There's Violet and Dearie (Deerie?) and I cannot figure out what sort of breed Dearie is and of course it doesn't matter. She's a puzzlement, a tanglement, a crazy patchwork of black-and-white chicken and I hope she lays us eggs some day because that would be the sweetest thing in the world. And her sisters Violet and Blossom too. I think the Barred Rocks are just about ready to lay if they aren't already. I did find an egg yesterday in the hen house that might have been laid by one of them. It was a paler brown in color than the red hens lay and was oddly shaped- not unusual at all for the eggs of hens who are just beginning to lay. Before I could get the egg in the house and take its picture, there was a moment of North-Florida-In-July-Madness involving a grandson and also yellow flies biting my ankles and suddenly there were three broken eggs, two of them in my pocket, one of those the light brown one.
My hips are hurting like fucking screaming hell tonight, no doubt because of the walk I took this morning. While Mr. Moon was getting ready to leave for auction, an old friend came over and he lingered awhile in the yard, talking, after my husband left and the whole time I was thinking, dear god, if I don't get in the house soon I will die and I finally told him that I was sorry but I was going to chase him off because I needed to go sit down.
Which I did for a little while and then got up and watered the porch plants and filled the chicken waterers, etc., the things you do because you have to and I'll live, I'm sure.
Besides the whole incest thing this morning another thing happened today that broke my goddam heart and I'm not going to go into details because of privacy issues but it made me realize that I am not nor can I be any fucking Deus ex machina being lowered down onstage to change someones life for the good, for the better, and what appears to be a solution to a problem may only be the tip of the symptom of the iceberg of the problem, thus, impossible, and so tomorrow I have to call my local county commissioner to see if there are any programs in place to help someone.
God, y'all. Life is complex and difficult and sometimes simply completely unfair and the innocent suffer.
I went to town this afternoon because I wanted to see if the Old Navy had any more of those childish linen romper overalls I bought a pair of before I went to Cuba and of course they didn't. I did, however, find a pair of women's linen shorts that are as comfortable as anything I'd ever want to wear and now I want to go back and buy more of those. Pockets big enough to put my phone in. Elastic and drawstring. Ugly ass color. Who cares? Also, voluminous sleeveless T-shirts in strange colors I'd never normally wear but so what? So what? So what?
Here's another thing- I realized with great and clear vision today that I am a brat and a big fat smarty mouth and sometimes I just need to shut the fuck up. Someone posted something on FB today that I must have written at least four comments to reply to because it was one of those comments that just make you want to do that if you're a brat and a big fat smarty mouth and I deleted each and every one because who cared? Someone I know and do love posted something that I felt a great urge to comment on and it would not have proved a damn thing except that I'm a bitch.
I ain't Bill Maher. I'm not getting paid to say things that, while possibly true, carry the potential of hurting someone's feelings.
Don't get me wrong- if I didn't love this person, I would have posted one of those comments. But I do and I know that sometimes the best thing is just to shut the hell up and get on with life.
And so it goes. It's hot, we need rain. Black skies tease us as they skirt us, sometimes even the temperature drops and we hear thunder and then it all slips to the west of us, leaving us panting and thirsty. I've done the best I can today in my own little world, or at least the best I managed to do within the reality of my own vast imperfections.
Tonight, when I lay down on my bed in the air conditioned comfort of my house with the fan blowing on me and my library books and magazines around me, I am going to sigh with the greatest of relief and comfort. I am going to let go of everything painful I know and have experienced today. And do you know why?
Because I can.
This does not make me feel great about myself but it's the truth. I am who I am which does not mean that I can't try to be better.