Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Such A Pathetic Offering

I don't want to write anything. I have nothing to say. I sit down by habit, this long, long habit, and I have nothing to say except that which I have said over and over again.
I am anxious. So anxious.

I stayed as busy as I could today. I washed clothes and hung them on the line. I went to Monticello to pick up a processed deer and went to the grocery store and the farmer's market to buy greens for Thanksgiving because my garden, although full of plenty for two people, hasn't got enough collards for me to bring to Lily's for the dinner. The man brought out a bundle that took two arms to hold. $3.99.

They took up about a quarter of the back of my car and collards are not like other greens- they do not cook down to nothing. I will have to cook those in my giant pot and there will be too many, I know it. With all of the Thanksgiving riches of food, collards will not be high on most people's priorities but I have to make them. It's tradition. 
I came home and put the frozen packages of venison in the freezer, the collards in the refrigerator in the garage. I went to Tallahassee to take Hank some meat and we had a quick lunch and then I drove to Lily's where I stayed with Maggie and Gibson while Lily went to an appointment which turned out to be for next week but we're all doing things like that now. Getting everything mixed up and turned around and shaking our heads and saying, "God. What's wrong with me?"

Back home. Clothes off the line, wandering around the house wondering what I should be doing. Watering porch plants, accessing cold damage- not much, not much. 

It was good to be with Hank. It was good to be with Gibson and with Maggie. Maggie throws herself at me and laughs and cuddles and then throws herself away to do do perilous toddler things. She is walking everywhere. She can say "Mer Mer" when she feels like it, she can kiss when she feels like it. 

Here's a picture that Lily sent today from there walk in the local park where someone had made a flower-heart. 

This is perfection as she is perfection. 

Mr. Moon reports there has been a wreck on the highway and traffic is stopped. The ambulance and the wrecker have gone by. No traffic moving in either direction. He has had two incredibly long days. I want him home. I made soup last night and I want him home to eat his soup and come to bed. I want him safe. 
I want all of us safe. Every one of us on this planet and of course, that cannot be and never will. 

I have nothing to say because my heart feels as little and tight as a tiny stone, its weight too heavy to bear. Nothing feels safe, not really and the usual small comforts do nothing but carry me through the day until I can lay down in my bed and sleep again. 

I am so sorry. I want to have a place here where people can come for comfort, for sustenance, for reassurance and all I have is nothing and I'm sorry and it will not be forever thus and that is all I can offer, can hope for from this small and stoney heart. 


  1. Ya know what? Yours is the first blog I go to every day, and the last I check every night. You have given me (and others, too, I'd wager) FAR more than just sustenance. The good thing here is we can all give and take. You've given me so much comfort and hope for so long that the least I can do is offer you the same. Never think you have nothing to say, Mary. You can say more in a paragraph that most people could say in a book. You are loved!!!

  2. Dear Ms. Moon, I don't check in here much because I turn into a stupid persona and say dumb things. But I value you, the kids, your life. Like Catrina said, I check in often for our "conversation." This isn't stupid: you don't have to be strong and cheery for us. Let us absorb some of the heavy weight of worries you are carrying right now. You would do it for us. Let us help you through this dark time. Isn't that what a community does? Just feel what you feel and let us share that with you. Love and gratitude for you. Anon Suz

  3. You have a big, generous, loving heart Mary and we love you for it. Thank you for all that you share with us, the good and the not so good, we appreciate ALL your words, love and thanks Blods xx

  4. We come here just to be with you dear Mary, no matter how you are feeling. It means so much that you share the truth of those feelings. You don't have to show up as anything other than you are. The comfort is just knowing you're in this world with me. You help make it good.

  5. It doesn't feel stony, you and your writing could never ever feel that way. But I know just what you mean. Things feel so off, I wake up every morning with a sense of doom that is so beyond the normal mentally ill personal doom I am used to feeling. Just this holy shit kind of feeling. This has to be a nightmare? I'm sorry. Just seeing that bunch of collards helped me. And that heart around your tiny one. Sweetness. Thank you. Being there is what matters and you always are. In fact I came here to find you because I am feeling particularly scared and bad today (just about my own nonsense) and just seeing you here calmed me. xo

  6. All of the above. Just be you. That is comfort in and of itself. (Hugs)

  7. You have been on my mind throughout the day. Even though I have never met you I care about you and your family so much. It hurts my heart that you are having such a hard time.

  8. you have plenty to say. You say what is in your heart, and that is always enough. Sending a loving hug to you and your family
    Susan M

  9. Some of your readers understand this state of being very, very well, and for those of us to whom it's pretty much a daily reality,
    it seems utterly natural and necessary that you set it here to be
    witnessed. With compassion.

  10. As I've gone about my day today, I have thought of you & LIly & sweet, precious Owen so many times. I can only imagine the anxiety you all must be feeling. I'm not much of a prayer but my heart is aching for you, so all I know to do is send out the thought 'please, may all be well' over & over. I wish there was more I could offer.
    with love,
    Angie D

  11. Everyone else has said exactly what I feel. Sending love.

  12. It's ok. It's been one hard week after another. Anxiety sucks. This week sucks. We will bear witness for one another.

  13. I love collards and never make them because they're too much trouble; my husband won't touch them. I would make a SERIOUS dent in your collards if I could join you for dinner! No worries about having too much!

  14. As you said, it will not be forever thus.

    I love that photo of Maggie! And your profusion of collards makes me think once again about that ridiculous Niemann Marcus catalog offer of collards for something like $65. If I were there for Thanksgiving, I would definitely partake of your collards!

  15. What they said. It helps to hear how others are doing right now. Many of us are stumbling.

  16. it's not like you don't have good reason. so many of us are stumbling through the fog. my daughter thinks I should stop being angry and get on with it but how do you stop being angry when every day brings so much more hateful and horrible news. last night I was watching network news which I hardly ever do and they were going on about how terrible this thing about DT is and that thing and I'm thinking where you you during the weeks and months before the election while you were gleefully reporting on his antics for ratings because I was already aware of what they were now outraged about. I have no solutions. just work. work and start to make those phone calls and mail those letters to our representatives as if they give a shit. mine don't anyway.

  17. I beg to differ. About your heart. So not small or stoney. Look at all these beautiful comments! You are so loved Miss Mary. Big Hugs.

  18. Here is a small but vital truth: you do not have to carry the responsibility for your readers' feelings of composure or wellbeing or happiness.

    And that is simply that.

  19. You'll look after them all, I know it. Even if you feel small and stony inside. We in the UK felt that after the Brexit vote. Lunatics in charge of the asylum. In the end you start to come back to life. Now, I'm thinking that we shouldn't hate each other, whatever we voted. We were lied to and exploited and used. We should get rid of the selfish politicians who took this course without any regard for their country or for the people, and I hope some better politicians will start to emerge, who realise where the power in the country really lies - with the people.


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