I was horribly anxious last night. Had a hard time sleeping. Got up and took a fast, fast walk, my feet barely touching the ground with the adrenalin coursing through me. I was literally shaking.
I found the office and considered it to be a good omen that it was right across the parking lot from the oral surgeon who did my implant a few years ago whom I'd come to like so much. I was, of course, grasping at anything.
I went into the office, nervous and so panicky I was disassociating and was given the forms to fill out, as must be done whenever you go to a new doctor. They were pretty basic and one thing I did like very much was that in the section where you indicate gender you were given the options of Male/Female/Other.
Well, I thought. At least there's that.
As we all know, some of my favorite people on earth are "other." Good to know that in this office, they would be included as a matter of course.
The nurse was okay. My blood pressure was somewhat high- no surprise there at all.
And I didn't have to change into a gown but just sat in a chair by the little table and the doctor came in. Now my friend who recommended him said that not only did she like him, but that he was "not bad to look at."
She was right about that.
He's a young guy and he introduced himself and shook my hand and we talked about blood pressure and he said to take it at home a few times a week but not to worry. I told him about my huge fear of all things medical. "Why do you suppose that's happened?" he asked. He seemed to truly want to know.
"I don't know," I told him. "I've tried and tried to pinpoint something that could explain it and I just can't. I know it was true even when I was a little child, so perhaps something happened so far back that I simply can't remember."
"It's possible," he said. "These things run deep."
And then he proceeded to tell me that we'd go slow with all of these things and that he'd never ask me to do anything I didn't want to do. I told him about my anxiety and he wanted to change my anti-depressant to one which works better for that than the one I'm on. He also prescribed anti-anxiety medication which my NP had never wanted to do. I didn't even ask him. He offered it.
"Don't ever feel guilty about asking for medication," he said. "We may disagree but there is no guilt to it and we will discuss things."
I told him that I do exercise and spend a lot of time outdoors. That I take my supplements and try to do what I know I can do for myself.
"You're doing everything right," he said. And he listened to my heart and lungs and said, "Good," and handed me a kleenex when I began to cry and he even kept his hand on my knee for a moment when we were talking in a completely un-weird and human way.
Can you imagine how I felt?
It was the most comfortable I've felt in a doctor's office in a long, long time.
He gave me a lab slip to get bloodwork done but said that it could be any time I wanted. That he'd like to see me in two months to see how the prescriptions were working. So, hopefully, if I could, before that.
I told him I was going to go to Mexico for two weeks and he liked that idea.
"Remember," he said, "You can even call me from there. We have twenty-four/seven answering service."
I think I may have found my doctor. And it's odd- for so many years I've gone to women practitioners, thinking that I would be more comfortable with them but that has not proven to be the case. I'm not sure why this is but it's a fact. That he's young seems a good thing too. Maybe he can be my GP for the rest of my life.
When I left, he shook my hand again and said, "It's been so good meeting you. Thank you for coming to see me."
And when I said, "I'm so glad I did too," I meant it.
And yes, the receptionist called me "sweetie" about ten times but it didn't bother me in the least. I liked her. A lot. I may end up calling her "darlin'."
So. That's my story of today. And I just feel so vastly relieved. That the appointment has come and I went and that it went well. And I keep thinking about how, when he asked me how I'd heard about him, I told him that my friend had recommended him and when I told him her name, he smiled and said, "Yes, she and I are getting to be good friends."
This is a friend who is gay and who has just gone through breast cancer and who is what some might call a "character." And I am also thinking of what her oncologist said about this doctor which was that he is very, very good. And I liked that oncologist.
And on top of everything, his uncle is a surgeon who has done several surgeries for our family over the years and so, I feel a connection there, which may be silly, but it's true. That surgeon has been steadfast and steady and I have always liked him.
"We will take this in small chunks," the doctor said today, and I knew that he had truly listened to me and I did not feel dismissed or condescended to, but respected and acknowledged as a human being.
And that is everything.
I am so very, very grateful.
Hang on to this one Mary.ReplyDelete
I know you understand. And yes, I think I will.Delete
I'm so happy to hear it.ReplyDelete
I feel the same as you about female care, but I've come to value male caring energy too, when it's good - I used to think midwifery was only for women, but having met and read about wonderful, dedicated male midwives, I can see how being appreciated and looked after by a man could be bolstering and comforting, strengthening. I'm really pleased you've found someone you can feel confident in, who listens.
We probably need to learn that men can be nurturing and supportive too. I am hoping that this is the case with this doctor. Also - he is young enough not to be burnt out. He seems to see his patients as individuals, not just bodies behind the next door he needs to enter.Delete
So needed and such a relief. To be able to rely on something gives a lot of peace. You so deserve this peace, Mary.ReplyDelete
Well, I'm not ready to just hand myself over for everything but I hope that gradually, I can become comfortable enough with him to not fear visits. At the very least. Thank you, Liv.Delete
I had a somewhat crappy day but this has cheered me a little. I'm so glad for you, Mary.ReplyDelete
Thank you, sweet Birdie. I know you understand too.Delete
What a gift. A rare one. Happy for you.ReplyDelete
I hope he is as good as I think he is. Thank you. And...hello!Delete
I'm so glad you found 'the one!' I had a woman doctor for years, and sometimes we'd just shoot the bull in the exam room and she'd ask questions like 'how's your family'? I was so comfortable with her....then the conglomerate that bought the practice pissed her off and she moved away. Then I found a young doctor who treats me the same way. I just hope he sticks around.ReplyDelete
as a recently *retired* medical assistant of 30 yrs......and having worked with a few wonderful doctors over the years... it makes my heart so happy to hear you have found someone who listened to you. My retirement came earlier than I had planned....only because my Doc (boss) of 17 years retired.....and medicine in general is not listening to the individual nowadays......as well as it should. It sounds like you've got a keeper and it makes me VERY happy. I truly mourn the loss of medical care as it used to be. My soapbox, for what its worth. Hoping happier and calmer days are ahead for you, dear MaryReplyDelete
This is so good! And I hope the change up of meds will make a realReplyDelete
difference as well.
He sounds like a truly gifted one, a good soul. I'm so glad you found him.ReplyDelete
Your words and experience with this doctor actually made my eyes puddle in relief. I don't comment often enough Mary, but do follow you closely every day and care very much. So happy this one may be the one to keep forever. XReplyDelete
Oh Ms. Moon I am so heart-warmed by this. I'm so happy for you.ReplyDelete
I had one really wonderful doctor. Truly outstanding in her ability to listen and understand. And she lives in this city but doesn't take patients, and sometimes I almost want to show up at her house with a big boombox and play love songs and beg her to be available for me and others who need her.
I'm so glad you went!ReplyDelete
Wow! That's terrific! I'm so glad it worked out so well. A good doctor, one who's not just capable but comfortable, is a rare thing!ReplyDelete
I'm so happy and relieved for you.
He sounds perfect. And I understand what you mean about it being good he is young because then he could be your doctor as you age. That is reassuring.ReplyDelete
I'm thinking I may have to move to Lloyd.ReplyDelete
Crying here. Do you recall when you first mentioned this doc and were put off by receptionist and l said not to be and that it took me over 60 years to find my lovely young good looking very kind male doc. Has helped me so so much. Lots younger than us so hopefully we have em for life now. Am delighted for you. Well for both of us. I too have doctor/medical phobia. Hearing this has cheered me right up. Love from across the pond. Maggi xReplyDelete
BINGO! And OMG. Please send his clone our way. I am so glad and relieved that you have found this doctor. May he help to heal you from your anxiety.ReplyDelete
Oh hallelujah! You have found a doctor worth going to. I hope helps. xoReplyDelete
Sounds good to me that you went and have a doc you like. Glad you did that.ReplyDelete