Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Reasons To Live

I woke up this morning groggy and dream fogged. I've been sleeping too much lately. I do not know if I am
A. Dying, or
B. Depressed, or
C. Anxious, or
D. All of the above.

And please don't suggest I go see the doctor. There is no visible blood anywhere so there is obviously no need.

But I got some things done around here this morning. Booked us a place to stay near Mayo in Jacksonville. It's only a few blocks from the beach and maybe we'll spend some time by the ocean. It's a very nice option to have. After lunch I met Jessie at Costco. It had been picture day at August's school and he chose his overalls to wear. His teacher told Jessie, "He loves his overalls."
That makes me feel so good. I asked him what he likes about the overalls. He pointed to the beaded dinosaur and wrecking ball.
"These," he said.
Bless his heart.
Levon was happy to see me. He's comfortable with me now. And Boppy and Aunt Lily. He's still very shy around people he doesn't know well. He doesn't throw his affection around willy nilly as some children do. You have to gain that little boy's trust.
We had a good time at Costco as we always do. The boys wanted to look at all of the Christmas decorations and August wanted to buy them all. His mother pointed out that he only has about three dollars and so he asked the price of every reindeer and Christmas tree and Santa. Sadly, there was nothing in his price range.
Pumpkin pie was being sampled and both boys liked that. Next up was beets. Plain, cooked, organic beets. August liked his okay and Levon seemed to like his but about ten minutes later I noticed that he still had the beet in his mouth.
"Levon, do you want to spit that out?" I asked him. I held out a napkin for him.
He spit out the entire beet onto the napkin, drooling a little drop of beet juice. He reminded me of a baby vampire.
"Did you like it?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
I love the way he studies everything so carefully and closely. I took him into the bathroom stall with me while Jessie took August into the stall next to us and I could tell that Levon was not quite sure what he was doing there. When I pointed out August's feet under the partition though, he laughed and laughed. What a great trick! And Mama's feet too!
Although he is a serious guy, he loves to laugh and does quite frequently. Especially with his Auga unless they are tussling. Those boys really do remind me of puppies. They love each other and love to be close but when they get to wrestling over something, there can be, if not blood, then at least a need to separate them. Jessie has a full time job and that's for sure.

Our friend who's going to housesit came over this evening to get the lowdown on how we do things and where things are. She house and chicken sat for Jessie and Vergil this summer and she's going to be fine. I've known her since she was a child and she and Lily were good friends. She's all grown up now, has a boy of her own. Hank and Rachel are going to come and stay at the end of the week before we get home. They love Lloyd. I know the house will be in good hands, the cats and chickens too.

It's been raining on and off since last night. We got a mighty fine real pour-down earlier this afternoon. The kind that you'd have to pull over and wait out if you were driving. Luckily, I got home from town right before that happened. As much as I've yearned for the rain, it's not really bringing me a lot of joy. I don't think that there's any sort of weather that would have much of an effect on my mood right now. I'm not in a deep dark place nor am I in a panic place but I can tell I'm doing a lot of dissociation and that's certainly a signal that not all is well. I try to remember to breathe and to focus on what's happening right in front of me. It makes me a much less fun grandmother. I know that. And not much fun as a wife or mother either.
Things will change. They always do.
And just being around the children forces me to be as present as I can be. I am quite aware that one of the reasons I've survived all of these years is because I've had children and now grandchildren. One can't call it in when lives depend on you. One cannot simply crawl into a hole and wait it out. And children are so nonjudgemental about things like how you look or whether you are being merry or not. They take you as you are, as long as you are loving and they trust you. In some ways the children in our lives know us better than anyone. Perhaps not in conscious ways, but in the deepest, most profound ways. Mermer may not be as silly on some days as she is on others but because the children know I love them without reservation and because they know what I have in my heart and in my purse too, (gum and Chapstick), it's okay.
They know I love them and they know I love their mothers and those facts alone offer a safe place to be.
And sometimes, that is all I need to get me out of bed, to get me on my feet, to make me remember that no matter how low my own opinion of myself is, there truly is a purpose in my life. Every bit of love that I can offer my grandchildren is going to someday be of benefit in their lives.
I don't know much but I do know that.

Off now to tend the soup I've made with last night's roasted chicken shawarma and onions, greens and tomatoes and sweet potatoes and rice and carrots and corn. The loaf of bread I made doesn't thrill me. I have an awful lot to learn about using sourdough. But that's okay. I have an awful lot to learn about many things.
THAT never ends. And thank heavens.

Now. If I can just stay awake for three more hours, all will be well.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. There is no one as scary as the person who has a pretend persona where all is lovely in the garden and denies the presence of the boogeyman lurking in the shadows. Those of us who cope with trauma know it's a daily struggle and some days you have to just be like Steve's dog Olga and crawl under your pink blankey. You are a strong woman to have made it this far. Your honesty helps all of us to know we are not alone in having a rough day.
    Even your beloved sourdough is entitled to an off day.
    I can recommend B12 and B complex, extra water. Chocolate can't hurt, if you are a chocolate kind of gal.

    1. Thank you, Penelope. Your words mean a lot.
      And I do supplement with B vitamins. I don't know if it helps but I do it. And I enjoy a bit of chocolate when I want it.

  2. And a personality bit I've always appreciated and looked at is, you've never "called in" your blog, either.

    1. Well, sometimes I admit that I do but I really try not to.

  3. Not to be impertinent but why must you force yourself to stay awake? When I find myself in the place that you are describing, sometimes the best place to be is in my bed...a cup of tea. my cat and a book usually help. I like the advice above about B vitamins and chocolate though I don't eat much of that anymore. I hope you have a peaceful night.

    1. Well, it just seems so slothful to sleep my life away. I get plenty, believe me!
      As I said in response to Penelope, I do take B vitamins.
      I did have a peaceful night. Thank you.

  4. I think the early darkness is making me extra sleepy right now. Maybe for you too. Sometimes extra sleep is what your body needs.

    1. I don't fight sleep very much. I tend to go with it.

  5. I had to chuckle about having a "good time" at Costco! You make it sound like a palace of fun. Rather than visiting Disneyworld, perhaps tourists could save themselves a lot of dough by just travelling to their closest Costco. Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit low at the moment..."dissociated" is a good way to describe that feeling.

    1. There's so much fun at Costco for the little guys. So many things to look at. So many huge aisles to run down. And free bites of food!

    2. Hell, colorful aisles of stuff to look at and free bites of food is enough to thrill ME and I'm 44 years old. Going on 4, apparently. Haha.

  6. I really feel for you, even though Ive never really suffered with depression. BUT I was married for 26 years to a violent, alcoholic bastard (who coincidentally cheated on me, but that was the good bit as it pushed me to get that divorce pushed through), and while I knew I would never do it, there were some days I just wanted not to wake up. But, as you say, I kept going for my children. And here I am out the other side of that relationship and the "depression" lifted and slithered back to the States along with him. The gf he ran off with left him after 3 years because she was "afraid he would kill her". Honey, if you had just asked his wife before screwing her husband I could have told you all that to begin with. Oh well. Tough titty sweetheart. But the best news is that he is back in the States and Im in France and now I never have to see him again. I do agree with the others though about B vitamins. I understand they really help. Well, something apart from my children also kept me going all those years. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

    1. It must be a very satisfying feeling to have oceans and continents between you! I'm so sorry that you had to spend such a large part of your life with a man like that. So glad that you'll never have to again.

  7. well, it's dark out there this morning and rumbling but only light rain if any though it's supposed to rain later too. I woke up about 5:30 this morning and tossed fitfully for the next couple of hours though I think I did sleep that weird kind of sleep where you aren't sure if you are sleeping. I need to go to Costco. many things on my list.

    1. That sort of sleep is not restful.
      Too bad you don't have a toddler and a preschooler or two to go with you to Costco. They make it such an adventure.

  8. As you said, this too shall pass but it sucks while it's here.

    I decided to try sourdough bread again, you inspired me. So far it seems to be okay. I used whole wheat flour which I didn't realize I needed and dechlorinated my water before using it which makes sense. We'll see.

    Life is life. The big guy and I had a long talk last night, rather he did and I listened, he's tired of my children hurting me and I really need to step back. My son is going to jail again and my daughter simply doesn't like me, we're too different. I live out loud, is how I describe it. She's more like her dad. It's painful but I'll survive.

    Sending hugs and love.

  9. I've read various things about the chlorine in the water. One source said that unless you can actually smell chemicals, it'll be fine. But it won't hurt to use water without it. Good luck!
    Life IS life. I'm so glad that you have your big guy to help you see and set boundaries. Mine does the same for me. And sometimes, I try to help him with that. We simply can't be everything for every body.

  10. I remember what it's like to be young and tussling with my brother. We used to smack each other and chase each other and wrestle around, all of which seems unfathomable now.

    Glad you got your Jax accommodation sorted. And re. breathing and focusing on what's happening in front of you -- yes, NOW is the only thing that's real!

    1. And sometimes I do desperately need to be reminded of that.

  11. Perhaps the disassociating has to do with upcoming travel? And I do know how little boys play. It’s very different from how little girls play. It just is.


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