and Tai Chi and seeing dolphins and eagles. Another joyful friend is in Panama City at the beach, happy with the sky and waves beyond his balcony. People are at football games and hanging out with friends and I got an e-mail from a friend who is in Philadelphia doing an art appreciation thing, taking in the museums and galleries and restaurants and people and here I am, here I sit, bumbling on about my firespike and the clean bathroom and the grocery store and my dried-up little soul and my far-away feet as if any of it mattered. I feel like a failure as a human being today.
I feel uncomfortable in my skin, in my head, in my words and in my world as if I don't belong in any of them.
It is one of those days. I am just so very grateful that all of them are not like this.