Monday, October 16, 2017

A Sort Of Hell But One I Should Be Used To By Now

The truth:

I think that for me, this whole Me Too thing is horribly triggering. And not necessarily for the reasons you might think.
This same thing happened when the Bill Cosby accusations started flying thick and fast and then again when the grab-the-pussy tape came out and more and more women started stepping forward to tell their own stories about Trump's gropings and all manner of unwanted attentions.
Now the Weinstein situation is in the news and yes, he's gotten fired but why is this the case that finally caused people to say, "Enough?"

For me, the trigger is not that these men did the things that they did and got away with it for so long. It's that women DO speak up and they are not believed or they are ignored or they are told that they asked for it or should just "forget about it" or any one of a thousand things that makes it so clear that the men are not held accountable and the women are so very often blamed and shamed and left feeling completely powerless.

And in some very primitive way, this throws me right back to childhood when no one protected me, when I was ignored, when my needs and my heart and my soul were sacrificed for the status quo and I again I feel as if the world is a horribly dangerous place where there is no justice for women or children or for the disenfranchised of this world and fear and hopelessness crest over me and I feel the pain of everyone who has ever come forward and said, "Me too," and yet nothing has changed.

I have been trying on and off all day long to write about this in a way that explains how these publicized reports make me feel and I just can't corral my thoughts in an orderly fashion. I think that this is due to the way that the fear and anxiety and depression which result from this publicity scramble my brain which tries valiantly to simply shut down when presented with things like this.
Disassociate! Disassociate! it screams to the point where I can barely spell my own name, much less express a cogent thought. 

Perhaps I will try again tomorrow.

Love...Ms. Moon


11 comments:

  1. sounded pretty cogent to me. I almost didn't post it but did only to include what should be happening, that men need to confess, not the victims.

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    1. I am surely with you on that but hell will freeze over before that happens.

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  2. I felt so triggered all of yesterday, Ms Moon, and also unsure why. I've worked for rape crisis organisations and in shelters fro battered women and I KNOW that every woman has a story that involves sexual harassment and assault. But when I sat seeing my women friends' posts and the posts from gay and trans men friends come up, I kept thinking,'Not you too!' and shaking inside. And then there was the belittlement and uneasy defensive posts from men, the difficulty in responding when all you have to say is "I believe you. I'm so sorry this happened to you." And then those who had posted having to deal with suspicious or disbelieving family and friends, going through all that all over again.

    I'm not sorry I posted. But again I do think it's women doing all the damn emotional labour and survivors having to out themselves only to face disbelief and minimising. And no concrete change in sight.


    I don't think the gesture of #MeToo will change anything. But I learned something. Out here in Africa we know how bad sexual violence is in our communities. I somehow thought my women friends in Europe and the US had it easier. I'm not sure why I thought that. The UK and France have always seemed safer places, more orderly, less militarised, less dangerous. They're not.

    My friend Pumla Dineo Gqola wrote a book called Rape: A South African Nightmare and she quoted Musa Okwonga yesterday on what men need to do.

    'I think that men are afraid of calling out misogyny for a couple of reasons. One reason is that they fear they are misogynists themselves. Another reason is that they are worried about holding themselves out as beacons of virtue, and so when they fall anywhere short of these publicly announced standards they will receive a firestorm of criticism. These reasons are connected, in that they both relate to how men view themselves, or want to be viewed. In other words, they have nothing to do with the horrors that women are currently enduring due to misogyny. Those fears are keeping the scaffolding of misogyny firmly in place, and it’s time many more of us overcame them, or at least tried to.'

    Sorry again for a long post.

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    1. Never apologize for a long comment. EVER! Sometimes one is called for.
      You know I never thought about one place having worse sexual assault problems than another. I suppose I just see it as such a ubiquitous thing. I am sure that rape is more prevalent in some cultures than in others. Or I would think so, at least. But dammit! It shouldn't be happening anywhere, in any way shape or form! And I think that author was probably right with her assessment of why men react or do not react in the ways they do when it comes to speaking out.
      We humans are simply not as evolved as we think we are. I mean...sometimes I think about war and I just cannot believe it is still being waged on this earth by anyone and yet it most certainly is.
      Can there be an end to these cruelties and atrocities? Ever?
      I hope so. I surely do.

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  3. I think that's a very clear expression of your feelings (although you're the one feeling them, so you're naturally better able to gauge whether you've said what you want to say). It makes sense that "me too" would be a painful movement for you. I'm unsure how to respond, honestly -- being a man, and yet not one of the harassers and abusers, and indeed not even sexually interested in women, I suppose I feel very apart from it. But at the same time I certainly sympathize (as best I can) with women (and some men!) who have experienced these unwanted hostilities.

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    1. A lot of men, I suspect.

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    2. I suspect so too, Jo. More than want to talk about it by far.
      You know, Steve, a man I know recently posted on FB about how a woman who really doesn't know him that well asked him if he'd be her "gay friend" and he really resented it. "Get a dog," he told her. And I understand his feelings exactly- how demeaning to him. BUT, it is true that women find a certain sense of safety with gay men that they just don't feel with straight men. It is a situation where you know you are being liked as a friend for reasons that have nothing at all to do with sex. And that...it's rare and it's priceless for a woman sometimes. I don't know what I'm trying to say here except that women do like to have men friends but gay men friends can be the best.

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  4. I finally went on Facebook today and saw the #metoo posts and I too was triggered and overwhelmed. The sheer number of them. The fact that pretty much every woman I know had posted “me too.” Or could have. It was so wall to wall it was almost numbing in a strange way because I was not surprised by any of it. And that made me so very sad. I think you expressed yourself very clearly here, very thoughtfully, and thank you. Love.

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    1. I honestly assume that it's happened to every woman in some way. Why do we continue to let this happen? WHY?
      Thank YOU and love back. So much.

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  5. If it makes anyone feel any better, I've seen several posts from men whose eyes have been very much opened by the fact that pretty much *every* woman they know has had these experiences. And they're writing about it in a very self aware way, that they have not always done so well in terms of their own behaviour, or their tolerance of others' behaviour. And they're pledging to do better, as people who call it out, as parents, and so on. I find that to be a good response and to me it makes it worthwhile.

    There is no reason why this has to be groundbreaking or game changing. But as a response to a big story like Weinstein losing his perch, I think it's appropriate, and a display of bravery and solidarity. It's less personal that what you have shared on your blog, but as a mass declaration, I think it has an effect on a different level of consciousness - even if that's a small effect.

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    1. I certainly cannot disagree with any of that, Jo. It is very much heartening to hear that men are becoming more aware and determined to do something about it.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.