I don't know. I just do not know.
So I went to see the NP and yes, my cholesterol levels were all wrong in the bad way. And she, being the laid-back practitioner she is, said that she thinks my anxiety has a whole lot to do with it. She may be right. I mean- try being in fight-or-flight mode eighteen hours a day and see what that does to your body. I have no idea.
But. She wrote me a prescription for Celexa and I took the prescribed one half of a tablet yesterday and I can already tell this is going to whack me out for awhile. Not whack me out like make me sleepy but whack me out like what the fuck, brain?
Last night was emotional for me. I cried some. I admitted to my husband how very, very bad it's been for me lately. Because of a whole lot of things I try not to worry him with my worries and he probably does the same for me. Probably not the healthiest way to run a relationship but that's sort of the way we do it. And if it works for us, well, it works for us. He gave me some earrings, a vintage gold and ruby heart to put on a chain and wrote me some beautiful, beautiful words on a card. The kind of words that any woman would want to hear after thirty years of marriage. I promised to make him a cherry pie and love him forever. I made him a dinner with lobster tails and butternut ravioli and a spinach sauce. Poached pears with toasted pecans and blue cheese.
Good, healthy, cholesterol-lowering food, right?
Which is something I really need to think about. I talked to my NP about diet- how confusing the information is. Do you go all vegan/no-fat or is it carbohydrates that are the culprit? She recommends a sort of Mediterranean Light diet. Hell. Fuck. Shit. I don't know. I do not know. I do know that more vegetables and more fruit are always the right thing. I do know that losing weight helps everything from joints to heart. Exercise has to be in there.
I know I can clean up my diet a lot. Even though I like to think it's pretty okay, I know I could do a hell of a lot better. I'll get retested in a few months.
It's the most beautiful day. Warmer, full-on sun blasting down, I can hear a dove crooning, the cardinals chittering. I didn't sleep well. I laid in bed and felt my brain shifting into something which almost but not quite recalled psychedelics. I finally got up and read for a long time. I feel a little of the psychedelia this morning too. Those Valium may come in handy.
Fuck. I'm turning into a damn druggie in my sixth decade.
I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing or things. I have no idea. I just know that I was watching this yesterday morning before I went to my appointment. An interview with Bill Murray and I was shaking with the anxiety and Bill said "You have to be present in your life." And I knew I wasn't being present in my life and that I needed help. It's been months.
So we'll try this.
I want to be present in my life. I just keep saying to myself and out loud too that I have the best life of anyone I know and to not be able to enjoy it, to be stuck in such a place of fear and panic is not right.
So. Here we go. Adventures In Brain Chemistry! And the funny thing is, I'm not anxious this morning. Maybe the trippy feeling is over-riding the fight-or-flight mechanism because I know that the drug's anti-depressant effects haven't had nearly enough time to kick in. I have no idea. I just do not know.
Here's another thing I do know- the birds are flocking to the feeder, color and wing-sound, song and fuss. It's so damn bright and cool and beautiful I can feel the buds opening, the Japanese Magnolia, the daffodils, azaleas, the jasmine, the still-blooming camellias. I can almost hear the unfurling of the new leaves of my Ashe Magnolia, the Japanese Maple, the trillium under the trees, the ferns I've dug up and planted here in my yard. It's all a fucking miracle and by god, I want to be present.
That's what I know.
As to the rest, I haven't got a clue.
Good morning, y'all.