Friday, October 20, 2017

Fucking Switch Flipped


Chickens with bananas and roses. 

I was doing so well this week and then last night, in a flick of a wing, I was suddenly anxious again. It just descended on me like a scratchy old coat, like a garment of darkness that worried my skin all the way to my bones. 

Oh for god's sake, why does this happen?
Was it those pictures? Was it looking at that little girl and remembering how she felt then, worried already about too many things, sorrowed by too-early loss, confused by a life that seemed to have some very fundamental pieces missing and no way to gather them together to make things whole? 

Maybe. Whatever. It just happened. 
And it's not like I was manic this week. I mean, I did buy a pair of velvet sneakers for Maggie but I got them at Target. No, I wasn't manic. I was just fairly what we might call normal. 
Ah well. 
I took an Ativan last night which I hadn't even thought of doing all week long and took my shower and got in bed and read until my heart calmed and then I went to sleep. 

And now I'm about to go hang sheets on the line and take another good walk and pretend that all is well because all IS well with light and shadow dappling my back yard, the cooing and twittering of little birds in the trees, the scratching of the chickens, the sound of distant traffic, Maurice tiger-creeping through the jungle of the fire spike, the air is still, and this is my life and it is good. 

I know this. I know this. I know this. 


18 comments:

  1. Hanging sheets and taking another good walk sounds like the right thing to do! I want to see a picture of Maggie's velvet sneakers. :)

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    1. I will get a picture, Steve. They are adorable. Of course.

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  2. dear mary, i so wish i had known you as a little girl. i know we would have been such good friends, and i would have wrapped my arms around you and told you it's going to be ok, it's going to be good, you are good, you are so loved. that sticky darkness that can sometimes overtake, in the flick of a wing as you say, is awful. but you are not alone sweet friend. imagine me walking beside you, holding your hand.

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    1. I love to imagine you sitting or walking beside me, us holding hands. I would have put my arms around you and told you the same things! We would have had so much fun being girls together. I know we would have. It would have been true love from the beginning.

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    2. I love to imagine this too. Can I hang out with you guys when we time travel to the past? I would build us a tree fort, that's for sure. Mary, can you bring crackers?

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  3. I think you're right. Photos are powerful things. I wish we could all go back in time and give each other what we needed. There are places I would visit with a cast iron frying pan clenched firmly in my fist.

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    1. Amen, my friend! Maybe a skillet in each hand!

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  4. If we ever found out why the switch gets flicked we would be rich. But, no. I would never want to make money on the misery of others. I would give it away for free. Then rejoice in the greatness of it.
    I do want to see the velvet sneakers!

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    1. I love you Birdie. You are so kind and you are so good.

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  5. I'm glad you have your Ativan. There's nothing wrong with knowing when you don't have to do all the fighting yourself.

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    1. Me too, Jill. I am so grateful for it. It is the difference between suffering and not suffering. It doesn't cure a damn thing but it can make the crazies a little less so.

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  6. My very dear friend, who experienced such horrid things as a child that I'm sobbing just typing this, told me that she can't look at old photos at all. Happy or sad, she says she can look into the eyes in that photo and recall the horror. As for her own eyes, she tells me they always looked dead. Sending you a virtual hug, Mary Moon!!!

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    1. I can relate to that so strongly. I wish I could hug your friend. Can you do that for me?

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    2. Consider it done. She's used to it....I hug her for (apparently) no reason quite often. I just need to hug her sometimes, to let her feel my love for her.

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  7. Things will improve...they always do x

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  8. my daughter has started having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, rapid heartbeat like that. she takes some kind of medication but lately it wasn't helping much. went to the doctor who doubled her dose and it has put a stop to it. stress is the only reason for her attacks I think. smoke some pot, take a pill. if it helps, do it.

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    1. I believe that hormones have a lot to do with this. How old is she? And yeah, whatever gets you through the night is all right.
      It's all right.

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