Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Whatever Gets You Through The Night

Ms. Rachel had never been to the Wacissa and Hank hadn't been swimming all summer so we made a pilgrimage to the river this morning and it was one of my favorite trips there ever. I'm not sure why but everyone was just so sweet and chill and the children were well-behaved and loving and happy and Rachel brought her best friend and I'd never met her and she was darling and no yellow flies bit me and there weren't gangs of teens and no one was playing music for the benefit of all and it wasn't too hot and well, it was delightful.

Look at that water. Look at that precious baby girl.

Gibson! Looking for fish. Lily took those two pictures. 

Just pretty. Owen, Rachel, and Hank.

Levon getting suited up. He loved it! 

Rachel took this one. My skinny boy, stretched out in the sun like a starfish, warming up. He shivers in that cold water but he doesn't seem to care. 

The river truly had its way with me today. I had woken up the way I've been waking up lately which is in a state of what I can only really describe as despair. There are elements of both anxiety and depression in it but it's got a different flavor to it and I feel as if there is nothing to look forward to except for more pain and future illness and the absolute certainty of death. 
It doesn't feel good. 
But after I'd been at the river for a few hours I felt calm and I felt very present and I felt no need to future-fear or to look back in regret. It was wonderful but I knew I had to get home and get dressed and go to town to run a few errands. 
I didn't mention this but a few days ago my wireless headphones sort of fell apart and I really can't function without my books being read into my ears at all times. Mr. Moon had returned them to Costco where I'd bought them and they gladly gave him back full payment but they had no more like the ones I'd bought for exchange purposes to I had to go to Best Buy and I needed to go to Publix too. 
The lady who helped me at Best Buy was just absolutely terrific and I picked out another set of blue tooth headphones and felt so cheerful. My river mood was still upon me and even when I went into the library to drop off some books and get a few more and it began to squall like a hurricane and I got soaked getting to my car I did not lose my lotus flower (as Lis might say) and Publix was fine and I got home only to discover that 
(A) The left earbud on my brand new, out of the box headphones has no volume at all and, 
(B) Publix had sent me home with two prescriptions for someone whose name is rather remarkably like mine but is not mine. 

This has served to dampen my spirits somewhat I will admit as this all adds up to yet another trip to town.


Well, life goes on even with first world problems which don't amount to a hill of beans and speaking of beans, this cheered me considerably:

My first picking of the black-eyed peas. I shelled one for you so that you can see the green goodness of a fresh, out of the pod, black-eyed pea. 
Oh, y'all. That's good stuff, right there. 
The okra are getting tall but have not yet put out their hibiscus-like flowers, I'm still getting eggplant, I will definitely not be making cucumber pickles this year, and I'm not expecting much more squash and I never have gotten enough tomatoes to talk about. 
Anything I get from the garden is pure goodness and I am grateful for it. 

Before I sign off, let me just mention Trailer Park Boys again. It's a Canadian mockumentary which has become popular all over the world and for good reason. Mr. Moon and I have been watching an episode or two every night for what now seems most of our lives and I have decided that this show is absolute genius. Its themes and story lines are ridiculously simple and there's more profanity in it than anything you've probably ever seen before and yeah, it's sort of sexist and probably every other sort of "-ist", and the weed and alcohol use are through the roof and also, there is crime and no obviously redeeming qualities anywhere and oh my god. At this point, I can hardly imagine life without my Ricky, Bubbles, and Julian. 
We're on Season 10 wherein Snoop Dogg gets involved and as you may know, I adore Snoop Dogg which only makes everything even more bizarre and incredible and well, watch it or don't. It's not for everyone. 

I see and hear that Mr. Moon has gotten the mower going which is good because the grass is so long that the chickens are getting lost in it. I need to start supper, as usual. 

Be well, y'all. Go find a river. Get in it and cool off, get out and eat some snacks, get back in the water and cool off again, repeat as necessary until a feeling of well-being overwhelms you and you can face the world once more. 
I may need to move to the river but that's a story for another day and in the meantime, I'll just keep visiting it and taking my meds. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Ricky Bubbles and Julian are the best! And remember: the shit apple doesn't fall far from the shit tree! I am glad you are well and I think I will take up audio books via headset to numb the creepening feelings instead of binge eating. Thanks.


    1. I just told Mr. Moon after hearing about his rather difficult day, "Shit hawks are flying about!"
      I highly recommend audio books. Your library probably has them for free.
      And...Hey Girl! Where you been?

  2. I can't get over how crystal clear the water is. Our river is muddy and fast, not something you want to get into. And it's so damned hot here. Almost makes me long for winter.

    I worry far to much about death. I work with dying people all day, everyday and I wonder, how much time do I have left? What do I want to do that I haven't already done? What do I want to spend my precious time doing? And also, what is the point of all this? This life? I may be hormonal.

    Glad you got to spend time with your grandkids.

    1. The river I grew up on is dark with a bottom that's so silty you sink into it about three feet. We didn't swim in it either and I am so grateful for these North Florida rivers which are so clear and cold.
      So. I guess that working with dying people doesn't inoculate you against worrying about death, huh? Didn't really think it would. And I don't think you're hormonal. I think you're asking all the right questions and those of us who ask those questions frequently get depressed because the answers are not easy and sometimes there ARE no answers. Like, "What is the point of all this?" The eternal and abiding mystery.
      Hang in there, sweetie.

  3. could be the times, thoughts of mortality and "what's it all mean, Mr. Natural?" Lately I have been thinking that I have wasted this life , just riding along , not contributing to the overall good. Just along for the ride - not caring where or why I got this ticket. I am with you Mary. A bit blue.
    The river looks amazing, glad the bugs left you alone! The babies always uplift! At least for as long as it takes to read your blog and gaze upon their beautiful little selves.

    1. Don't mean shit!
      And maybe that truly is the answer. Sometimes I just think about how incredibly small and unimportant my life is in the grand scheme of the universe and that gives me comfort for some strange reason.
      I imagine that you, like me, have generally done the best you can.
      Cold comfort but still, there it is.
      Yep. The love of my babies, both my love for them and their love for me never fails to take me a bit farther to the good side of things.

  4. I've had to stop paying attention to the treasonous bastards in Washington DC, or minimal attention anyway. it's just too depressing. I am so envious of your river with it's clear water and sandy beach. I could definitely go sit in it. I need to go to town too but keep putting it off.

    1. Treasonous bastards indeed, Ellen! I have been to town way too much this week already.
      And yes- you would love this river. I know you would.

  5. My husband got a pair of rather expensive Bose earbuds for Christmas last year, and they work wonderfully everywhere except the left earbud, only the left, stops working as soon as he enters the subway. There is something with the left earbud apparently, my son explained it all, but I didn't retain it, sorry. And that river looks just glorious, and the babies, grown and not, happy as can be.

    1. Since I'm not riding any subways, I don't think I can blame it on that but your son probably has a point which might even have applied to this case. I wouldn't have retained it either, dear woman.
      I can barely retain my name at this point.

  6. I listen to audiobooks to help me fall asleep. I have listened to The Help too many times to count, not because I like it but our library has very little choices. I just started listening to a Sue Monk Kidd title and if I reached two feet I could look at what it is on my iPod but that would infuriate Norbert and then he will run away and I just got him sitting with me.

    I have been feeling blue lately. Blue usually leads to the Black Dog showing up. I wonder how much Big Pharma is benefiting from the sale of antidepressants since that maggot has taken office? My apologies to maggots. They actually serve a purpose.

    1. I've wondered the same damn thing about antidpressants AND anti-anxiety medication since the tangerine wankmaggot arrived on the scene.
      And yeah- sorry maggots. And wankers and tangerines too, for that matter.

  7. PS - I just moved my leg and Norber left.

    1. Maurice just growls at us and sometimes bites us if we move when she's in bed with us. Or laying on our laps. They are twins, separated at birth.

  8. Cold water - it's all about the Polyvagal system, its effect on the Vagus nerve that regulates our Autonomic system.

    It's a blessing, in layman's terms, I guess :) I envy you that beautiful water. I know brave Irish people who river swim but ... I don't think I'm brave enough!

    1. Well, let's hear it for the Polyvagal system! Some of it just has to do with lowering the core temperature of our bodies. This infernal heat makes us all cranky and totally out of sorts. But a few hours dunking in that river makes me feel all Zen and lovely.

  9. Well, that was just about the greatest post and comments and answers to comments that I've read tonight. Thank you, again. I love alla ya'll.

  10. That looks like a beautiful day on the river! Sorry your earbuds gave out. Remember that pair I bought that didn't work from the beginning? I think those wireless things have some serious manufacturing and quality-control issues. I never did replace mine.

    Now I remember why the Trailer Park Boys sound so familiar to me. I saw posters for one of their shows when I was in Copenhagen not too long ago. (Do they do live shows?)

    Wankmaggot really is the best word ever. I wouldn't be surprised if Oxford adds it to the OED.


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